Published July 17, 2008
It's raining paper like snow today,
commas and periods dropping like flies
and numbers stinging people in their eyes,
fours and fives of them falling in flakes,
while twos and threes catch in people's hair
like jagged bats, and that one
hangs off the edge of your glass, like a bad lemon.
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140,658 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
Haha! I like it! It was funny and good and....funny and more g..oo...d....yah. Though you do need to change the last line "Like a bad lemon" because normal lemons also hang of the edge of our cups when we are drinking sweet tea.....I think.
GREAT JOB!
Where did you get this idea?!?! I'm seriously feeling hopeless now.
I have to agree with Krupp, the two lines that rhyme really throw the reader out. Plus, that rhyme sounds a little forced.
I'm pretty sure you mean the number one (1), but it's hard to tell. You say "that one" as if you've already indicated a set of something which you are choosing one out of. Which, of course, you haven't. So, a bit confusing.
I think you mean one of those lemon slices they put on your glass turning to rot... maybe? Or do you mean that bad lemons actually hang off stuff? I think you need a better simile. I'm just not getting it.
It is a really sweet little poem, though.
it was almost too short for me to find anything wrong with it...
The imagery was a great way to make it appealing as well. The only thing I'd have to agree with from previous postings up above, don't do the one rhyme thing where two lines rhyme and nothing else does. It does indeed throw things off a tad bit.
Besides that this was fine. Not bad at all.
This is good, I liked it.
I had trouble how you started a rhyming rhythm going on and then you just stopped rhyming though. You had gained such a good flow and rhythm in the middle of this stanza, it seemed to fizzle out towards the end.
I liked how it was only one stanza long - short and sweet poems tend to be those that I enjoy more because so much can be said with just a few little words; just look at "I love you."
I think you should review about adding some more punctuation in there - a varied kind, not just the plain old comma and period - so that it adds emphasis to key phrases and words in your poem and makes it more enjoyable to read. Also, think about capitalizing some letters to make it seem more professional.
You picked a nice idea; it's very original and you portrayed it great. Good work.
Happy writing!
Quite clever, and quite enjoyable:) Very lighthearted.
I'm not sure what would work the best to change it to, but the way it is it doesn't really make sense.
"It's raining paper like snow today," We don't ordinarily say it's raining snow, do we?
"commas and periods dropping like flies" Good line. Speaking of commas, might I suggest dropping one at the end of this line? I think it would help the flow.
"and numbers stinging people in their eyes," Good
"fours and fives of them falling in flakes," I don't really them "falling in flakes." That doesn't seem like quite the right word, especially when in the previous line you talked about numbers stinging people's eyes.
"while twos and threes catch in people's hair
like jagged bats, " Good. I like the bats part.
"and that one
hangs off the edge of your glass, like a bad lemon." This is my favorite part of the whole poem. I love it! "And that one," double-meaning of course. I love the reference to the lemon:) Fantastic.
Good job!
*adna*
Heh, I wouldn't be able to say how I got the idea; my mind's a chasm, I swear.
I get what you guys mean about the tripping of the sound though; I never really got around to cleaning this piece up. I get the feeling that if I stopped at about the third line and ran it into something new that'd fit well with it, it'd make a good set of lyrics...
I loved it! Where on earth did you get the idea?
My only suggestion: I don't know if it was intentional or not, but from the second line onward you have slight assonance at the ends of the lines. I love assonance (we studied Spanish ballads last year and that's what they went for as opposed to full rhyme), but because lines two and three rhyme exactly, it disturbs the rhythm slightly. I think if you could find a slightly different image for the numbers then it would be great - I love the comma/flies image too much to suggest changing it!
I can't think of the right word to describe this. It's creative, imaginative... quirky! Loved it.
Lol, this is clever!! I only have a problem with a few things.
Welcome to YWS!
like a bad lemon.
I don't knoe if this was me, but i didn't quite understand this, and was wondering if there was another way to phrase 'one' at the end?
also, the first part ryhmes, yet the second part doesn't, so it confuses me a bit.
Anywho, I love the idea you used in here. It was clever and cute, good job
-Curly