Published March 9, 2008
Harry, I hate potions. How the HELL do you stew a blueworm?? What IS a blueworm???
Tell me about it. But maybe you'd know if you'd listened?
If you think I don't have better things to do in potions than listen to Slughorn, you're deluded.
I'm not listening, either, actually. I'm daydreaming. But not about anyone you know. NO-ONE.
whats this got to do with Blueworms? You've gone mental, mate.
Uh, yeah. Mental, definately. Not...anything else. Just sick in the head. Not sick in any other way.
Are you trying to give me clues about something? Harry, talk to Hermione, she's the one with the brains. Anyhoo, BACK TO BLUEWORMS, I'm stuck. Ginny was talking about how she hexed them, and something weird happened, but I wasn't listening so I don't know what actually happened. Should I try? - Hermione has spotted us and is looking stuffy...
Hermione ALWAYS looks stuffy! And what do I care what Ginny said? Answer- I don't. I care about that as much as Blueworms.
Oh, the Prince has written something about Blueworms! Hang on...
Hurry up....Hermione is boring holes in my head...
"Slice with haste, head to tail, then grate and boil in leeches". The first bit's like cheese.
That's disgusting, its gone everywhere. Look at Hermione....BLOODY HELL, how much pus can there be in one worm?
Don't call Hermione a worm!
Oh ha ha. I meant the Blueworm, you idiot. What do I do next? Someones been sick on the instructions.
Ha! They were probably working with Blueworms. Or looking at Ginny. Because that's what I'd do. If I saw Ginny.
That's a bit harsh, mate! That's my sister you're talking about! Anyway, what do I do next? Your potion's purple already....
Oh yeah. She's your sister. I ALWAYS forget that.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Humm...I'm a bit comfused. And the bold typing really through me off. It was an ok read. Not the best I've read, but its not the worst either. Good start.
Um, it doesn't actually sound like them. Funny, but the way you wrote it, I couldn't even figure out who was who till the end.
When I did, they were completely out of character.
I'll give you dibs on it's being funny, though.
And Harry sounded REALLY defensive. xDD
Overall I liked it and thought it was an interesting format. Bu the part, "Or looking at Ginny. Because that's what I'd do. If I saw Ginny." didn't seem like something Harry would say. In the sixth book (that is where this takes place, isn't it?) Harry never tries to convince Ron that he doesn't like Ginny by saying stuff like that about her. He just acts like he thinks of Ginny in the same way he has for the past five books. So maybe you could change that. And the "Oh yeah. She's your sister. I ALWAYS forget that." seemed a bit too obvious. But other than that it was a pretty good story.
That is funny. You might want to edit it so that you can really tell who it is passing the note for people who haven't read Harry Potter. Otherwise it was great. You made there personality so real to the way J.K. Rowling does it. :smt041 good job.
I'm glad that you used words like "mental" and "mate" that seemed to make it sound more like Harry and Ron. I'm not going to keep hitting the dead horse with a stick by saying that it doesn't sound like them, so I won't. I think that you should of had a paragraph or two describing whats going on in the room and what the characters are doing. I wasn't confused or anything but it would have been nice to say that it was Ron that was talking to Harry and not someone I had to guess.
Keep on writing!
I agree with Mike. This doesn't sound like a conversation between Harry and Ron. There is quite a lot of conversations they have in class in the books. Find one and see how they talk to each other.
Good luck!
~Blue Fairy
I personally thought that these conversations sounded nothing like what Harry and Ron would say. Besides, they're usually sitting by each other and talking anyway. If you ask me, you made Harry seam a little paranoid, and at times It felt like girls were talking (at least it did to me).
To make this interesting, get rid of words with all capitol letters, get rid of any smiley faces you have in there, and study the way Harry and Ron talk so you don't make them sound so out of character.