~ PRESENT ~
I ran. I ran as fast as my tired legs could carry me. I searched for a taxi but there was no vacant taxi in the busy street of New York City. Come on, come on, God, don't be so cruel. I threw out my arms and motioned a vacant taxi to stop. It didn't stop, it sped past me. I sighed. The honking of cars, laughter and talking of people made tears come to my eyes. I saw the couples sitting merrily in Hugh's Coffee House and chatting merrily. Johnnie and I used to come here. Teardrops trickled down my cheeks but I made no effort to wipe them away. Oh Johnnie, what happened to us?
~ EIGHT MONTHS AGO ~
"I love you, Johnnie," I whispered into Johnnie's ear, locking our hands together. Johnnie and I cuddled together comfortably at a table in the corner in Hugh's Coffee House. I sat beside him, his other hand around me. This was perfect. I wished that this moment never ended.
"I love you too, Ellie," he whispered back into my ear.
I looked up at him, I really did love him. He's absolutely perfect. The way he smiled, his white pearly teeth, flashing. To me his smile was million times brighter than the sun. His hazel eyes, deep, which always made him look thoughtful. I loved his silky brown hair. He was an amazing person, humorous, everything a girl could wish for. He was too perfect to be real.
"I'll never find someone like you," I said softly.
He laughed and said, "Of course!" Gosh, I loved the way he laughed.
"We'll be forever together," I sighed.
"Love isn't like that," Johnnie shook his head, "sometimes it lasts but sometimes it hurts instead."
"Then our love will last," I said.
Johnnie didn't say anything. He just smiled.
~ PRESENT ~
Finally a taxi stopped to let me in. "To Johnnie's," I said, panting, without realizing what I had just said.
"Excuse me?" the taxi driver asked politely.
Stupid, me. Of course he doesn't know Johnnie. My Johnnie. I gave him the directions and told him to drive fast, I didn't have much time. I really didn't have much time. I needed to get to John. I had to find out if it was true. I just ran into him a few weeks ago in a book store. He didn't mention anything when I met him. All he did was nod to my 'hi'. He seemed normal. He seemed happy. Happier than when he was with me.
Happier.
~ SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS AGO ~
Tears streamed down my cheeks. Johnnie left the room slamming the door shut behind him. I had never seen him so angry. His eyes always so thoughtful... were burning. The flame in his eyes burned me down. I collapsed down on the floor. I buried my face into my knees and cried. Johnnie and I dated for almost five years. He asked me out right before graduation. And since then we were 'the happy couple'. What happened? What happened? Johnnie and I never fought. We were perfect. Then why is he so... different? I sobbed like a child. Child. Johnnie and I were childhood friends. I remember us as children.
"Hey Eleanor? Will you fly kite with me?" the ten-year-old-missing-one-front-tooth Johnnie said to me one summer morning.
"I don't know how to," I replied shyly. "Anyways I can't. Mary invited me to play tea party with her."
Johnnie turned away. He never understood girls and their obsession with dolls.
Even those memories couldn't make me laugh then. Johnnie asked me to marry him but I was not willing to make commitment. I begged him a lot to stay but he didn't listen.
That was the last time I talked to Johnnie.
~ PRESENT ~
I looked outside the taxi. The sky outside which was sunny an hour ago was grey now. It will rain. But who'd know that it would be bittersweet seeing Johnnie again? But much, much more bitter than sweet. I was so stupid to let Johnnie go. I should have tried to make up to him or at least talked to him, but I was scared. Scared that I might make situations worse. He never attempted to make it up either. I was to move in but a week before that we had that fight. Those thoughts burned me from the inside whenever I thought about it. We spent six and a half months apart. I wished to talk to him everyday but my cowardice held me back. I should have tried at least.
Refusing Johnnie's proposal was my biggest mistake. I regret that now.
Time flies so quickly. It seems like it was only yesterday when we had the time of our lives.
I barely noticed the taxi driver or wherever I was going. I couldn't care less. All I cared about was reaching Johnnie's new house.
~ HALF AN HOUR AGO ~
"What? Are you sure Ginny? Are you absolutely sure?" I asked Ginny, my best friend of six years, through the phone. I couldn't believe what I just heard.
"Yes, Ellie, I'm absolutely sure," Ginny replied. "I'm sorry, El," she added hearing my sobs.
I disconnected without saying another word. I ran out of my apartment and tried to find a taxi. I need to find Johnnie. I can't fight it, I need to tell him that it isn't over for me.
~ PRESENT ~
The taxi stopped suddenly. I snapped out my thoughts and noticed that I had reached my destination: Johnnie's house.
I paid the taxi driver and he politely wished me a good day. I nodded.
I took a deep breathe and walked towards Johnnie's house. It was just like the dream house Johnnie and I always wanted just there were some different touches which I was sure wasn't Johnnie's. I noticed two people in the front porch. There was a man and a woman. I recognized the silky brown hair: Johnnie. My heart skipped a beat. I nervously walked up to them just when they kissed. Tears filled my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I held them back and put on a sad smile. I tried my best not to break down. Ginny was right. My Johnnie's getting married to a woman called Anna.
Johnnie and Anna turned around to notice me standing there, almost about to cry. "El-Ellie. What a surprise!" said Johnnie genuinely surprised.
It was nice to see him again and hear his voice.
Gosh, Anna was so beautiful, her pale blonde hair gleaming in the sunlight. She had light blue twinkling eyes and a pretty little nose. Jealousy flowed through my veins.
"Oh, I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited. I just wanted to wish you- you two the best," I said, crying, unable to hold back my tears any longer. Anna stared from me to Johnnie unable to recognize me.
"What brings you here, El?" Johnnie asked. Was he happy seeing me or was he angry because I showed up in his new life. In his new, perfect, life. His voice told me nothing. Anna was staring at us with a frown on her beautiful face.
"I congratulate you, John," I said. I never called him 'John'. He noticed that too. He was too surprised to talk. "I guess she gave you things I couldn't ever give you. I couldn't give you commitment or the T.V. remote", I laughed sorrowfully. "I'm sorry for interfering in your new life. I just had to tell you that- that it isn't- never mind," I shrugged, "I'll find someone else like you." I turned back and walked away from them, without giving them any chance to talk. I don't know if they understood anything I said. It was stupid, stupid of me to turn up here. I looked up at the grey sky, a drop of rainwater fell on my cheek.
But there isn't anyone like you.
I'll never find someone like you.
The End :'(
(Author's Note: This is my first ever short story which I finished. And this is my first ever romantic story too! I NEVER write Romance. Please let me know what you think!
P.S. I know that it might seem a bit incomplete but that was all I could come up within three hours :P If you are wondering why I didn't take my time, then let me tell you, I'M SIMPLY NOT LIKE THAT. I'm not patient at all.)
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139,632 Literary Works • 672,636 Reviews
Hi RaeLynn :3
But he doesn't come alive in my mind other than this picture of what I imagine a perfect guy to be like. You need to describe Johnnie a little bit more and you could add more traits- good and bad.
I see this is your first and only story on this site and let's get on with the review!
Firstly, this piece is well written. It's considerably well-written considering that it's your first ever romance story and you don't write romance. Well, you did well out of your comfort-zone
BUT this is in dire need of editing.
You need to be patient and go through this story one more time, find your mistakes and edit it.
I think this story needs a little bit more of background, characters and a firm storyline.
The story could be elaborated a little bit more to make it seem more convincing. You could try adding new scenes and please work on the emotional parts. They need more description.
Since this is based on a song, you strictly kept it similar to the song verses but for this story to be more vivid and it to come alive in the reader's mind, more characters and description is needed.
This piece could be gold only if you can go through it with full concentration.
A few examples of where you missed spaces:
"What? Are you sure Ginny? Are youabsolutelysure?"
not to break down.Ginny was right.
It was stupid,stupidof me to turn up here.
In his new,perfect,life.
We wereperfect.Then why is he so...different? I sobbed like a child.Child.
You need to fix them. It gets confusing for the readers.
Moving on to the characters:
Johnnie seems like knight in shining armor
But I must admit how I love Johnnie's character. He seems way more mature and realistic than Eleanor.
Eleanor is the image of naivety. I assume she believes in "true love" and that love would last forever. So naturally she was a mess when they broke up. I appreciate how you made Eleanor so dramatic and brokenhearted. To make her character seem real and to make her naivety stand out, you could add some scenes where she is portrayed as optimistic and a strong believer in happy endings.
Ginny doesn't really have much of an importance here and she doesn't need much description.
The most flawless character (in creating and also as a real person) is Anna. Wow. I mean simply, wow. Anna has the perfect description, not too much revealed about her and it keeps the readers thinking if Anna would be jealous of Eleanor and be mean to her when she learns who she is or be mad with Johnnie for never letting her know about Eleanor or would she simply accept it.
Done with the characters, now to setting.
The setting of the first scene was quite dramatic- a busy New York road. It's enough to keep the readers hooked.
Slowly the setting gets confusing. Flashbacks come too often and are too short.
I love the last setting- Anna and Johnnie are at their dream house and Eleanor shows up.
Somethings which could heat it up:
You could turn it into slightly humorous at the beginning. Like Eleanor doing something crazy in desperate need of transportation. Like she was the goody-two-shoes and ended up driving some other person's car or bike to Johnie's house because she could find any means of transportation.
But you want a sad ending so you need to use the perfect amount of emotions in each scene so that you can manage the readers to shed a few tears at the end.
