~
Gray clouds hovered over barren roads
Preparing to unleash a massive load
Of thick, cold, and powdery snow
Of which wind nor heat would stem the flow.
~
By October it was well into the start of drifting down
To settle on the solid, frozen, unpaved ground
It was hard to say when the first snowflake fell
But you could see the layers on layers stack pretty well.
~
Then the wind, all the more bitter and cold
Blew the snow into heaps around the wold
So it creeped up windows and buried vans
As we were visited by the king of Sand-mans.
~
The snow, while fresh, was never trodden
Never seen by any child shodden
Only when during the night the the top layer froze
Did boots break the icy crust and shovels bulldoze.
~
When pushed away from roads were the snowy stacks
Machines formed piles that were very densely packed
And during the frigid nights they’d further freeze
And wouldn’t move for any wind, storm nor breeze.
~
Now the snow that was so heavy and thick
You’d think tunneling through wasn’t quick
And yet commonplace are burrows and chateaus
With walls and arches of solid snow.
~
Best of all are the white snow-blanketed fields
In which you can etch in the snow artistic whealeds
A picture or message in footprinted lines erose
For the pleasure of the passing air-crafts and UFOs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,030 Literary Works • 672,787 Reviews
Hey!
Imma give you a quick review, see if I can help out with anything.
Right off the bat, I'll commend you for at least trying to use fixed form. Thank God someone's trying. Thanks, just for giving formal poetry a shot.
It's definitely quite alright for a first attempt at formal poetry, and now I'll do my best to give some (hopefully) valuable advice for future works, along with some opinions on your poem:
The simple AABB rhyme scheme is good for a light poem not meant to incite any particularly deep thoughts, and you mostly stay true to it, although there are a few missteps and near-rhymes here and there. Example would be rhyming 'chateaus' with 'snow.' They rhyme if they're both in singular, but in this case, they do not.
I'm glad that you utilized rhyme. Nowadays, poets seem to ignore rhyme. It's become popular to claim that rhyme is unimportant and unneeded (and certainly, it's not always necessary and can in fact be detrimental to one's work). Despite this, I believe it's a very useful poetic device and can add to a work significantly if executed right. Remember - end-rhyme (rhymes at the ends of verses) isn't the only type of rhyme either. Experiment! It's fun!
Meter. There's one thing missing from your work that does make it a tad difficult to read, and that's meter. Meter gives your poem a distinct lyrical sound. It rolls right off the tongue. You achieve this by giving your verses the same number of syllables (or iambs, if you prefer to measure in pairs of syllables), or at least with as few deviations as possible. Poetry is, after all, different from prose in other ways than just being written in verse. It is my belief that a poem must sound at least somewhat lyrical to be differentiated from prose properly. Otherwise, it's just prose in lines. Unpopular opinion.
Try experimenting with meter a bit. No need to force it. Free verse, blank verse or other types of poetry are all perfectly valid and viable. But from personal experience, experimenting with meters is quite fun. For instance, you can try the iambic pentameter, a meter used, I believe, for Shakespearean sonnets. In fact, why not write a sonnet? Beware, however. Once you get into hardcore formal poetry, it's hard to go back. You start writing in meter, speaking in meter, and dare I say even thinking in meter.
Alright. That's all, folks. I think your work is a fine attempt. I'm no great poet myself. I'm not even decent. Form takes years to master, and poetry takes even longer. But we'll break through and prevail! So you keep that spirit burning and write what comes to your mind!
Here are some resources regarding rhyme schemes and meter. I've included my favorite form of poetry too - the Onegin stanza:
Something on rhyme scheme - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhyme_scheme
The Iambic Tetrameter - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_tetrameter
The Iambic Pentameter - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_pentameter
The Onegin Stanza - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onegin_stanza
Wikipedia actually does a fine job explaining them. That's usually not the case, but this time, I preferred it over other sources.
Thank you! I will definitely look into meter more ^-^
Radrook here for a review.
Please feel free to disregard any suggestion deemed unhelpful.
No offense intended. So my apology if any is taken.
Wow! I could feel my bones congealing as I read! The isolation and the way that the snow totally buries that unlucky place is almost tangible! Vans are totally buried. The hard frozen ground and wind adds more force to the eery atmosphere.
I like the casual way in which the scenery is described, somewhat reminiscent of Robert Frost's tongue-in-cheek style when describing New England landscapes. The following line especially reminded me of him.
"By October it was well into the start of drifting down...."
The difference is that with Robert Frost I rarely had to use a dictionary whereas here I did with such words as "ërose" "whealeds" "chateaus" which is OK as long as the words fit in with the context. The word "wold" fit in just fine as a geographical location.
I would have preferred "arose" instead of “erose" since it is readily understandable
The word Chateaus as meaning manors fits in nicely.
."whealeds" is an adjective referring to wheeled vehicles but the poem uses it as a noun. Poetic license allows it.
I also like the way that the poem remains true to the rhyme scheme of aabb.
Suggestions
....was the snowy stacks [....were....]
Word repetition:
It is generally not advisable to use the same word too closely together or too often.
The word “snow” is repeated four times and close together at the end.
Redundancy
[white snow]
The use of the pronoun "you" seems redundant since the reader knows that the writer is speaking to him via the written word.
[cold snow]
Reader knows the snow is cold and white.
The sudden introduction of UFOs seems off-topic.
The following line is ungrammatical and stops the reading flow since the reader knows that the proper way is “sandmen” and sees it as sacrificing grammar for the sake of rhyme.
"As we were visited by the king of Sand-mans."
A sandman is identified as the one who brings sleep and pleasant dreams..
I wondered how such devastation bring on pleasant dreams? Caught in the middle if it would make most people feel insecure. If the Sandman is going to be included, then a far more pleasant Pleasantly DREAMLIKE snow scene needs to be described so he can fit into it logically.
As it stands the mood is somber. Perhaps showing children enjoying the drifts as they use sleds or play king of the hill. Not burying the vans under the snow. Not having the wind unable to move the drifts would help dispel the foreboding feeling of a meteorological catastrophe. Also, as a poet, never include words simply because they rhyme. The sense of the poem if far more important.
Thanks for your review! Your points were noted.
However, when I wrote it, (which was a while ago) it wasn't intended to portray fear and destruction.
It was more of a retelling of what winters were like where I used to live-extreme by most standards, but as a result glorious and full of robust play.
The reference to the sand-man was merely to convey that the snow came while we were asleep and to make it rhyme. I was aware of this but could not think of a better substitution.
Then the mood needs to be more cheerful. As it stands the mood is somber. Perhaps showing children enjoying the drifts as they use sleds or play king of the hill. Not burying the vans under the now. Not having the wind unable to move the drifts would help dispel the foreboding feeling of a meteorological catastrophe. Also, as a poet never include words simply because the rhyme. The sense of the poem if far more important.
I'll keep that in mind for next time
This is awesome. I love the theme
Thanks!