I walked out into the dim light provided by a nearby street lamp, trying to stick to the shadows as much as possible. As I walked I tucked my long, dark hair into a baseball cap that shadowed my face, and wrapped an oversized man’s coat around my body. I kept my eyes down as I weaved through the all too familiar streets, stopping for a second or so to size up the nearby houses. I paused to look up at a house I had frequently visited, before skimming round its walls as not to be seen. I swiftly hoped over the small fence blocking me off from the oversized mansion I planned to visit.
I kneeled down for a moment to check I had my knife secured safely in my boot, It was there. I let out a ragged sigh as I stood, and carried on my journey around the exterior of the house. I reached the back door in about twenty steps, grabbing the bin from its position before walking back the way I came. As I had previously calculated it would take me about ten steps to reach my destination.
I shoved the bin against the wall before shakily climbing up onto lid, extending my arms to aid my balance. On my tiptoes, I managed to locate the tiny bathroom window. I swung my backpack off my shoulders to retrieve my necessary tools and began to work. I gently eased the window off its hinges, and lowered it to the ground as carefully as I could. Grabbing the windowsill with my fingers, I pulled myself up onto the ledge, sliding through the gap. After my feet hit the toilet seat, I pranced lightly off and landed silently on the tile floor.
I looked up to see a plush bathroom, sparkling silver and blue bounced off every angle. I shook my head, life was so much different at home. I began my task, sneaking through every room in the house until I reached the kitchen. I cringed as the fridge door creaked slightly under the pressure, letting out a sigh of relief when I realized no one had stirred. I looked up at the ceiling thankfully, imagining the family sleeping in their warm, cosy beds- so unlike the ones I am used to.
I scanned the fridge, emptying the contents into my duffel bag, causing it to triple in size. I hauled the bag out of the kitchen, checking that I left the room as it was when I arrived. After shoving the food through the tiny window I followed, mentally thanking the family and my tiny frame. Getting away was much harder than arriving, the bag of food was heavy, causing the rope handle to cut into the skin of my shoulder- creating additions to the scars already littering my skin.
I had done a good, clean job today; even that doesn't make me happier. I have to do this, if I didn’t my family would die. I’m doing this for them: my little brother and sister. Without this they would die, without me they would die. This is why I have to steal, only bits of food- not enough to make any significant alterations to these family’s lives. Even so, every night I do this, I leave with a sick feeling in my gut. I remove my cap, shaking out my long hair as I did so. Others like me say I should shave it off, but I disagree. I need at least one pleasure in my life.
I return to my house. You can’t really call it a house. A glorified shack would probably be the most fitting. It is located in the bad side of town (vermin like me would never make it into the nice side)
unstable balanced against the side of an old library. It used to be a library at least. Years ago there were many riots; rebellions against the government, all caused by reasons I am not fully sure of. Some say the poor were being mistreated and ignored- this is the argument I believe in the most. I have never really been taught this, but when living on the streets and sneaking through the alleys you hear things like that. But anyway, they were all useless. The rebellions caused the leaders to cut the city in two, leaving the poor to the dark, dingy streets when the rich have mansions in paradise. Access can be achieved by scaling a tall barbed wire fence, but most people like me know where there is a hole: a chink in the fence which, if you are small like me, is not hard to squeeze through.
Thats what I do whenever we need to, whenever we need food. It has to be pretty serious though, getting caught on the wrong side is punishable by death- or hard labour for life if they think you're worth anything.
“Hey Ali,” My little sister Flo chimed, as I walked into the cramped room all three of us share, dumping my massive bag in the corner.
“It’s Alex, remember, Alex.”
“Why? With mum you were always were called Ali-” She protested.
“Well mums not here anymore.” I snapped back, a little too harshly. I saw her pale features sag as her chin began to wobble. In response I sat on the straw mattress she shared with her twin, Ben, and stroked her hair.
“Shh, it’s okay, I’m sorry I didn't mean to snap.” I cooed, mumbling “It just makes life easier to appear a boy, no one takes girls seriously anymore,” so it was out of earshot- kids don’t have to live with the whole truth.
“So, what did you do today,” I changed the subject quickly.
“Mmm, not a lot, we had to stay in here so we played noughts and crosses in the sand for a while. Guess what? I won!” Ben announced with a large grin, splitting his chapped lips in places.
“Well done, just remember to always stay inside if I am not there, okay?”
“Okay,” They chorused, not completely content with their instructions.
“Dinner?” I began to start a small fire just outside our house to cook with, using some of the last matches we had. I cursed internally, if only I was older, I could get a job, we could live so much better...
It was okay with Mum. There was still some money left over from when Dad was here- from before that bastard left us, left a mother with three kids to care for- but the last of his money was used up with the medicines, in hope that we could save her. It was useless, nothing would work, she was taken from us a year or so back. Days seem to blur when you live like we do.
