I made a challenge to myself: Write something that describe the heat of summer without using the word "hot". This is what I got after 50 minutes and a few Popsicles. Probably a ton of grammatical errors and spelling in this, but...it is so hot here.
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May. The scorching May of blazing sun and burning sky. The light outside my room window is so intense that I thought my eyes would melt just looking at it. I cannot withstand this torment of sweat and dizzying heat any longer. I need them. I need my salvation from this hellish weather, from this fire inside me: The popsicles...
I stand up, and slowly, but firmly, I walked. Walked like a faithful pilgrim reaching to the Promised Land. Step by step, I finally come to the refrigerator. If one stands at the gate of heaven, that person would probably feels what I feel right now, opening the refrigerator door and let the cool breeze washed over me in delight. But...my heart sinks in despair. It was an empty heaven. The popsicles are not here!
Then my senses heighten as I heard the wet sucking noise of someone eating...popsicles. I search for the source of that sinister sound. And what I found in the living room pushed me to the brink of insanity and rage. My cousin, lying on a couch with a fan on full blast directly at him, is eating my popsicles! The LAST one! The table beside him is littered with popsicle sticks, and he himself seems to be in a state of trance, joyously eating MY popsicles!
As if he sensed my furious stare, my cousin says: “There are still freezies in the fridge”. Such BLASPHEMY! How can those mere freezies quench my thirst for the holy popsicles? I spared the heretic from my wrath, however, as my mind has grown weary of the summer noon, and I need to find a salvation for my sufferings. Fast.
Then, like a sign, I hear the sound of music. The music of the ice cream van is coming closer, closer to my house. The childish, stupidly ridiculous melodies playing off the old loudspeaker on top of the van sound like the angels’ bells, calling me forward. I rushed out of my house, and within a few step away, were the van. An young woman inside looks at me and smiles. It is me, or there were wings and halo behind her? It doesn’t matter anymore. I dashed in front of the van in the blink of an eye, and buy my favourite 3 colours popsicle. It is here! My salvation, glittering under the maddening sunlight. There is nothing left between me and the relief of my agonies now. I consume the popsicle like a ritual ceremony, with passion and delight, I relish in the citrus taste and the coolness of it inside my mouth. I am alive!
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Over dramatizing normal events of life have never been so fun.
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My first thought upon reading this was that if May is this hot where you are, I would not like to experience July.
I didn't notice anything negative about this piece except a couple of unnecessary colons which the person before me pointed out and a few spots where you slipped from present to past tense.
Instead of "walked" it should probably be "walk".
Maybe "If one stood at the gate of heaven, that person would probably feel what I feel right now, opening the refrigerator door and letting the cool breeze wash over me in delight." I think that makes more sense.
It should probably be "spare", not "spared".
I think that's it for the mixed tenses, but you might want to revise in case I've missed any.
I think this should be "from", not "for".
Other that this, this was impressive and enjoyable. The over dramatization is really very funny, and I believe your opinion regarding the repetition is correct, it does add to the feel of over dramatization.
Keep up the good work!
I am a person who likes to abuse repetition. I want to make my character sounds like a Popsicle maniac. Everything in his mind must have "Popsicle! Popsicle! Popsicle"! That, and the way he speaks of Popsicle like a religion makes he become more vivid in the mind of the reader and deliver the "over-dramatizing" feel.
Well, at least that is what I thought.
Hi RainWanderer! I'm Earthfire and I'll be your reviewer today.
I didn't see the word "hot" once. Here are just a few nitpicks I found:
This story made me laugh. I love over-dramatizing everyday stuff too. Great job!
I don't think that a colon is necessary. I think it would work just as well as two sentences.
Again, I don't think a colon is necessary, a comma will do.
I think you mean, "Is it me?"
Also, you kind of use the word "popsicle" too much. Are there any synonyms you can use? Maybe you could use a brand name once or twice.
All in all, you did an awesome job on this. Keep writing!
~Earthfire