A play on the Do Not Stand By My Grave And Weep Poem. I was wondering how a humanist copes with a death as they don't believe in life once you've died.
Do not stand by my grave and weep
I am not there
I do not sleep
For in our lives we hope and long
For heaven, once our souls move on
The truth is that life lies within
This living, breathing world we're in
So don't stand by my grave and cry
I am not there
For I have died
And mourning wastes your time, its true
Because one day, someday
You'll die too.
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Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!
The rhyming was so effortless, and you even managed to characterize a narrator we only know for 13 lines (13? Interesting...) I know, this is absolutely no help whatsoever, but still, before I could sign up, I read this and was dying to tell you how much I loved it.
I'm so terribly sorry, but I absolutely loved this.
A poem about death ends up being one of my favorites. Wonderful. I wonder what this says of my personality?
Anyway, I couldn't find anything wrong with it, but I'm not good with the grammatical aspects of poetry, or any of the technical things. Just had to tell you.
~Evi
Hi, It's praisejoe here. I read your poem and it is quite intresting even as it brings to mind a very important and contemporary issue. So many people run away from the truth that one day there life on earth will come to an end but also continues on the other side of eternity. Your poem expresses this daring truth in a manner i like sincerely. I love the poem although some of the rhymes seem to be forced alongside some grammatical errors like the use of punctuation marks in some cases. The issue of placing sleep and death side by side is another pivotal point in this poem. I think sleep can be compared or said to be alike in a sense. When we die that's not the end we only sleep to wake up in eternity. So sleep and death are alike in one sense. I generally love your work and look forward to seeing more of them. You can PM me on any of your new postings and I'll be glad to read them. Thanks, keep up and improve on the quality of your work
That is one of the most interesting poems I've read. It got me thinking about how humanists must feel like they have such a short amount of time for living.
"And mourning wastes your time, its true
Because one day, someday
You'll die too."
I like the way this poem, in an odd sort of way, encourages people to go out and live their lives and not wallow in sadness. I'm no editor but I couldn't find anything wrong with your poem. You are truly a great writer.
Poetry, when read properly, should should be read like prose --meaning the punctuation dictates where the reader pauses. So right now the poem reads like one solid line: "Do not stand by my grave and weep I am not there I do not sleep . . ." And then it continues into the next line without pause. You might want to consider some punctuation here to let the poem flow better, or at least give the reader a place to breathe.
Once again, you might want to consider some more punctuation. The message is clear though, and the voice is strengthened by the word choice.
Nice repetition from the beginning, but from this perspective you've paralleled sleep with death and I'm not quite sure it fits. In spite of this the poem wraps up very nicely, if not a little morbidly.
Hey!
This is a pretty good poem concerning where we go when we die. Since the human race understands so little of this, its good to wonder in our poems.
I was curious, is this poem written after the person died, or before, because you do not make that very clear. You need to be specific with these kinds of poems.
What exactly do you mean by this? Are you referring sleeping to lying in a grave, or is this before you die? This line makes it sound a tad bit childish. Since this person is making a statement, and a very serious one too, you might want to change this line.
Do not add extra words just for rhyming sake. It throws the whole poem off and make all your rhymes look forced. You will want to change this line.
Also, it would be a good idea not to rhyme words with different syllables. It throws the rhyme off and make it sound forced.
All in all, good poem. I would never have thought to write something like this.
Pm me if you have any questions
*Princess*
Hey Raimunda!
. There's nothing really to pick at here, so I say it's great! Keep writing! Your stuff is good!
I don't know how to say this without sounding rude-- forgive me if I do, but it seems like I've read this before.
It's pretty common to see this type of poem in an obituary or whatever they call it, but it really feels like I've read this before.
Anyway! Aside from all of that, it's a brilliant piece of work, very simple, and nice. I like it a lot
Good job! 7/10
June
I like this poem. It says for the dying what we mourners are too sorrowful to realize. And it says it tactfully, too. I like that oh-so-simple-fact. But you have some, eh, punctuation issues. Including apostrophes. Seriously, you have a major punctuation deficiency. Most poems like this should be riddled with commas, semi colons, full stops, brief pauses...It would be such a cute but sad little piece of bittersweet if you'd just put some in. Please do..I enjoyed it, but not the punctuation deficiency. SO FIX IT!
Cheers!
--vox
Edited.
Thanks. Specially to Galerius.
xxx
Wow. It's very deep and sad, but I really liked it. I love how the rhyme seems to come so naturally, and how it doesn't seem forced, like it sometimes tends to. I particularly like the last couple of lines: "Its just a waste of time, it's true Because one day, someday You'll die too." It's like you're pointing out the truth that no one wants to face.
Interesting parallels between sleep and death; however, considering that this is from a existentialist standpoint, does sleep really equate to loss of life? That would be more of a religious standpoint because sleep is yin to awakening, which humanists don't see as a reality. Reality is life and death is the end of life, therefore end of reality. So I question your use of sleep to describe death, as I do not think this can be justified - sleep has no properties of "oblivion" and "nihilism" like the atheist concept of death does, after all.
The ending was unexpected, and not in a good way; you started off as clearly... 19th century romantic view on life, almost, and then suddenly, in the last three lines (the one about "waste your time" especially), your writing becomes much more gritty and realistic. I do not know if you intended for this to be the case, but either way it disrupts the flow of the poem and it would be preferable for that flow either to transcend into something else seamlessly or to keep going until the end; right now, none of those are happening. Instead, you basically rebuff the subject of the poem in the most callous of fashions.
This was a good poem. I feel that with these revisions (the changing tone and the spiritual aspects of death, which a humanist would not include as part of his/her philosophy, confuse the overarching theme of the poem), the piece can stand strong on its own; it harkens to the original but adds a new spin on it, which is admirable.