After a little porridge and some fruit I had gotten today, I put Flo and Ben into bed, tucking them into a thin blanket and kissing them both in turn on their foreheads. After they both we fast asleep I creeped out of the house and round the back of the library, crawling through a tunnel that went directly into the library. I stood up and dusted myself off, breathing in the comforting smell of old pages. Scattered around the room were hundreds of books, some on stands, some tipped over by the riots those years ago. Cobwebs laced around the room, joining the thick layer of dust that seemed to rest on anything and everything.
I walked over to a shelf and took out the only book without dust coating it, and began to read from the same place I had left off last night. I positioned myself by a window, hoping to get as much moonlight as possible- I can’t waste a candle on something like this.
I luckily could read, my mother taught me so I was pretty good at it. Hopefully when I am older I can get a job with this talent. This was one of my little pleasures, it kept me going.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey! I am SecreteJournalist here for a review, reviewing for the Green Lanterns! Happy review day to you, and welcome to YWS!
I read through this, and the easiest way for my to review this, is by paragraph.
I walked out into the dim light provided by a nearby street lamp, trying to stick to the shadows as much as possible. As I walked I tucked my long, dark hair into a baseball cap that shadowed my face, and wrapped an oversized man’s coat around my body. I kept my eyes down as I weaved through the all too familiar streets, stopping for a second or so to size up the nearby houses. I paused to look up at a house I had frequently visited, before skimming round its walls as not to be seen. I swiftly hoped over the small fence blocking me off from the oversized mansion I planned to visit.
I read this first paragraph, and new this was gonna be trouble. A repetitive paragraph this is! I do this too, and it truly is my enemy, but you repeated the word "I" a lot. Every sentence has the word I.. a lot of readers dread that. The concept of the story is interesting though. Oversized mansion?
I kneeled down for a moment to check I had my knife secured safely in my boot, It was there. I let out a ragged sigh as I stood, and carried on my journey around the exterior of the house. I reached the back door in about twenty steps, grabbing the bin from its position before walking back the way I came. As I had previously calculated it would take me about ten steps to reach my destination.
I is repetitive! I don't think "It" in the first sentence should be capitalized.. just a heads up. I feel like the character has done this a lot, I love the story concept.
I shoved the bin against the wall before shakily climbing up onto lid, extending my arms to aid my balance. On my tiptoes, I managed to locate the tiny bathroom window. I swung my backpack off my shoulders to retrieve my necessary tools and began to work. I gently eased the window off its hinges, and lowered it to the ground as carefully as I could. Grabbing the windowsill with my fingers, I pulled myself up onto the ledge, sliding through the gap. After my feet hit the toilet seat, I pranced lightly off and landed silently on the tile floor.
I... try and use replacement words. This will be the last time I nitpick it, but realize its in like.. every paragraph. But the story concept it nice!
I looked up to see a plush bathroom, sparkling silver and blue bounced off every angle. I shook my head, life was so much different at home. I began my task, sneaking through every room in the house until I reached the kitchen. I cringed as the fridge door creaked slightly under the pressure, letting out a sigh of relief when I realized no one had stirred. I looked up at the ceiling thankfully, imagining the family sleeping in their warm, cosy beds- so unlike the ones I am used to.
Interesting concept.. is this girl homeless? Lol, but anyway, great! (I.. too many!)
I scanned the fridge, emptying the contents into my duffel bag, causing it to triple in size. I hauled the bag out of the kitchen, checking that I left the room as it was when I arrived. After shoving the food through the tiny window I followed, mentally thanking the family and my tiny frame. Getting away was much harder than arriving, the bag of food was heavy, causing the rope handle to cut into the skin of my shoulder- creating additions to the scars already littering my skin.
Only 3 "I" in this sentence, I am proud! But okay, I am sorry, I know I wasn't supposed to mention it again! Robbing the family would be scary, but you do what you have to.
I had done a good, clean job today; even that doesn't make me happier. I have to do this, if I didn’t my family would die. I’m doing this for them: my little brother and sister. Without this they would die, without me they would die. This is why I have to steal, only bits of food- not enough to make any significant alterations to these family’s lives. Even so, every night I do this, I leave with a sick feeling in my gut. I remove my cap, shaking out my long hair as I did so. Others like me say I should shave it off, but I disagree. I need at least one pleasure in my life.
Great concept, I have long hair, so I understand the characters pleasure.
I return to my house. You can’t really call it a house. A glorified shack would probably be the most fitting. It is located in the bad side of town (vermin like me would never make it into the nice side)
unstable balanced against the side of an old library. It used to be a library at least. Years ago there were many riots; rebellions against the government, all caused by reasons I am not fully sure of. Some say the poor were being mistreated and ignored- this is the argument I believe in the most. I have never really been taught this, but when living on the streets and sneaking through the alleys you hear things like that. But anyway, they were all useless. The rebellions caused the leaders to cut the city in two, leaving the poor to the dark, dingy streets when the rich have mansions in paradise. Access can be achieved by scaling a tall barbed wire fence, but most people like me know where there is a hole: a chink in the fence which, if you are small like me, is not hard to squeeze through.
