“This is not happening!” I said to myself as I was grabbing several T-shirts out of my wood carved dresser. Then I grabbed my big bag that could barely fit on my shoulders and stuffed it full of clothes and food. I passed the counter to pack a water bottle and I looked at the bills one last time, and almost walked past them, then I whirled around, dropped my bag and tore the bills in shreds, I even stepped on them and then walked off, 3 minutes after a felt guilty so I swept them up THEN got the water and everything else I needed. But, as soon as I got done, I heard a rickety old car, dropped my bags and crawled over to the only window in the house and peeked only my green eyes above the window sill, it was a pink painted car with a yellow butterfly painted on the side and under it were big white letters saying Good Day’s Orphan limo, much less a limo more like a want to be taxi. A lady then stepped out of the car, she had red hair and brown eyes and she looked like she was on her way to the circus, she wore so much makeup it looked like she was trying to be a clown. So I thought to myself for a second, “Wonder if she would make a good clown.”
“Wait! What am I thinking? I got to get out of here!” I then crawled back to my bag, I slipped a few times, then I picked it up as I ran, and went for the back door, forgetting that my grandpa’s house did not have a back door, I was thinking of my parent’s house!
“Oh, crap!” I whispered to myself, then soon enough the doorbell rang,
“Hello, Lilith is it? Yes I am Mrs. Sophie, and I am here to pick you up for the Orphan house”
“Crap!” I said,
“Lilith please open this door! I wonder if she is in there” then the door started to creek open.
“Hello, Lilith it’s all right, you will be much happier at the Orphan house, there are more kids there, and I heard from a little bird that you were alone!” said Mrs. Sophie, I thought about it for a moment, then I slid behind the counter just as she walked in, and I was still thinking about being with other kids. “No, I got to find a way to get out” I thought to myself, Mrs. Sophie started walking into the kitchen, no lights were on except for the one lamp on in the living room, so Mrs. Sophie started to turn on lights,
“No, No! Stop it lady” I whispered. Then as she started to put one foot in the kitchen I slid out the back of the kitchen, though the shoos I was wearing were loud, they then barley made a sound.
“Lilith please! We can work through this, I promise you’ll have a great time at Good Day’s” said Mrs. Sophie as she turned on the rickety chandelier in the kitchen, but then my shoes made a squeak behind the counter, Mrs. Sophie turned her head to the counter from the light,
“Oh, Lilith dear, no need to play hid and seek with me you can play that with the other kids” while Mrs. Sophie peeked behind the counter I got up tiptoed behind her and ran out the front door.
“Now where is she?” wondered Mrs. Sophie
“Oh yes!! haHA! That was the best get away ever” I hollered as I was half way down the road,
“Okay so I guess, stop to take a night off in the woods about an hour away from her I think, by that time it will be 6 o’clock or close to it, and I will roll out my sleeping bag and then start from there.”
The only thing I didn’t know then, was that I was not the only one alone, because behind me there was someone following me, or something!
Love the cliffhanger! You should continue this, honestly....
However, the grammar (and spelling, this time especially) still need a bit of work. "Shoos" should be "shoes", the capitalization of "then" is unnecessary, and the commas are uneven--they're used too much in some places and not enough in others.
Overall, I'd give the two chapters of this that you have up so far three out of five stars. Good concept, writing needs work.
Good luck--hope I didn't seem too harsh.
Hi, ChibiElephants! I'm here to review your work, as I promised to do awhile! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.
Like I mentioned last chapter, you often use run-on sentences. The advice I gave you in the last review should help take care of that problem! I agree with BlueBlaze's comment that this chapter felt a bit rushed. Maybe going into more description about what was going on and what Mrs. Sophie was doing could help you out?
I already covered the information about the setting your novel so far last chapter, so instead I'll return to the topic of characters. Mrs. Sophie seems to treat Lilith as if she's younger than she actually is by asking her if she wants to play hide and seek at the orphanage. Lilith, on the other hand, shows that she's very intelligent by how she makes her escape. So far, the reader knows that Lilith is an independent, smart girl.
In regards to Lilith, does she have any friends? Most sixteen year old have some sort of friend, whether they be best friends or just really close classmates. To make her more realistic, you could either give her a friend or bring up how she's not leaving anyone behind if she runs away.
My last comment is about what Lilith does at the end of the chapter.
“Oh yes!! haHA! That was the best get away ever” I hollered as I was half way down the road,
“Okay so I guess, stop to take a night off in the woods about an hour away from her I think, by that time it will be 6 o’clock or close to it, and I will roll out my sleeping bag and then start from there.”
Hey Dogs here to review!
This is a very good chapter. I'm going to give you a suggestion or two below, then I'm going to go into what was good, and what I liked about it!
Suggestions
1) I suggest that you add more details to your story. Like what does her grandpa's house look like. I feel as if you could describe a ton more, and have more details. This would make the chapter longer, and even better than it already is!
2) To go along with more details, I suggest you make your story less rushed. I feel as if you are rushing the story, instead of taking the time to savor each moment, and describe what happens in deep detail.
Things I think were good, and you should stick with doing.
1) I really like the short chapters, because it's not over whelming to read, and it's not a lot to take in, which can be good! (For me anyways.)
2) You have a great start to the story (by start, I mean this is only the second chapter so the story has to progress).
Overall you have a great story here, with an amazing plot, and I cannot wait to see what happens next.
Send me the link to the next chapter if you will!
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs
Hey Chibi!! how are you, any way I am here to review your work, sorry I read the first chapter but did not review it, so I decided to make it up to you, and just review this one so here we go!!
I will start with the negatives first like I always do, then go to the positives . here goes nothing.
so the main thing for me was, I just thought it was a bit rushed, that is the main thing, like, maybe after she gets out of the house, say more, don't just skip right to the point that something may be following her, maybe like, "then soon after I ran out of the house, I thought about how the journey might be ahead, and how maybe I might be all right, then as it turned to sun down, I had made a plan to go to the woods not to far by the house, as I walked to the woods, I started ranting off a list of things I have, and or need" I think that might be better as far as that goes.
then I was thinking, maybe I was thinking, stretch put her escape, and I think what you might have done was, and I do this too, but you got so exited about a part that was going to go in the story, that you didn't even no that you were rushing though things, but that's totally fin, just try to come yourself and think about step by step for your plot line.
and the good things were, I like the story line, and how you talked about the lady looking like a clown, I enjoyed reading about that, and how you talked about the bill, like YES she finally gets too rip them up!! all in all I cant wait too read more great work and keep writing
BLUE BLAZE OUT!!
thanks!
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