Published September 12, 2011
Lips parting as a gasp escaped his mouth, his body crumpled with pain while the sword struck his arm. The smell of blood and burnt flesh stung his nostrils as the golden metal pulled from his skin. Teeth crushing against one another as another blow hit him in the side.
His eyes squinted from the velocity of the light that blared toward him. This was surely hell. Nothing could be that painful and be called bliss. Hours, maybe days ago he’d been in what he thought was heaven, had there been a mistake? Casted into hell for the rest of his eternal afterlife?
Azrael sat up running his hand through his hair. The light that stung his eyes had receded and was just a soft glow now, as if it had been covered by a door. Casting a shadow upon his in environment, Azreal noticed his arm dripping with blood. The sting vanished from his mind as the realization that maybe he was human once again hit him.
That thought shook Azrael to the core. They reduced him of his wings, stripped him of his knowing, and forced him into a fleshy container once again: Azrael froze. It would be his hell, he realized. Being forced to live in a fleshy container after tasting paradise, Azreal would have no choice but to do as commanded. How could they just cast him out like one of the damned?
A voice brought him back from his mind. Conversing beyond his sight, they said nothing of importance. They wouldn’t have thrown him out of his heaven because of a stupid fight…Would they? Surely, they’d let him redeem himself or something. Azrael’s mind churned as light vanished.
Here he was in utter darkness. Here he could go mad. He would go mad. Eyelids collapsing Azreal saw black as his mind wondered. Thinking of the sun, the warmth that once danced across his perfect body, Azreal felt the void in his chest. He moaned. That feeling and longing for love, warmth, and belonging was gone here. He knew he was in waiting once again, which pushed him down a level.
Here in purgatory, his mind would be lost to those empty prayers everyone sends up. Azrael looked around the blackness only to see bleak, indistinctness shadows and nothing but a hopeless cause. The deafness that enveloped the room or realm in which he sat waiting his judgment, over took even Azreal sanity.
He stared out and tried to feel his wings, thankfully he felt them unfold behind him. Silky black feathers brushed the pads of his fingers as his hand ran over the edge of his wings. If he had his wings, where was he? He’d fallen only to realize his fall threw him into something that was worse than hell he thought.
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139,527 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Velocity doesn't really fit here. Velocity means speed,not strength as you try to use it here. Also, it is a very scientific term. I suggest intensity.
I'll just rewrite this with the added punctuation:Hours-maybe days-ago he'd been in what he'd thought was heaven; had it all been a mistake?
You have such wonderful opportunities to use advanced punctuation here that will really help the flow of your writing=)
from here on you really lose your wording and therfor lose your audience. Also, why would Azreal sit up and run his hand through his hair after he'd been stabbed with a sword?
Okay, overall, i can't wait to see the next chapter, and i know your sentence structure and flow can't really be perfect without an editor but... I suggest that you should just read what you wright out loud. When you do, you'll notice any mistakes and fix them then=) Great work!
Great work!
Hello, RKnight!
I'm impressed by your description style... so fascinating, in a way that it makes the reader focus on your story. The first chapter is neither too short, or too long. A little dialogue would've been great, but it's alright for the first chapter, it seemed more like a prologue.
You created suspense here (someting that few writers can), I am curious where your story will go further. I'm assuming it will have some fantasy elements, too.
Anyway, well-done!
Julie
Aww, Thank ya'll for commenting/reviewing.
I do plan on adding a little more when ever I get the time... So I hope ya'll will read that too!
Wow! I really like it! I hope you can countinue on writing. He seems like a good-developed character!
My heart pounded when I read this. The skeleton of the work was too familiar. Why it sounded so familiar? If you outlined this particular chapter, it would be strangely identical to one of my and my friend's work. We stopped our work a year ago because both of us was freaked out with it. Funny, eh? LOL But of course, I'm not labeling you of stealing, it's just weird to read something so identical to something I once thought was so original of ours.
Anyway, moving on. This was nicely written. The only nagging I have to do here is it was so short, I felt like it's a prologue! But it's intriguing. I like the cut. You left it hanging. I want to know more. I want to know more, well, 'cause to see if it would really end up like my friend's idea. XD
This is not a review. This is just a weird piece of comment.
Have a blessed day!
Jash B.
Oh my god this is so cool. I have only read one book like this the main character being Gabriel. This was a really good pice of work and I will love to read more.
Telling the truth and being positive ~dmari
Oh my god this is so cool. I have only read one book like this the main character being Gabriel. This was a really good pice of work and I will love to read more.
Telling the truth and being positive ~dmari