Young Writers Society

Hi @QuoolQuo! I'm here for a review! Interesting story you have here! Can't seem to remember anyone else having such a unique idea!

Anyways, let's get started, shall we?

Rosaline entered unafraid

Issue: This is a run-on. The "Unafraid" here is unnatural.

Fix: You can fix this either placing a comma after "entered"; moving "unafraid" to the front and placing a comma after it; or just completely changing the structure of this sentence.

Unlike the night, the mausoleum was glazed in gold, the flaming light of a hundred candles playing across the ancient stone tombs.

I love this descriptive sentence! It's also an extremely sneaky, excellent way of insinuating the fact that it is nighttime-- and you're describing the mausoleum, too! Perfect combo!

In the centre of this silent palace of the dead lay two bodies, veiled in a silk like woven ice.

Issue: Improper tense agreement. You've started off with past tense, and now have present tense (lay). Then, you go back to past tense (veiled).

Fix: You could change "lay" to "layed".

Scarlet chrysanthemums, orchids like snow and roses; woven into their hair and pressed into their hands, they were encircled by thousands upon thousands of roses; each bouquet given as a gift of grief.

This is some seriously awesome descriptive work. It's not just the use of big names like "chrysanthemums", but also the word choice of the descriptive verbs like "woven" and "encircled" that were used to describe the vegetation. Nice touch!

She stretched a hand out until her palm almost brushed the girl’s cheek, soft as velvet.

Issue: The action does not match the description. It shows here that the Point of View "almost" touched the girl's cheek, but then it says that the cheek is soft as velvet. If the Point of View already knew that it was as soft as velvet, then you should have mentioned that. If the Point of view was describing how she looked, I would preferably use a different word other than "soft".

Fix: I would probably make it to where the Point of View touches the girl's cheek, because that gets rid of all of these problems.


There isn't anything else I'd like to point out in this wonderful story! It's extremely short, but very concise and neat. This seems to have a really bitter backbone throughout the entire story, and ends with a climax of bitterness. Basically, it's really bitter. I love the imagery and wording! The sentence structure is excellent, and the bitterness that is exhibited is like no other work of writing that I've ever seen.

This is certainly one of the most talented works of writing that I've ever laid my eyes upon, and I profusely thank you for writing something so beautiful.

I hope you were satisfied with this review!

Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks

-y0shi

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: That was a pretty short and sweet little story there. Its a pretty good take on this story and some really interesting thoughts about it are mentioned in here. The descriptions throughout were also really good.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Rosaline entered unafraid. Unlike the night, the mausoleum was glazed in gold, the flaming light of a hundred candles playing across the ancient stone tombs.

Well it appears we are setting for the mood for things right away. I like that. Gets your attention too when you mention tombs and fear right at the start of something. Good opening pargraph.

In the centre of this silent palace of the dead lay two bodies, veiled in a silk like woven ice. Trails of petals ran across the floor, all leading to the pair framed by further flowers. Scarlet chrysanthemums, orchids like snow and roses; woven into their hair and pressed into their hands, they were encircled by thousands upon thousands of roses; each bouquet given as a gift of grief.

That's a lovely description that you have there. Very easy to imagine that and its quite touching too.

The families had taken their time to weep, and at dawn, the couple would be laid to rest together in their final bed. A day before, Rosaline would have thought it impossible for such a thing to happen, but now in the wake of the tragedy, all agreed that it was the only thing to do. They would be closer in death than they ever had in life.

Oh dear, we're getting right into the emotions on this one aren't we. I'm not too familiar about the story of Romeo and Juliet but I know enough to understand what's happening and I think you're capturing the emotions really well here.

How sad it was, she thought. The boy had relished barely a year of manhood, and the girl was on the cusp of 14; both were much younger than herself. Still, now they were forever frozen in their beauty.

Its certainly quite sad.

Rosaline stared at the girl’s face, how peaceful it was. Her hair darker than night, her skin like moonlight. She stretched a hand out until her palm almost brushed the girl’s cheek, soft as velvet. She was beautiful. Of course, Romeo had been swept in by her grace.

That's another beautiful description there.

But what did she know? Her heart and never been one to stir under another’s soft gaze. She saw nothing in men, and she knew she never would. But perhaps the world had made her like this, this world where marriages were formed for wealth instead of people.

It definitely was quite a sad world in that story, although I suppose this applies more to reality than anyone would like too.

Her hand drifted to run over the girl’s hair, a shadow beneath the veil of ice. Maybe if Romeo had lived for more years, he would have found that his passion was brief, a burst of flame soon to falter. And the girl? What would her feelings have mattered if she came to find they were not true. She had signed herself away in a storm of fire, a contract near impossible to escape.

At that age, well that does seem likely but oh well, in the time of that story being written it probably wasn't quite the same as it is today.

Like their beauty, so was their blaze of passion frozen in time, never to extinguish. A blaze that matched their families’ hate.

Wow, that is a really good line their.

Rosaline drew away, her gaze flicking over the crest at the lover’s feet. The elaborate letters of ‘M’ and ‘C’ interlaced into one. With a smile bitter on her lips, she turned and left the mausoleum, leaving Juliet and her Romeo.

Well that was a pretty nice ending, just leaving them be, seems fit for this story.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was quite an interesting read and I think you did a wonderful job with the descriptions that really do tap into our emotions as readers. Anyway, I think that's about all that I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Wow, what a read. I love how you wrote Rosaline's perspective on the events, it was very clever. The story was quite detailed and it was a very interesting read.

Her heart and never been one to stir under another’s soft gaze.

Here did you mean to say had instead of and? Anyways this was the only problem I could find, great work! Very unique and interesting.