Published January 15, 2009
I remember those days
When we were together.
We held our hands and we promised-
We will always be together,
We will never let go,
We will always keep on smiling,
We will never give up.
But now
Why did you give up?
Why did you become silent?
Why have you become so cold?
Why have you stopped smiling?
Why did you shut your eyes?
As I lie on my bed,
I shut my eyes
And see your face,
Your standing under the willow tree,
Where we first met.
I call out your name.
You turn around
And without saying a word
You smile at me.
I run towards you
And embrace you tightly.
I want to say I love you
But the words just wont come out.
You smile and kiss me on the lips
And then say good bye
And vanish in front of my eyes.
I suddenly open my eyes
And realize that it was just a dream.
It's been years since you drowned
In that deep frozen sea.
Although your just a dream now,
You're real enough for me.
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Welcome to YWS.
Do you mean that it's enough for you to have something that doesn't exist?
Interesting.
It looks like you have a lot of passion-- that's great for writing! I have a couple suggestions that might help with this, or in your future works.
First, it's a little long. Often, the best, most powerful poems are pretty short-- short enough to memorize. I definitely recommend condensing this poem as much as you can. There are a lot of lines that pretty much say the same things as each other. Without those, I think it would be even better.
When you ask a question, even in a poem, it needs to have a question mark at the end. (So say, "Why did you give up?" etc.)
I think if you took out the part about it being just a dream it would be stronger at the end. Just skip straight to, "It's been ten years..."
I also recommend reading a book of poems. It can help you so much with your own work, to read professionals. It's great that you posted this. Keep writing!
*sniff*
that was the most sad, true, and real poem I have ever read from a 13 year old boy.
First of all, welcome to YWS! You will have much joy and sadness here!
Second, the review!
On the second and third stanza you repeat "shut" with eyes twice, which in my opinion, when read out loud, will absolutely sound weird. I agree with what the others said.
The end rocked (LOL). Truly a great end.
Keep on writing!
Awww *cries uncontrollably* that was probably the saddest poem I've ever read on YWS. *wipes tears away* That was truly beautiful.
Anyway, back to reviewing.
"wanted" is in the wrong tense. I believe the rest of that stanza was in present tense.
That was the only mistake I caught. You really captured my attention from the beginning and put me on edge until the end. This should really be entered in a contest somewhere... Well, welcome to YWS! Your poetry is amazing and I'll be looking for any more you write.
I thought this was a very good poem. It had depth and meaning among the words.
I'm not sure if I can find anything wrong with it, though I'm probably not the best critic in the world.
What I really liked about the poem was that I could visualize the scenes of the poem and I love it when the authors do that. It make everything seem ten times more real.
You also kept me on the edge of my seat and I loved that. At first I thought it was about them breaking up, but then it hit me that he had died.
Overall this was a very sweet poem and I'd love to hear more of your work later on.
-Chenka