It was a quiet summer day, the quietest all year. I twirled around the room in my new skirt, i felt like a beautiful princess. I stopped twirling, walked to the dirty old window, and sat down on a cusion i had placed there. Instead of seeing the boring old town in a city called Eastmont, I imagined i was in my bedroom tower looking out at the town I ruled. Me. My happy endings.
But it turns out that it wasn't happy at all, not one bit. At that moment I stopped dreaming and walked downstairs right into the kitchen.
"Michelle!' I heard my mother call from the garden in her angry tone.
I looked up from the fridge watching her from out the window as she got closer and closer to the house,
I grabbed an apple, slammed the frdge down, and ran out the front door.
I stopped beside a tree and bent over to catch my breath. Slowly I looked behind me and I saw her shadow as she was racing towards me. I looked back at the tree and quickly open it where I cut out the shape of a door, It was the only secret hiding place my mother never found yet, the one my daddy and I built together before he died.
"Michelle!!" I heard her call once again from outside of the tree, I thought for sure she was going to find me but she moved right along.
I let out a big breath and grabbed the stuffed bear from the corner of the small room, I held it in my arms for comfort.
Then I reached for the shelf where my secret stash was i opened it and tipped it on its side. Little scraps of paper fell out of it but the only thing i wanted was at the bottom. I grabbed the small box and untied the small bow that held it together.
It was a locket my father had given me for my second birthday. It was silver with thin grey lines that ran around it. I held it in my hand it was the first thing he had ever given me and i loved it with all my heart. I held up to the little crack of sunlight that shone through and watched it twinkle as it spinned slowly around and around.
I felt a small tear run down my cheek as i put the locket back into into the box and onto its shelf.
"Michelle!!! GET OVER HERE NOW!!" She yelled again louder then ever.
I slowly opened the door of the tree and closed it behind me letting the hot rays of sun hit my face.
I followed the walls of mangled and dirty bushes that outlined the house until i got to the backdoor that leaded straight into the kitchen, the peeling yellow paint on the walls to the bikes strewn out across the back lawn.
My house was a mess, a very very big one.
I signed and slid open the glass down and finally, entered the house.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm, so this was a rather simple scene here and yet I think you really managed to create quite the picture. You really managed to catch the attention of the readers here. I think this is a pretty awesome start.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...an interesting start there. Definitely catches your attention quite quickly as far as situations like this tend to go. Its a bit more towards the neutral side but there's enough intriguing little things being mentioned for the reader to take note of.
Okay....well it appears that for some reason Michelle here is avoiding her mother to some extent, that definitely creates some interesting there cause you do end up wondering why she'd grab some food like that and just duck behind a shelter she'd made with her father. This is going pretty good here so far.
Okay...well there are certainly a lot of alarm bells ringing here with respect to the mother. The daughter is very much actively trying to hide from here and as a reader you can't help but think the worst of the situation. This doesn't seem to just be a child playing a prank on their mother, this is someone hiding away from someone they are very much afraid of.
Well, with that bit of emotions seeping into things we can almost certainly say the father died some time ago and perhaps was the only comfort this girl had against this mother who appears to be on the evil side of things for the moment. So far we're building some nice tension with that going along quite nicely here.
Hmm, well this ends on a nice little cliffhanger of sorts. You would usually never count a child just going back to their house after being summoned by their mother as a cliffhanger, but in this case you've managed to present it so that it really does appear as a cliffhanger here and that's a great way to kick off a first chapter here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this makes for a pretty good piece here. I think it definitely manages to be interesting enough that I'd want to read more. Its a good setup here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
That`s Good!!!!!!!
Good job, but there are some spelling mistakes: *wasn't, *important, *children's, *fiercely, *could have(not could of), and *can't. There are also a few comma issues... and there should be a question mark after "Then what IS your name"
Anyway, great writing it just needs a little proofreading is all!
Thanks for telling me i'll be sure to look at it and fix any mistakes