E - Everyone

Fantae Bridlim-Campus Regards

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Phoebe's (P.O.V)


 


At last Friday had finally come, and I am so glad to be able to say it is no ordinary Friday. It is the very first day to a new beginning. I suppose that now would probably be a good time to introduce myself -my name is Phoebe( Demitry Arinotro ) Marice , that Is my full name but u can address me as Phoebe. I am currently 15 years old and yes I am a female. Today is my first day at my new school Fontae Bridlim Casvie's school for the privileged. To be honest from what I know the percentage of the school's students that are doorming there are said to be spoiled and snobby rich kids but I stand proudly stating that me and my best friend Emma rarely behave in such manor .....most of the time. Emma is also 15 as well and yes is a female as well ,she has been my friend since childhood and frankly is one of my only true companions. I have Dark brownish/slightly Burgundy hair and soft pale white skin I am at a average height and have been told by several doctors that I am underweight, people describe me as a rebellious type person but sweet and distinctive. Emma has long wavy black hair and also has frankly pale white skin she has quite the temper and has been sad to not even think twice about speaking her mind but has a shy side to her as well.


 


"Thump"-the cars trunk slams closed as a very Weary looking man in a tall black suit kneels down picking up two large lavender suitcases." ugh what's in these anyways" the tall man says "only the necessities " I say with a big corky grin ,yup that's me and if you are wondering who the man is. Mumpfred my butler. I have to admit I am going to miss him once I get settled into my dorm I will no longer be needing his service anymore ,but wanting his service is a whole different story.(taking a look at him)to see Munpfred sliding down into a siting position looking absolutely exhausted ."why are you so tired anyways " I say to Mumpfred-soon feeling guilty after his response. "well if you had to drive two overly excited ,extremely demanding ,boy crazed teenage girls around ALL DAY for 3 hours straight you would be tired too. "I see" I said having no clue what he meant by that .


 


RINGGGGGGGGGG. The bell rung .Realizing that we didn't even know where we were going me and Emma started to panic , we started to pace back and forth creating a fuss ,somehow moments later it turned into some kind of game ,5 minutes into our excessive pace session me and Emma were skipping around like maniacs in random directions until ..."Miss Phoebe" Munpfred blurted out startling me have to death,distracted I tripped over my other foot causing me to hurdle towards a large and extremely deep looking fountain ,I closed my eyes knowing that at the speed I was falling there was no way to stop.suddenly I felt a warm hug stretch around me from behind "Munpfred? "I say questionably with my eyes still shut. "nah not Munpfred its just me Caleb and by the way you can open your eyes now".I open my eyes blushing to see a extremely cute, tall guy with a short but cool looking black Fohawk with his arms wrapped around me from behind.


 


Not a hundred percent understanding the situation ,receiving a sly smirk from Emma I quickly blurt out "uh ...what are you doing?....why are you hugging me?...who are you? ..what's going on?...." the insanely cute guy responded "whoa calm down it's not what you think" I quickly spat back with "oh really then why were you hugging me?.... oh wait correction ,why are you still hugging me?" feeling bad realizing I had embarrassed him noticing a faint red blush fall upon his face as he stopped hugging me. "sorry I didn't even realize I was still holding u"he blurted back instantly with full guilt on his face. "more importantly why were you hugging me" I spat with extreme anger in my voice "I ..I.." cutting off the panicking boys sentence I spat out "exactly u PERVE why don't you just skedaddle and get your rich ass out of he-.." suddenly being cut off by Emma"holy crap Phe (her nick name for me),if you had just cooled your temper 5minutes ago you would have figured out why he was hugging you..correction holding you" "what are you talking about Emm'(my nickname for her)" spatting out with frustration in her voice "when you were running around like a maniac you tripped on something and was sent flying down the stairs and almost landed in that big ass fountain over there" "yeah your point is..and HEY you were running around too" I caught her blushing in embarrassment which made me smirk, noting that I had done my job. "my point is"she said spatting out in pure frustration "this boy-.." "Caleb" the boy said interrupting her "yeah Caleb saved your pretty pink outfit from getting covered in what looks to me like swamp water..so if u can calm down long enough to say thank you to the young man that would be fantastic" she pleaded out of breath. "um..yeah I'M sorry for yelling at you and thanks for saving me from that dreadful fountain" I said shyly "no problem" the guy said...(Caleb) said ,all peppy lightening the mood .Seeing how awkward it was having Emma and Munpfred hanging over our shoulders well me and Caleb talked I quickly shot Emma a glare that read go away.watching her shoo Munpfred along with her,heading back to the car. I went back to staring into Caleb's cute brown eyes that seemed to twinkle every so often.


