Mechanical Faries (part 1)

PreviousNext

Part 1(1,390 words) of a 3,436 words short story I wrote. I tell you guys the amount of words so you guys wont be afraid at the wall of text below and hopefully, give me some nice reviews. :)

Mechanical fairies

It was raining outside. Sitting behind a tightly closed window, Titani looked at her own reflection on the raindrops running down on the glass surface. She was small. No, maybe “small” was not the right word. She was tiny, so tiny that she could fits in a human hand. She was a fairy.

But in this world where technology and magical coexist, where human live with magical creatures, the fact that she was a fairy is not strange. However, there was something else that was strange about her: She was also a machine. Titani sighed and reached to her reflection with her metal fingers. On the other side of the window, another fairy reached back to Titani, her blue glass eyes looked straight to Titani’s eyes. “What am I?” Titani unconsciously whispered to the air her thoughts.

“You are Titani-00, an artificial life form created by Professor Spear.”A calm, emotionless voice came from behind her.

“I did not ask you, Maria!” Titani angrily turned back, making her long silver hair spin in the air, sweeping across her thin fibreglass wings.

“My deepest apology.” Maria, the beautiful servant Doll, bowed down to Titani as an act of apology.

“You don’t have to do that either.” Titani said, frowning.

“It was how I programmed.” Maria replied in the monotone, emotionless voice again.

“Fine, whatever, please leaves me alone. Geez, Dad and his maid fetish…” Titani said as she once again facing the window.

Rain kept falling outside. “’Artificial life form’, hmm? What a nice way of putting it. I am nothing but a mechanical fairy…I am no different from those soulless dolls.” Titani bitterly thought, buried her face in her arms.

Four years ago, her creator, Arch Wizard Professor Wilhelm Spear had successfully using arcatech – a technology using arcane magic as base – to fused a fairy soul into a mechanical body and created her. Unlike the Dolls created by magical programming into a machine, she was a breakthrough of arcatech: a fairy – spirit of nature – inside a mechanical shell. 2 opposing forces existed in one body. Many had failed trying, but Professor Wilhelm Spear was able to created Titani. Needless to say how happy and proud he was, but it was not the case for Titani. Her fairy soul longs for her own kinds, but having the mechanical body, she was rejected by the fairies. She was all alone then.

Titani stood up, and started to fly away on her small insect-like wings. Professor Spear had kept his design for her body resembled a real fairy body for easier synching between soul and body, but mechanical traits are still there: Small round sphere in place of joints that give her a doll-like looks, her ears are leaf-shape devices on the sides of her heads, the metallic blue color of her skin, and the black numbers “00” on the side of her right arm. Those are the things that she hates the most about this body, especially the numbers.

“Where are you going, Titani-00? “ Maria asks as Titani flew across.

“None of your business!” Titani snapped.

“It is my business because Professor Spear had ordered me to watch over you while he is away.” Maria calmly replied.

Titani gave a tired look at Maria and yawned, “Can I just go to sleep? I’m bored.”

“No you cannot. It is not scheduled now.” Maria said as she coldly looked back at Titani, “Besides, overcharging life battery might bring unwanted result.”

“I don’t care! Don’t you dare anger me! You know what happen when I am angry.” Titani angrily stared back at Maria; she hated to be told what to do.

“My deepest apology.” Maria said and started to bow again. But she suddenly stopped when Titani raised her hand. With another gesture of her hand, Titani made Maria goes away like controlling a puppet. It was her power: like the fairies in the wood that were able to control nature as their will, Titani were able to control any mechanical devices as she want. Professor Spear sometimes calls her “Queen of machines” was also because of that power.

“I hate being bowed at all the time…make me feel so old.” Titani mumbling as she slowly flew to the couch then letting herself free fall into the soft cushions. She laid flat on them, then without even looking, she snapped her fingers, turning the TV on.

“Why dad is so late today?”Titani turned aside and looked up to the boring TV news flash by. Things like an elf died because of overindulged or the Dragons Union had opened a new bank system does not interested her. After all, she was not able to go outside anyway, what good would the news do for her? She was “too precious to be lost”, Professor Spear once said that to her when she asked him to go out. And so she lived a sheltered life in her creator’s house in the past four years, all alone with only Professor Spear as her only real friend.

“Honey! I’m home!” A loud voice came from the hall.

“Daddy!” Titani, upon hearing Professor Spear’s voice, instantly stood up, and like a silver arrow, she bolted out to the door on her little wings. Then she saw Professor Spear: A tall, thin man in his twenties with hair so long that you could only see in anime and manga – a proof that he was an otaku. And sticking out of that hair were two cat ears. No, they were not his costume, although he would wear cat ears costume if he didn’t have his real cat ears. He was one of the cat man tribe. He was still wearing his lab coat which was soaked in rain water, on one of his hand was a plastic bag and his other hand was busying taking his shoes out. Without any warning, Titani rushed to him and held his face with her tiny arms.

“Whoa! Careful darling, I am still wet and I don’t want you to get rusty.” Professor Spear let out a warm smile as he carefully took Titani off his face and letting her stands on his hand.

“I am made of rust-proof material!” Titani said and stuck out her tongue at him, then continued, “Why were you so late anyway? I was so bored at home without you.”

“Well darling, it was a long way to home.” The Professor happily said, smiling for two seconds before his smile froze. He had just realized that he had slipped his tongue.

“Long way home from where?” Titani flew up to face him closely, her glass blue eyes burning with anger.

“Eh…he he, did you know that you are very beautiful when you are angry Titani? I sure did make a good work on…”Professor Spear nervously said before he got cut in by Titani:

“Stop avoiding the question.”

“Well, you know, I am back from work, of course.”

“You work right downstairs.” Titani coldly said, her eyes still fixed on Professor Spear’s eyes. It was the truth that Professor Spear’s work place was right below his house. After the creation of Titani, he went on creating dolls. His dolls, like Maria, were so on high demanded that he now became president of Titani Enterprise – an enterprise that mass producing Dolls for customers. And on top of the enterprise headquarter building was his traditional Japanese-style house, like in an anime he had watched long ago.

“The Teleporter is malfunctioning today.” Professor Spear said, trying to smile, but sweat drops were starting to form on his forehead and falling on his glass.

“I did check the Teleporter’s condition today, Daddy, and it works perfectly.” Titani kept on coldly interrogate Professor Spear with her blazing blue eyes.

“Uhmm…well, sorry for trying to keep this as a secret from you, but I went outside a little to buy a cake for your birthday!”

“Oh really?” Titani happily smiled, her eyes sparkled with joy.

“Yes, really.” Professor Spear smiled with Titani, seeing his way out of troubles, didn’t realise that he had made a fatal mistake.

“But daddy, you know what?” Titani flew up and face Professor S. again before he could walk away with the bag.

“What is it dear?” Professor S. smiled again, trying to look calm.

“My birthday is next month.” Titani said, smiling.

(To be continued) :D

Comments & reviews · 10
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Lauren2010
Review

I really love your concept here. You certainly have an interesting and unique idea to this. In addition to what others have pointed out, I only have a few things...

The interaction between Titani and the Professor seems off to me. It seems that Titani is very resentful of her very existance. She wants to go outside, but the professor won't lether. She wants to be independant, but the professor sends Maria to watch over her. She is a machine, so the other faries won't befriend her.

It seems to me that Titani wouldn't be on such kindly terms with the professor, who basically is the cause of everything she dislikes in her life. Whenever she called him 'Dad' or 'Daddy' it felt weird because I couldn't see her being so loving of this man. But if there is a good reason for her to act like this towards him, explain it to the reader.

The cake. I personally understood that he didn't really have a cake. :)

Make sure to proof-read this to fix some of the grammatical things. I noticed tense changes all over the place, missing words, and other small errors. Nothing that can't be fixed with a good proof-read, though. :)

Anyways, good job. I can't wait to read more of this. :)

-Lauren

User avatar
IzumiRyuichi
Review

Well, all I have to say, is that this is outstanding. The detail describing everything was phenomenal and you showed emotions quite well. When Titani's father came home the way you described the conversation was perfect. The suspences has definatly forced me to continue reading this story.

Random avatar
RainWanderer
Comment

Whoa...I didn't see that. Can't believe I missed such an obvious mistake...
And again, about the cake, please read the next part... maybe I should rewrite the conversation between Titani and the Professor about the cake to make it less confusing.

Random avatar
Ace Markaa
Comment

Maria's speech patterns are fragments or awkward. This sentence is missing 'was'. "It was how I programmed"


The cake is a lie!? O.o
If Titani is that stupid to believe a lie like that then I have serious doubts that her mentality is appropriate given your desire for a child-like demeanor.

Random avatar
RainWanderer
Comment

Thank for the reviews!

>WhiteTigy
I see what you mean, I will look more into it and pump in more description! About the grammatical errors, it might be easy for English speakers, but for an English learner like me, it might be a little challenging...but I won't give up!

