She's usually all I can think about.
She's always on my mind.
She's in my dreams when I sleep
I see her all the time.
I love to see her smile
She's basically my life.
I would walk a thousand miles.
Just to make her my wife.
I.
Love.
Her.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey there! Sun here for a quick, short review today!
What a wonderful piece you've got here! Everything goes very well with the theme you've set up. Since this is a review, I have a couple suggestions and ideas to make it even better.
Well, my first thought was: what a very nice, sweet poem that could mean so much to anyone! Loving someone is a very popular topic to write about (especially in poetry) and I think it was a very wise idea and move to do that. I think that it also matches your style of writing and that you could seriously get into writing love poetry, stories, etc.
Anyways, I should probably move on and get to the other points, huh? Alrighty (<.< spell check doesn't say that's a word), here are some nitpicks, thoughts, and other stuffie stuff below.
Hmm... I'm just thinking here, if you love her so much, I would personally try and think of a different word than basically because it doesn't really represent (compared to the rest of the poem) how much you love her. Sorry if I made that sound confusing at all, just trying to help out. Also, another thing to do with this part, is that 'She's' should be 'She is because of the lack of syllables in that line.
I think that the comma on the first line isn't really necessary to have, just so that the flow would feel nicer, taking out a comma here and there. Periods at the end of some lines don't hurt to have, but having too many can be overwhelming - so maybe keep it balanced out so there's not too much chaos between the two and people don't feel like there's not enough flow (or too much). And, I think that, too add some adjectives here, that it wouldn't hurt to put 'loving' in between 'my' and 'wife'.
To give you something else to possibly improve on, is your adjectives and details and descriptions use. Don't be shy, add some feeling and emotion in! It'll add pop to this and more poetry that you make. Just remember, not to do too much that it makes your mind explode or something (just kidding).
So wonderful piece Rainbow! I like how this shows overall how you like someone and feelings toward someone else, but some details could be added too! Keep writing, follow your dreams, and be awesome!
~Sun
Hello! Waffle here for a short review.
So, this was what I like to call a "short and sweet" poem. The quaility isn't that great.
"I love to see her smile" shoud have a period at the end. I get that you may have liked it connected to the next line, but I think it would sound a whole lot better.
"I.
Love.
Her."
I don't really like that part. It makes it sound a bit cheesy, and possibly sappy. I hope that didn't sound harsh. That is not my intention.
As for the rest of the poem, I loved it! It expresses a great feeling that you have for this girl. Keep writing!
Waffle~
Its a very sweet poem, very nice.
Hey! Cello here! (On a mobile so forgive me grammer and spelling)
Okay, all for the poem, it's great, but the puncuation make me cringe. You choose freely (with no real pattern) when ad when not to use periods. I haven't looked over the previous reviews so maybe this has been already said but if im repeating, it's just another reason to change it.
This is a little underdone if that makes sense. 'Usually'. Make that 'always'. Sure, i'm sure you don't CONSTANTLY think about her but would you say to someone you love 'you're usually on my mind' or 'you're always on my mind'?
I don't like the repition of 'see'. That's just my opinion but may i suggest "i love her beautiful smile' or something along those lines?
Sorry this was short, I'm on the bus hom right now so it's hard to type. Hope i helped you improve!
-chocolatecello
Heyo! I know that this review was not intended for me, but I dont think that fixing "she's usually all I can think about" is a big problem. I mean, it IS USUALLY all she can think about. She doesn't ALWAYS think about her. (I used caps cause I couldn't get the slanted letters, but that's just my opinion.)
Hmmm. Your poem is good, but nothing that is like BOOM! IN YOUR FACE! type of poem. You know what I mean? Try to use words that are unique and not used very often. This will help you create something interesting. Keep up the work.
This poem is good but too simple.it seemsthhat you have gathered a group of romantic dalogues.looking at ur name i realizeed that theres a tricky game in the sexuality.this isvan open proposal of avhomosexual love.as for romantic poems use deeper partsvof speech.
Hello there, Luata here for a review! Looking at your stats, I can assume you are new to YWS? If you are, congratulations and welcome! If not, I apologize for my presumption. To address some of the points Andaclare made; one of the many important aspects of a poem, especially the title would be to draw in a reader, especially in short poems as they have to function as almost a line of the poem in order to use everything to its utmost.
Annaclare also had a valid point about "amping" up your poem. The meaning/emotion portrayed is very good, but the "flesh" for lack of a better word is lacking just a bit. I'm not sure what to recommend, you would have to ask someone more qualified in poetry than I am.
Also, the ending three lines,
to refresh your memory, is a nice sentiment but it disrupts the overall flow of the poem. I would suggest melding those lines into one and maybe adding a rhyme of some sort in order to augment the flow.
But to continue with that point, if your intention was the choppiness, congratulations.
Write on
~Luata
The poem is alright. Maybe you could still touch up on it a little bit. Other than that, the poem is good. Keep it up!
Hey hey! I'm here for a review!
? Anyway, this obviously shows a love a person has for a girl, and the message itself is beautiful. This poem can bring many readers down a road of memories where they think about their first love, or how they loved someone. While for others it may remind them of a moment in their life where the courage to say I love you to the "girl" was super difficult. This poem may lead many people down hat road, and for that you did good.
So the last time I've actually made a review as in the summer so I am a bit rusty, but I think that I can still hand out pretty good advice. Before I begin I would like I way I like to focus more on the positive than on the negative. I know there are people on this site that will give you their blunt babies on any work including this, but I try to be more subtle and make you question but also praise the work you've made.
So, first off, your title. I know that we have all been told to never judge a book by its cover and while that's true they never said anything a out the title. I think that titles should be captivating, an attention grabber, something that'll make you question. That's what your title did. This title adds a mystery as to what you're going to talk about, and yet allows people to look in without seeing too much. Ya know?
Now onto the actual poem. If this is actually you talking in this poem. Congrats! You're on love. If not, that's cool to.. All in good time right
The only hint that I personally thought was that you could amp it up a little. The words you use to describe such a passionate topic could use some revision. I'm not saying that your poem as at all bad, I was just implying that you may want to try to use unique and more intriguing words to describe this unique and intriguing topic. Now, obviously this is just my opinion and you do not have to do that. I really want to stress that.
Overall, this poem made me flashback to my love and all the fun times we have had. Thank you for sharing this heart felt and magnifying topic! Keep writing you really do have major talent!
Stay classy and write on!
-Annaclare
Nice poem. I like the rhymes.