Published May 25, 2009
Here's something I wrote while I was bored one day. Lemme know what you think. **Updated: 11/10/09**
I was sitting on the windowsill, watching the rain fall outside. To me, it seemed like God himself was crying. Mom was due home from the hospital soon with my new, baby brother. This wasn’t a meeting I was looking forward to. For three years, I was the center of my parent’s attention – now, it seemed like they’ve all but forgotten me. Mom was always lying down up in her room and Dad was always fussing over mom and the new baby.
As I looked out into the darkness, I saw two headlights appear. They were home. I hopped off the windowsill and went to open the door for Mom. Maybe then she’d pay more attention to me. When Dad helped her from the car and they both ran towards the house, Mom carrying a bundle of blankets that I assumed was my brother.
They said a quick thanks to me and went into the living room. They both sat on the couch and looked over the little bundle. The neighbor that was babysitting my left quietly, letting my parents fawn over their new baby. Dad was grinning stupidly, as if nothing else mattered. I instantly hated the baby for that – Dad had never looked at me that way.
I was standing in the door way watching when Dad looked up and spotted me. “Joseph, come over here and say hi to you little brother,” Dad instructed.
Grudgingly, I walked over to them and sat next to Dad on the couch. He passed the little bundle over to me and made sure I wouldn’t drop him. When I looked down, my heart melted and I could feel the hatred wash away. Look up from the blanket was the cutest little boy I had ever seen. He had giant blue eyes that looked up at me, pleading me to love him.
I smiled at him and the little guy smiled back. He wriggled his arm free from the blankets and reached out for me. When I grasped his tiny hand, I knew then that I would do anything to protect this little bundle of joy.
“Hi, Jonathan, I’m Joseph, your big brother,” I told him.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is an interesting one. Definitely a situation that as a reader you do instantly recognize. It seems like we've got the start of a bit of sibling jealousy brewing up here. Well, at any rate, its doing enough here to get us intrigued about where this person here ends up taking. It definitely seems like there's a bit of a trend towards some form of climax about to happen here.
You're doing a pretty solid job capturing the kind of jealousy that tends to erupt at this particular sort of age there and the little bits of drama seeping in there even as this person does seem to following what their parents are saying is a lovely extra touch as well. I can't wait to see how this interaction ends up going here.
Ahh I love this as the ending. Its pretty much exactly what tends to happen all the time and its just a very cute ending to put on there. I think you've captured the range of emotions that fly through here pretty well, and of course I adore the ending, so overall, a pretty good little piece here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I thought the title was misleading. It was a great title, by the way, so congrats on that. But when I clicked on it, I expected something more...... melancholic. Oh well.
Usually people who are carrying babies don't run. So you might want to change that.
Once again, great title.
NITPICK!
Perhaps 'looking'?
Why do we have a comma here?
I'm on the fence. I thought this was very cute, as I have a little sister and it's exactly the same with us [I mean, exactly... we're five years apart and everything], but it was short, kind of boring, and a tiny bit pointless.
Also, I have questions.
You talk about headlights showing up and 'they were home'. OMIGOSH. Do you mean to tell me they left their five year old son home alone?
0.o
Also, you make it sound as if you're trying to get their attention because you're no longer the center of it. Sweetie, if you baby brother is just coming home from the hospital, you wouldn't know that you're not the center of attention yet. You find that out when you're at home and you want to do a puzzle with someone but everyone's busy babying the... well... baby. xP
I know you said you were bored when you wrote it, but it's just... well... empty. Prologue to something?
Nicely written, though. =}
I disagree with Wooster.
That was a great story, and reminds me of my two little brothers.
I enjoyed reading this, thanks.
Iosville.
As stories go, this was really, really short and -- I have to say it, though it pains me none -- rather pointless. No point, dull, no rub, crux nor thumbnnail.
And stories do kind of have to have a point, like, essentially. I'm thinking this would work better if it was in answer to a weird word prompt, or as fanfiction, or something else, as it doesn't stand up on its own very well.
It was written well, and the only thing I'd change would be David's reaction to the baby. Maybe make it more grudging, but definitely less "omigawshsocuteicklebaby". It seems rather girly, sa?