>Ace Markaa
Sentence fragments? I did try my best to avoid those. If you could please show me some clear examples in my work, I will look them over and rewrite them. About the relationship tags..."Honey" does seem wrong for a father to call his daughter like that, although I tried to make it sound cliche to add the humorous element to the story. Seem like it backfired me? And I tried to make Titani a lonely and sad child with only her father as friend, but seem like I failed at it too...
And the cake! Seem like I also failed at this, because what I meant in the story is: The professor was trying to make up some excuses to hide what he really did, which is definitely not buying a cake for his daughter.
Read the next part for more! :)

Random avatar
Ace Markaa
Review

Form wise this works, but it falls more under a sci-fi/fantasy cross which it is pretty clear you have little research in.

Avoid sentence fragments, even if they are mechanicial. If you can give human AI to a machine, make sure that they are capable of communicating in full sentences and using proper grammer. Language obeys specific laws and has few exceptions, perfect for machines.

Avoid weird relationships tags... i.e. 'Honey, I'm home.' and 'Daddy' as these are probably cliche, wrong or downright awkward. Everytime I hear 'Daddy' I cringe because Titani is not a child in mind or action.

Cakes are no good after three days. A month is a stretch even by those horrible frozen ice cream ones. Trust me, I serve cakes everyday that are made fresh in the bakery. I won't eat them past three days even though they were in the refrigerator.

User avatar
WhiteTiger93
Review

Okay, here I am to review. ^^ I'm sorry, it's not so great, but I'll try to give you a good, definite review.

This was pretty good. You have a solid idea that has real talent to become a very interesting story. (: I saw some mistakes (grammatically) but most can be fixed easily.

Now, for the harder things to fix. Please, please, please add in description. For example one of your sentences went like this -

On the other side of the window, another fairy reached back to Titani, her blue glass eyes looked straight to Titani’s eyes. “What am I?” Titani unconsciously whispered to the air her thoughts.

This dosen't have any...falir to it. This is just a suggestion but maybe try something like -

Directly ahead of Titani, another fairy reached back for her, her glassy, peircing blue eyes staring straight at her. She ran her fingers down the rain splattered glass, turning her face from her reflection. Of course their wasn't someone like her. She was destined to be lonely. "What am I?" whispered Titani.

I'm not saying my sentence is much, but you see what I mean. You can do so much more to all of your sentences. ^^ just try to describe things a little more.

Now I won't repeat the other things Octo said, but you do need to work on this some. It has quite a bit of errors, bu please stick with this. As I said before, the idea is quite interesting and I'd love to see more of it. (:

Good luck with all your writing!

Random avatar
RainWanderer
Comment

Thanks a lot for the review! I am sorry for a long post, but it is supposed to be a short story so I don't want to separate it out. But I will listen to you and make it to smaller chunks.

About the tenses, I originally planned to write it in present tense, but then I changed my mind and rewrote it in past tense. There must be some place that I had forgotten to change back.

And about errors all over the place? I guess it cant' be help since I wrote this in a flash of inspiration, I just wrote everything I had in my mind without even re-read what I wrote. I should start proof-reading my work before posting from now on.... :? .

Again,thanks for the review, it really helps me. I will post back the edited version as fast as I can.

User avatar
octocoffee
Review

Hi RainWanderer!

So usually I quote and correct, but your story is quite long so I couldn't. I'll try to point out the main things and let you go through the story and fix them.

First of all, your tenses are all over the place! Sometimes it's in the past, sometimes it's in the present. Pick one tense (I recommend the past) and make sure everything conforms to it.

Secondly, when talking about numbers, actually write them out. Fifteen instead of 15, two instead of 2. The exception to this is when the number is really large, a decimal, or just a nuisance to write out in general. Usually my rule is any number under one-hundred must be written out. Also, if you have to use a large number like 5,776 do not place it at the beginning of a sentence. Avoid at all costs!

When Titani speaks to or of her creator, it should be 'Dad' or 'Daddy', since it is her name, her direct address, to him.

I really really hate to say this, and please don't take this the wrong way, but this story needs a lot of work. The content is great, I absolutely love the idea of a mechanical fairy and her 'Loveless-esque' creator. Plus, the majority of your dialogue is really interesting, I like the descriptions, and the characterization is pretty solid. But the entire thing is riddled with errors, so many that it would take me a really long time to point them all out over computer. You should go over this and edit as much as you can, then repost it, but in smaller chunks. It's really hard for people to go and critique this much work. If you need help or have questions or anything at all, please don't hesitate to send me a message. I'd love to give you a hand and make this story the best it can be.

Best of luck,
octo



Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant