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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

​She’d seemed divine: Genre Villanelle

by Radrook


She seemed divine dressed in her wedding gown.

Angelic smile and gazes dazzled me.

I felt she was a treasure few had found.

-

Dissolved were all the reasons for my frowns.

Alone I was no longer meant to be.

She seemed divine dressed in her wedding gown.

-

I felt the envy of entire towns

as they proclaimed I’d done so splendidly.

I felt she was a treasure few had found.

-

No longer would I grovel on the ground

but soar above the earth contentedly.

She seemed divine dressed in her wedding gown!

-

For paradise I dreamed that I was bound.

That day we wed seemed oh so heavenly!

I felt she was a treasure few had found.

-

But suddenly she turned and tore me down.

Accursed be the day she married me!

She seemed divine dressed in her wedding gown.

I thought she was a treasure few had found.


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499 Reviews


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Thu May 31, 2018 11:37 pm
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Que wrote a review...



Hey Radrook! It's been a while since I've reviewed poetry/reviewed in general, so just a heads up that if I seem a little rusty, I probably am.

She’d seemed divine dressed in her wedding gown.

"She'd" seems out of place here, and that's important because this line keeps repeating. I think you intend it to be short for "She had seemed", which also sounds a little odd. I think that you can just leave it as "she seemed divine...", because you use the same past tense for the rest of the poem. Does that make sense? "She seemed" would line up with "I dreamed" and "I felt", so I think in this way, too, it reads better than "she'd".

Dissolved were all the reasons for my frowns.

No longer was aloneness destiny.

She’d seemed divine dressed in her wedding gown.

This is a stanza in particular that I thought could use some negotiating. One of the trickiest things about rhyme is getting the ends to line up properly while having the line itself read naturally -- plus, you're thinking about meter as well! Still, I think that some tinkering would be good here. While both lines are technically okay, some rearranging could really improve the stanza. For example, the second line could be, "For she destroyed my lonely destiny" -- maybe that's not quite what you want to say, but something like that reads a little more straight-forward.

I felt the envy of entire towns

as they proclaimed I’d done so splendidly.

I feel as if these two lines don't quite go together. They both do a good job of showing how wonderful this girl is perceived to be, but I think envious towns wouldn't be "proclaiming" how he'd done so well. I'm not sure how I'd change it, but I thought I would mention it just in case you had an idea on it and wanted to change it.

But suddenly she called me fool and clown..

Accursed be the day she married me!

I think that the main thing here is that the first line rings a little hollow. I think that's mostly because "fool" and "clown" are sort of old-fashioned and not very strong. While of course they could be very hurtful, especially in this case, they sound a little bit silly among the majestic imagery, where they could have sounded stronger. I'm not sure that clown is the way to go -- maybe something with down, along the lines of "she threw her flowers down". Of course that's not the right meter or anything, but you get the idea. The imagery in that action sends a very strong message where calling the narrator clown is a little lesser. It's your choice if you want to go this way, but I just wanted to say that it's something I was thinking about.

Overall, this is a neat poem. I think that maybe you could use a comma or two throughout, and maybe work a little more on individual phrases, you did a good job. I really admire the villanelle style, and I'm glad you were able to pull it off so well! It takes a lot of planning.

Good luck with future writing!

-Q




Radrook says...


Thanks for the excellent review. What I like about the your review is that it is specific and offers suggestions and provides compelling reasons for the advice. Will give all your suggestions serious consideration.



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Thu May 31, 2018 11:09 pm
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AkeliaTaske wrote a review...



Hello there! Akelia here for a review!

This poem was short, but really packed a powerful punch to reality. I won't say too much here and wait till a bit, but this poem was quite impressive. Good job! I do reviews a little differently than most, I divide them into two parts, the first being Sours, which are the things that could be done better, and the Sweets, which are things you did well. Let's get into it.

Sweets: The reason I said that it packs a powerful punch to reality is that throughout the poem the person from who we see the point of view is in absolute awe of this person, for the reason of her looks. They think that she is wonderful and amazing because of how she's dressed, but in the end it is revealed that she was really a dirty person underneath and is horrible to them. You did an amazing job with bringing in the blow on this! Also, I liked how you consistently brought up the title in the work, always referring to it.

Sours: The rhyming in the lines were a bit off and sometimes changing in stanzas, not really being consistent. I was expecting for the "She seemed divine dressed in her wedding gown" at the very last line in the last stanza because every two stanzas before that was that saying, so I was caught a bit off guard and confused until I saw it. Also the last stanza is composed of 4 lines while all the rest are made up of three. I liked the four lined stanza, I suggest you either make it three or make the others four, for the sake of consistency.


Well done! Good job with the symbolism. Remember, never stop writing!


-Akelia




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review. Much appreciate the time taken.

Please note that this being a villanelle I was forced to organize the poem in that way.
blog/Radrook/the_villanelle_b-65080.html



AkeliaTaske says...


No problem! Nice post by the way.



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Wed May 30, 2018 1:53 pm
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Wordzyy wrote a review...



As always there it is, an awesome work of yours. I exactly felt the happy words, when you started describing her in her wedding dress. I could actually picture her with all that veil and gown. She looked angelic. The joy which knew no bounds when one gets married was explicitly expressed.

In these lines:

"Dissolved were all the reasons for my frowns.

No longer was aloneness destiny.

She’d seemed divine dressed in her wedding gown."

That feel, when that one and only joins in journey of life, we tend to forget all our worries. Joy will be the only one visible to us. The idea stated on the very second line in this stanza was prudent, I can totally imagine that love.

In the next stanza, it adds up to contentment. The speaker saying the day at which they got married was so heavenly, likewise he had it imagined/dreamt of.

THE TWIST the specialty in all your works, which I admire the most:

But, that dream turning to a nightmare, in which that angelic face wearing that white gown turns into a ghost, a heartless one.It was so touching that I yelled out, maybe if she has read these words, she would have got that divine feeling too. I don't feel pathetic about the speaker at all. I pity that women who has lost this man.

Guess, who is the clown now? LOL.

Awesome work! You killed it. The words were intense, so was the feeling.

Thanks for sharing this poem.




Radrook says...


Thank you for the encouraging words. Very much appreciated. Funny how the world that one imagined can suddenly turn upside down that way isn't it?



Wordzyy says...


Yeah, I totally agree. It's barely acceptable. But, I also believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe, this time the world will be peaceful and hope to see a different view.



Radrook says...


Certainly, there is always a reason for the things that occur.




The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris