My bus pulled to a slow stop as we came to my school. Milwaukie High School it was called, but to me it was pure Hell. I stepped off the bus with my binder held tightly against my chest. My short brown hair swayed just above my shoulders as the wind blew past me. My eyes covered by the black hoodie I was wearing. I tightened my grip on my binder and walked faster, trying to avoid all the glares that seemed to burn inside of me. I sat down and waited in the corner of the welcome room and waited for the crowd to past.
I looked out the window and saw my freind Ellie step off the bus. Ellie was pretty, way prettier then me. She had long light brown hair that stopped just above her waist, she was skinny and could fit into any outfit perfecty, and I had no idea why she wanted to be my freind.
She walked up to me, today she was wearing the usual mini skirt and tank top with light blue stripes. "Hey Michelle." She said and sat down beside me.
“How are you” Ellie asked me and she put down her black purse and fixing her hair.
"Im fine."
"You look upset" She said taking off my hood.
"I always look upset." I replied putting my hood back over my head.
The bell soon rang. Ellie got up and grabbed her purse, "Bye Michelle, see you in class." She called to me waving.
"Bye," I replied even though she was to far away to hear it.
I looked around to make sure nobody was there then I got up, grabbed my binder, and walked down the hallway in silence.
I opened the door to my classroom and quickly slipped inside to go to my usual spot in the back of the room.
***********
“Michelle!” I heard a voice behind me, I turned around and spotted my friend Christian.
“Hey girl.” He said putting his arm around my shoulder as I walked through the lunch line.
“I’m okay.” He took his hand off my shoulder and let me get my Mac and Cheese from the lunch ladies.
I smiled at her and said “Thank you.”
Christian sat next to me along with Ellie that came two minutes later.
“Oh my god, guess what I just found out,” I took a bite of my Mac and Cheese and tipped my head back slightly to drink my soda.
“What.” Christian finally said
Ellie leaned closer and brought her voice down to a whisper. “I just saw Sammy walking down the hallway,”
“So?” I asked with a mouth full of Mac.
“She had Drake’s arm around her shoulder!”
“And why do you care so much?” I asked her as I got up and dumped my garbage in the trash can.
“Because it’s Samatha and Drake,” She said staring at me before saying “Ugh whatever.”
I laughed at her quietly and we all walked to our next class.
***********
I slammed my locker shut as Christian came up from behind me and tickled my sides. I turned around my backpack swinging along with me. “Hey you,” Christian said and smiled at me.
“Hey.” I answered and couldn’t help smiling back, me and Christian had been friends ever since first grade when a boy tripped me and I fell in the mud, Christian had helped me up and took me to the nurse to get me cleaned off, he had been there for me ever since.
“You still gotta do that job tonight?” He asked leaning against the lockers with his elbow.
“Yeah its Friday today remember?” I replied starting to walk down the hall, he followed as always.
“Hey!” a high voice came from behind us, we turned around to see Ellie in her high heels trying to run down the hall with her book bag hung over her shoulders.
“Hey Ellie” Christian said as her moved to the middle of the group and put his arms around both of us.
“Ew!, you stink!” Ellie said moving away from him and pinching her nose closed with her fingers.
“Hey come on, I just went to gym.” He said as Ellie scurried ahead of us.
We both laughed I was used to his smell so it didn’t bother me one bit we walked down the hall together and out the front door.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Soo...this is a decent first chapter here. Its maybe not the best here, there are a few things off here, but the dialogues especially were really good here at first glance.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, well, this is a decent enough start here. It seems pretty neutral so far. Right off the bat there is a slightly cliche tinge to the whole thing with the whole high school is hell situation, but overall, that opening introduction to the place was done fairly well here. Then of course we have the typical introduction to the friend...so well, standard sort of start here, its not terrible, but it's perhaps not the best.
Okay, I think I actually like this little conversation/ introduction to this friendship here and the way that things sort of slowly go towards this first period. You do a pretty good there with establishing this character and the dialogue was pretty realistic to how this sort of thing would be expected to go.