I am guessing you accidently spaced that out? The two paragraphs ahead of me are one.. right? But either than that, good.
Thats what I do whenever we need to, whenever we need food. It has to be pretty serious though, getting caught on the wrong side is punishable by death- or hard labour for life if they think you're worth anything.
Yikes.. scary! But good so far.
“Hey Ali,” My little sister Flo chimed, as I walked into the cramped room all three of us share, dumping my massive bag in the corner.
Great... great.
“It’s Alex, remember, Alex.”
I wish you could of put how her tone of voice was.
“Why? With mum you were always were called Ali-” She protested.
Yikes.. this story is gonna turn into a cliff hanger I am guessing!
“Well mums not here anymore.” I snapped back, a little too harshly. I saw her pale features sag as her chin began to wobble. In response I sat on the straw mattress she shared with her twin, Ben, and stroked her hair.
Great.. great, good concept.
“Shh, it’s okay, I’m sorry I didn't mean to snap.” I cooed, mumbling “It just makes life easier to appear a boy, no one takes girls seriously anymore,” so it was out of earshot- kids don’t have to live with the whole truth.
True that!
“So, what did you do today,” I changed the subject quickly.
I think you meant to say "I try and change the subject quickly"
“Mmm, not a lot, we had to stay in here so we played noughts and crosses in the sand for a while. Guess what? I won!” Ben announced with a large grin, splitting his chapped lips in places.
Cute characters! I don't think I have asked, but explain what the hut is made of, I feel like I need more detail.
“Well done, just remember to always stay inside if I am not there, okay?”
Older sibling is definitely my favorite character.
“Okay,” They chorused, not completely content with their instructions.
What do the twins look like?
“Dinner?” I began to start a small fire just outside our house to cook with, using some of the last matches we had. I cursed internally, if only I was older, I could get a job, we could live so much better...
Great job so far..
It was okay with Mum. There was still some money left over from when Dad was here- from before that bastard left us, left a mother with three kids to care for- but the last of his money was used up with the medicines, in hope that we could save her. It was useless, nothing would work, she was taken from us a year or so back. Days seem to blur when you live like we do.
That's so sad! Great story though.
After a little porridge and some fruit I had gotten today, I put Flo and Ben into bed, tucking them into a thin blanket and kissing them both in turn on their foreheads. After they both we fast asleep I creeped out of the house and round the back of the library, crawling through a tunnel that went directly into the library. I stood up and dusted myself off, breathing in the comforting smell of old pages. Scattered around the room were hundreds of books, some on stands, some tipped over by the riots those years ago. Cobwebs laced around the room, joining the thick layer of dust that seemed to rest on anything and everything.
I feel like I need more detail in this story.
I walked over to a shelf and took out the only book without dust coating it, and began to read from the same place I had left off last night. I positioned myself by a window, hoping to get as much moonlight as possible- I can’t waste a candle on something like this.
Interesting..
I luckily could read, my mother taught me so I was pretty good at it. Hopefully when I am older I can get a job with this talent. This was one of my little pleasures, it kept me going.
I find that this ended too fast, but that's a good thing, it means I want to read more!
I hope you liked my impressions of every paragraph, some find it really helpful. Great job.. keep writing! With a little fixing up, this will be perfect!
~Sincerely
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hi RachellehcaR Auxii here to review your work today! I must first apologise for any spelling mistakes that arise in this review. I'm on my iPod.
Try not to use contractions, around being a contraction of around.I quite liked this piece, but it could so with a little editing to make it better.
There was a small typo of hopped.
You seem to have a small problem with tenses.
both of these are in present tense, when, to keep in continuation with the rest of the story, they should be in past tense.
There is also a tense switch from past to present that starts at the fifth paragraph and ends hen she starts talking to her siblings.
Family's should be families' as you are talking about the lives of multiple families.
Brackets should preferably not be used in fiction, especially since the sentence flows perfectly fine, better even, without them.
When you are talking about their shack being balanced against the library, I personally would have put: It leant precariously against an old library. As it has more effect.
Mum should have a capital letter, seeing as she is their mum, and Mum's should have an apostrophe for the contraction.
Overall, I quite liked this, but keep an eye on your tenses.
Hope I helped and keep writing!
Auxii^^
Welcome to YWS!
I absolutely positively loved this! I loved the idea the way you wrote it and everything! There were no mistakes for me to find which is great!
I sure hope there's a sequel to this.
The flow of this was great. It wasn't choppy and there were no weird extra parts in here. I just want to ask why it says romantic? I didn't really see anything. But maybe that was just a little mistake.
I liked the ending of this. I loved how you said that it was a little pleasure that kept her going.
All in all great job!
Happy Writing,
Cgirl
Thank you so much for your kind comments!
I wanted to move Oppressed on into romantic as the story progresses, so that is why it is listed as romantic.
You seem so nice, I will be sure to check out your stories in the future!
Many thanks,
Rachellehcar