So that's that.
Overall, it's silver.
Turn it into gold! :3
Good luck and keep on writing!
~Gigi
PS. This smiley is creepy >
I loved it! It was quite interesting to me! There where however mistakes, sometimes you forgot to add spaces and comas and periods. I think you should work harder with patience so it will be a better story. I could see the similarities between 'Someone Like You' You did very well with converting a well written song into a semi- well written story! Keep writing!
Hey there RaeLynn!
Be sure to check out other writer's work too. I'm sure they'd really appreciate it and it's the fastest way to make some writer pals!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
I hope you're enjoying the site
Onto the review!
This was quite a sweet story and I liked the fact that it didn't end up all happily in the end. That Johnnie didn't throw Anna away and leap into Ellie's arms! It was a nice sort of realistic touch...bittersweet. She loved him so much that eventually she was able to let him go.
I just have a couple of points I wanted to address. First one is just a nitpicky thing really but I noticed that when you were writing in italics you had a tendency not to put spaces between the words. Was this deliberate? Because it seemed a little odd to me and kind of pulled me out of the story a little as I tried to make out what you were saying some of the time.
Next point is that you never said why Ellie rejected Johnnie when he proposed. Was she not ready? Could she not see herself getting married? What was the reason? You don't have to flat out say it but just a few hints dropped here and there would be nice. It just seems odd because at one point you said how the house looked like how Ellie and Johnnie said their dream house would look...so she was thinking about them in a house together? So she did want a future with him? So it seems a little confusing that she would reject him when she loves him that much and she imagines a future with him. So maybe clear that up a little, look a little more into Ellie's motivations as a character to make her journey that much more believable. It could be cool if you can think of a reason that she somehow resolves in the end. Like...what if she wasn't entirely sure why she rejected him to begin with, she just had this off feeling but then when she sees him with Anna and by the house she realises that she just wanted Johnnie for what he stood for. Stability and a symbol of what you were supposed to do in life. Reasons like that are good. So the main character completes this journey.
Anyway! I hope that helped
Bex x
Thanks a lot! ^_^ This really helped and I'll try to review other stories as well and try to edit mine as soon as possible!
Hi there
I'll admit that I haven't read it all, but it's just because I don't have enough time to do that:)
Okay, so I really like the idea of writing a story based on a song, mainly because I do that a lot, therefore I find it as a great inspiration.
I liked this piece (as far as I read it, of course), but still I have a few comments:
1. You often use unnecessary words, which makes it hard to read. For example:
I saw the couples sitting merrily in Hugh's Coffee House and chatting merrily (merrily)
"I love you, Johnnie," I whispered into Johnnie's ear, locking our hands together. Johnnie and I cuddled together comfortably at a table in the corner in Hugh's Coffee House. I sat beside him, his other hand around me. This was perfect. I wished that this moment never ended. ("I love you, Johnnie," I whispered into his ear, locking our hands together. We cuddled together comfortably at a table in the corner in Hugh's Coffee House. I sat beside him, his other hand around me. THAT was perfect. I wished that THAT moment never ended.)
2.You missed a space a couple of times
3. Sometimes the titles were confusing, for example
~ SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS AGO ~ Tears streamed down my cheeks. Johnnie left the room slamming the door shut behind him. I had never seen him so angry. His eyes always so thoughtful... were burning. The flame in his eyes burned me down. I collapsed down on the floor. I buried my face into my knees and cried. Johnnie and I dated for almost five years. He asked me out right before graduation. And since then we were 'the happy couple'.What happened? What happened? Johnnie and I never fought. We wereperfect.Then why is he so...different? I sobbed like a child.Child. Johnnie and I were childhood friends. I remember us as children
I don't understand, was she thinking about that seven and a half months ago? Maybe it's just me, if it is I hope you won't mind!!:)
All in all, I think that this piece definitely has a potential. You should just read it a couple of times as you have never read it before and you'll see what you could improve and what might be confusing to the reader.
I would suggest on explaining a little less (Instead of: He hurt her so she is feeling sad now, Her body is trembling from the pain in her heart), using simple sentences and a little bit more imagery.
Well done:) Keep writing and if you need anythinggg feel free to ask me:)
Love, Klara
Thanks a lot! I really appreciate the critiques!
I think the idea of writing a short story based on a song is really cool. I think relationships and marriage are a little bit more nuanced than how you portrayed them.
Grammar: (many missing 'a's)
a million times brighter
His deep hazel eyes always made him look thoughtful.
will you fly a kite with me
to make a commitment
deep breath
two people on the front porch
In regards to not being patient: "Every project is a race against your own enthusiasm for it," so I completely understand.
I salute your effort with a new idea and I hope you keep writing.
Thanks
I highly appreciate your critiques!