Okay....so things are transition kind of quickly into this random conversation, and that transition is far too quick for it to really work here in a first chapter. You need to come up with a bit of a smoother flow of events than that. Other than that though, this is yet another pretty well done conversation. Your dialogue so far has certainly been on point.
Hmm, well that seems to be pretty on point for the sort of gossip that ends up being discussed in a school like that. The dialogue definitely is quite realistic and like I already said, it is so far the best thing about this piece here.
Okay, another somewhat sudden transition, but I think this one does manage to work out a little bit better than the previous one did. And the dialogue of course once again really manages to work out rather well here. I already like how this conversation started.
Well...then we end with just that and I feel like there isn't quite a hook in this chapter here. It sort of just ends there with that conversation and that's about it. Its a decent end point, its just there's no real promise of more to come there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a pretty decent start here, but some of those transition need a bit of work and especially as a first chapter here, you do need add a little more to catch the attention of a reader here. At the moment there isn't really that much of a hook in this piece.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey. Long time no see(haha!). No Offense, but the story is WAAAAAAAY TO SHORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please add more.-mymy
Dont worry i fixed that but the chapters will be a little shorter unless i feel like writing alot then they'll be long
Okay so without wanting to sound harsh, this is a bit cliche and needs some work. For starters, if this is an entire chapter, then you may want to consider adding a considerable bit more to it. If this were in the form of a book it would barely scrape two pages.
My second criticism is the grammar and spelling in this piece. Particularly when someone is talking, you tend not to put anything after they've finished. For example:
"Yeah, see you later"
There should be a full stop at the end of this sentence. The next thing I want to point out is I think that at some points you were so intent on finishing the chapter and getting all excited, that you weren't paying attention so much to things. You wrote:
I tighted my grip on my binder and walked faster trying to avoid all the glares that seemed to burn inside of me.
This should be tightened my grip, and I think that there should be something after the faster as that is where you would naturally take a breath. Perhaps put a comma in there or a semi colon or a hyphen. Just something that will break it up a bit.
"My hood fell backwords and it felt like i broke my ankle or sprained it or something bad."
This should be backwards, and make sure that you are capitilizing "I" as there were a few times that you didn't.
Apart from that I think that this story has potential, but maybe rather than introducing the boy in the first chapter, use the first chapter to explain to readers why everyone glares at her etc.
Anyway, good luck writing and I look forward to reading more!
Thanks for the review i'll look at it and make some changes and I wasn't planning on making that the end of my chapter also i love suggestions so any suggestions you have i would love to hear them!
This is a sweet read and easy to follow. I don't have any critism towards your grammar or anything like that so good job. The small description of the boy was also nice; it really helps the readers understand.
My one thought that i'd like to point out is that maybe you should end your chapter with a bigger 'boom' so that the readers would want to continue reading on to see what happens next. So far, this seems like a somewhat cliche story about a lone girl and the new boy.
Welcome to YWS, by the way pm me or write on my wall for anything
Oh awkward, sorry for the double post, it didn't show up on my laptop beforehand
Thanks for the welcoming also i was wondering if i could ask a few questions like how do you change your profile picture i've been trying to but i dont know how
This is a sweet read and easy to follow. I don't have any critism towards your grammar or anything like that so good job. The small description of the boy was also nice; it really helps the readers understand.
pm me or write on my wall for anything
My one thought that i'd like to point out is that maybe you should end your chapter with a bigger 'boom' so that the readers would want to continue reading on to see what happens next. So far, this seems like a somewhat cliche story about a lone girl and the new boy.
Welcome to YWS, by the way
I think in the 6th paragraph you mean lay instead of led?
Yes thank you
where is he talking about???
I had a story before this but i didn't like it so i replaced it for this story
This is a work in progress I'm gonna work on this for a long time if you guys like it if nobody likes it just tell me and i'll stop (Maybe) but if you like it tell me and i will continue, i also LOVE suggestions so any suggestions for the story just tell me and i'll try to find a way to put them in
!