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12+

Phases of a girls life

by RadhikaD


                  Phases of a girl's life           

LIfe is full of joy,

But I don't know why everyone thinks that girl is a toy,

In the first phase of her life,

She has to suffer for the fear of her survival,

Everyone treats her as rival,

But somehow her parents protected her life

and save her from taking an horrorful dive, (Refering to a custom of rural areas in which whenever a girl child was born she was killed. Villagers collect near sea shore and drown her there )

But if she would be inside the water ,

Then her legs started requesting to protect her

Because she was unable to speak

and also to give a preach,

This shows people have mentality as sick ,

But why nobody give these rituals a kick .

Her second phase started with going to school,

But it was for two days how cruel !!!!!!!

Parents think going to school is wastage of time,

But nobody tells them that preventing her from going to school is a crime,

Putting her behind bars of four walls ,

And taking away her several dolls,

Telling her to be a labour ,

And saying their so called statement that they are in her favour ,

By giving her freedom of eating,

Don't you think it's a cheating,

You are not allowing her free to move ,

But giving her a groom ,

She accepted her life as a worker ,

You are thinking that she is a rubber,

You can stretch her in any way ,

And you are satisfied hurray!!!!!

But rubber also has a limit to streach,

Otherwise it will give you a streach ,

Some an how she finished this phase

And started finding new way

to live her life.

Her third phase started with a hope,

to open up these rope,

But suddenly a new terror arises ,

it was security crises ,

Her hope become going down,

But she wears a cruel crown,

To protect her from this hell

As she came out of her shell,

She started raising her voice

And cried out with a sharp noise,

That don't try to depress me

And went out from her home to become a powerful she ,

Now girls are self dependent

And able to be dominant ,

But she believes in equality

And to be protected from this cruelity.

Now what the next phase,

But now she is brave ,

And can save her from going to grave,

She can make her own way

And built a new ray,

From the world suffering from crime

ButI am proud that now women's security is prime .


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User avatar
57 Reviews


Points: 1435
Reviews: 57

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Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:34 am
Saruka says...



my gosh, I love this!! I'm commenting here now so I can remind myself to do a review later,




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364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:21 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello RadhikaD! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
{Life} is full of joy,

But I don't know why everyone thinks that girl is a toy, {Rephrase this so it isn't so long}

In the first phase of her life,

She has to suffer for the fear of her survival{ -- }

Everyone treats her as {a} rival,

But somehow her parents protected her life{.}

and save her from taking an horrorful dive, (Refering to a custom of rural areas in which whenever a girl child was born she was killed. Villagers collect near sea shore and drown her there ) {Put this in an author's note at the bottom}

But if she would be inside the water,

Then her legs started requesting to protect her

Because she was unable to speak

and also to give a preach, {this doesn't rhyme with "speak"}

This shows people have mentality as sick,

But why nobody give these rituals a kick.


Her second phase started with going to school,

But it was for two days how cruel{!}

Parents think going to school is wastage of time,

But nobody tells them that preventing her from going to school is a crime, {rephrase this so it's not so long}

Putting her behind bars of four walls,

And taking away her several dolls, {not all girls have dolls m8}

Telling her to be a labour, {my mind immediately went to the gutter -_-}

And saying{ that} their so called statement that they are in her favour, {British English, are we now?}

By giving her freedom of eating,

Don't you think it's a cheating,


You are not allowing her free to move ,

But giving her a {gloom}, {"gloom" and "move" do not rhyme}

She accepted her life as a worker,

You are thinking that she is a rubber, {"worker" and "rubber" don't rhyme}

You can stretch her in any way,

And you are satisfied hurray{!}

But rubber also has a limit to {stretch},

Otherwise it will give you a {stretch}, {Never rhyme with the same two words}

Some {as} how she finished this phase{,}

And started finding new way {"phase" and "way" don't rhyme}

to live her life.

Her third phase started with a hope,

to open up these rope, {what???}

But suddenly a new terror arises

it was {a} security crises,

Her hope become going down,

But she wears a cruel crown, {what}

To protect her from this hell{,} {In English "hell" is considered a swear. Change the warning to 16+ for swearing}

As she came out of her shell,

She started raising her voice{,}

And cried out with a sharp noise,

That{: "Don't} try to depress me{,}

And went out from her home to become a powerful she,

Now girls are self{-}dependent

And able to be dominant, {GUTTER MIND AGAIN AHHHH but seriously have you met me}

But she believes in equality

And to be protected from this {cruelty].

Now what {is} the next phase{?}

But now she is brave,

And can save her from going to grave,

She can make her own way

And built a new ray, [I]{what?}[/b]

From the world suffering from crime

But I am proud that now women's security is prime . [I]{what?}[/b]


My interpretation:



this is about feminism. love love love. posting this on the feminism club :D

Overall:



I did like it, but your grammar is atrocious. then again, English is not your first language, sooo... if you ever need help with English, come to me :D I'm really good at that kind of stuff.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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RadhikaD says...


Well thank u for such a valuable advice... I will definitely work on my grammar ...as I already mentioned I am busy right now because of my studies and one more thing I will be very thankful if you will mention the required correction(grammar)



User avatar
130 Reviews


Points: 467
Reviews: 130

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Tue Jan 09, 2018 5:47 am
AutoPilot wrote a review...



Buenas dias/tardes my friend,

You have a very interesting piece here. Your concept is good, and I like the idea you're trying to convey. However; your grammar is quite lacking. I cannot tell if English is not your first language, or if you just wrote stream of thought without editing. To point out every error would mean practically rewriting your poem, so I'm just going to point out a few and use bold print to highlight the necessary edits.

But I don't know why everyone thinks that girl is a toy,
In the first phase of her life,


Parents think going to school is a waste of time,


somehow she finished this phase

And started finding a new way


These are just a few examples among many.

The next thing I will I address is your seemingly random usage of bold lettering. You seem to have used them without purpose, they do not add to the work, they merely confuse the readers. Were I you, I'd do away with the bold print entirely as it is takes away from your meaning.

While I like where you're going with this work, I think you have a long editing process ahead of you before it's done.

Keep working hard,
Autopilot




RadhikaD says...


Thank u so much for mentioning required corrections ....actually English is not my first language and also I was quite busy because of my exams (I am a medical aspirant ) and I wrote this poem when I was 15 ...Thanking you once again for your efforts




Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare