I was alone in an empty teachers office, papers scattered recklessly on the desk in front of me. I knew he was coming back, I knew he was gonna get me. So, why did I risk it? I walked out the office and looked to make sure nobody was watching me then I ran down the hallway making the sound of the concrete floor bounce off the walls. I wanted to stop running, I wanted to with all my heart, but I knew if i stopped running I would loose my life.
So, on I ran threw the hallway, I heard heavy footsteps behind me and a voice calling out to me "Don't run from me Ellie you know you're gonna lose!" I ran as fast as my feet could take me all the way down the hall and up the stairs to the third flight.
Finally, I reached the roof but he was to fast. Chase burst threw the door that led to the stairs where we had just come out of. I stepped back trying to avoid his gaze, but he got closer. "Chase," I started looking back over the ledge. "I know you dont want to do this." He didn't speak he just kept getting closer, I started crying and I didn't know what else to do.
I jumped.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, we have ourselves a pretty exciting start right here...looks like someone that's very clearly running for their life right here although the setting which appears to be a school if I'm not mistaken definitely puts an interesting spin on things. Overall, you can certainly see the fear that is there in the protagonist here and a sense of panic and it definitely catches your attention.
Hmm, well that almost seems like two children just trying to play catch, not exactly the words of someone chasing another one to end someone's life there...so I am wondering where you're going with this. The tone in the first one is rather serious and panicky, whereas this feels more playful and childish somehow...you may want to try and streamline those two a bit more here. Its mostly the dialogue here that feels more playful, the description still indicates panic but with that line of dialogue, the context just tends to change a bit there.
Oh dear, well that ended in a way that I was not expecting, you can see the foreshadowing in this person running upstairs, but its still quite crazy to see. Here we've got a really interesting scene with the two interacting and it really is hard to see if this person is perhaps trying to prevent this girl from jumping to her death or is he actually trying to kill her and she choses this option rather than be killed. It really is a bit ambiguous there...but it does make for a powerful prologue so good job there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This has grabbed my attention! Now I really want to know what happens next and what's going on! I love the writing!
Just a teeny tiny mistake as well- "but knew if I stopped running I would LOSE my life." You said loose instead of lose
Let me know when you write the first chapter
Hiii! i love your work and i really hope you keep commenting and reviewing my work!
Does she die? It could be in the perspective of Chase. : )
This is pretty good Rainbow. One things I have to nit pick at is when you said
"So, on I ran threw the hall way,"
It is supposed to be "through" not "threw".
Other than that, it was pleasurable to read.
oh sorry I though I fixed that, anyway thanks for reading it and any suggestions you may have i would love to hear them!