 


It was silent for a while ..then Caleb decided to fill the awkward silence "Sorry for giving you such a bad first impression" snapping out of the trance I had from staring into is perfect golden brown eyes I quickly spat "nah if anything I should be sorry,once again I apologize for those harsh things I said" I looked away shyly than found myself Drawn back to his luscious eyes "Nah don't worry about it ,hey given the fact that we both agree we made terrible first impressions of each other, how's about we go for coffee and try to show each other a different side of us sometime" "um..yeah I'd like that" I say shyly while blushing "how's Saturday at 2:00 sound" Caleb said with a cute smirk on his face "that sounds great" I said while giving him my number and receiving his as well "i'l give you a call around one thirty to see if the plan is still a go" he said with an even bigger smirk "sees u then" I say with a surprisingly increase pepped up tone "bye" he said walking a way ,distracted he stumbled slightly while walking past a light post ,causing me to giggle .As soon as he left I ran back to the car to be greeted by only Emma.


 


"where is Munpfred?" I say questionably "your father requested his assistance and he had to go but he told me to give you this" said Emma handing me a small box wrapped in a smooth black paper that almost looked like silk the pretty box also was wrapped with a fancy pink ribbon and bow. I stood there silenced in awe over the sweet gift I was given from my beloved butler Munpfred ...until my adoration was interrupted by Emma "you know ,what's inside the box is probably even more amazing then the wrapping its in" she said wittingly "anyways "Emma "what now" I say completely annoyed "so... what happened? ...Did he kiss you ?Oh please tell me he kissed you? Was he a good kisser? what was it-..." Interrupting her constant nagging I spatted "No I did not kiss him" "awe than what happened?" Emma pleaded once more .I paused for a sec .thinking again of what happened earlier...."I think I was just asked on a date"...Wincing at Emma's gasp of excitement ,startled..." and I think I just agreed"......


 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
wonderland
Review

Hi, Rainbowdell! I'm wonderland, and I am going to review your work!
Alright, so, right off the bat, your first sentence is

At last Friday had finally come, and I am so glad to be able to say it is no ordinary Friday.
Your first sentence is the thing that would draw the reader in and keep them reading. This is alright, and does it's job, but is a little weak.
My main concern is that you are just telling the reader. You tell the reader all the necessary facts within the first two paragraphs of the chapter. Instead of showing the reader, and putting them directly into Pheobe's shoes and letting them bond with Pheobe, you just tell the reader every detail. If you decide to go back and edit, I would suggest going back and changing some details. Remember that telling is just that-telling the reader every little detail about the characters, setting and so on. Showing is putting the reader directly into the characters shoes, and having them live as the character. You can do this by describing the characters surroundings as the character.
You do have a fantastic beginning, and I hope you continue!
~wonderland

User avatar
florageis
Review

You wrote in first person which made the story easier to comprehend. The dialogue was loaded. Organize the chapter with better punctuation and grammar. Give more details outside the dialogue.You did well at describing giving off vivid imagery, I just wanted to know more about phoebe's feelings and what escalated her to react so drastically in front of a guy for saving her. Other than that, this made for a great story and the ending gave off a feeling that i wanted to read more.Keep up the good work!



You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King