"What were you doing?"
"I can't remember."
That was a lie. Everyone rembered what they were doing on The Thursday. Not a Thursday, but The Thursday. The day everything changed.
"Yeah you do, Sparky." Ratchet responded, calling his bluff.
"I don't want to talk about it," Sparky replied. "Let's just get this over with. I hate going to town."
Ratchet mumbled some unintelligable response and picked up his pace. Sparky knew that he hated going to town just as much as he did. As much as everyone did. Anytime you went to town, there was always the chance that you would see a loved one. That was something you didn't want.
The pair finally emerged from the woods as it began to snow. Pulling his worn parka closer, Sparky began to head towards the ruined town that lay before them. Complaining, Ratchet followed him, asking to slow down, to stop, to just forget it.
"Captain's orders, Ratchet. We need the medicine." Just a quick stop by the old pharmacy. In out, with a handful of painkillers and antibodies. Probably something to take and forget about everything for a few moments.
Trudging through town, Sparky viewed everything through his scope. The streets stunk of rotting flesh where bodies lay torn open, half eaten by the monsters that lurked behind friendly faces.
"You see any Originals, you tell me," Sparky told his partner without taking his eye from the scope. "You see any Turned, you fire on sight and run as fast as you can." Ratchet knew the drill, but it was always better to say it out loud. The thing you didn't say out loud was what you really meant. Leave me behind. Survival comes first.
Finally they made it to the pharmacy. The snow was beginning to accumulate into small piles along the walls of buildings and old abandoned cars and rusty streetlights.
"I'll head in," Ratchet whispered. "You stand watch. If I'm not out in five minutes, leave without me." Sparky nodded his agreement to the plan.
It didn't take five minutes for things to go horribly wrong.
Ratchet had only been inside for a few moments when Sparky heard him scream in terror. An instant later, Ratchet was flying through the glass door without stopping to open it, shards almost ripping Sparky to ribbons. A few boxes of Xanax fell from his dirty pack as he got up, firing his salvaged automatic pistol into the abandoned pharmacy.
"Turned! There are at least five Originals that can still move back behind the building, too!"
Before Sparky even comprehended what Ratchet said, a large Turned man in a pharmacist coat and broken glasses leaped through the window to his left, moaning and biting. A pull of the trigger and a fist-sized hole in it's chest solved the problem quickly.
"Run!" Sparky didn't know who said it, everything was a blur. But he did. He shot off in the direction they came from, leaping over abandoned car hoods, Ratchet right behind him. Further back, moaning Turned leaped out of the pharmacy, some stopping to devour their fallen comrades in the doorway, but most persuing fresher meat.
"Keep going!" Sparky yelled to Ratchet as he turned and began jogging backward, firing at the pack of Turned rapidly gaining on them, some lurching on all fours. Like animals, he thought as his well placed bullets ripped through them. That decision he would regret for the rest of his life.
Ratchet, who had done what Sparky ordered and ran ahead, suddenly let out a yelp of terror. Sparky turned to see a Turned flying towards his partner. Without thinking, he let his rifle drop to his side by its strap and drew his Bowie, sprinting to his friends aid. But it was to late. The creature landed on top of Ratchet, his gun sliding underneath a nearby truck. Sparky jabbed his knife into it's back again and again, until it no longer thrashed around.
"Ratchet!"
His friend was bloody and pale, his hands shaking.
"I-I got bit..." he stammered as Sparky held his hand. "You gotta... you have to get this to the settlement..." He pushed his pack full of medicine to Sparky.
"No..." Sparky sobbed. The Turned behind them were almost to them.
"Go..." Ratchet said with his dying breath. At least he wouldn't Turn.
Sparky took the pack and ran.
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140,498 Literary Works • 673,255 Reviews
Hey, Questio! I'm here to fill in for your Deadbeat Santa who didn't show up for Christmas in July. ;_; Two reviews coming your way!
First of all, I actually did read your other piece, about the girl! I vaguely remember it, so I'm happy to be reading this new version. Let's see what I thought as I read through:
I think this would be more powerful incentive for people to go into town. They wouldn't really complain about it so much with the potential for this reward!
Hmm, this name seems slightly clunky. I realize they're trying to distinguish between the way people were and the way they are now, but maybe they'd just say, "If you see any of us" with that specific tone in their voices? In any case, originals is clunky and feels weird, like it's implying that in the future we'll have to remind ourselves we were originally here.
I think you might have meant this to refer to him telling his partner to go on ahead, but the way you've written it, it implies he will regret thinking of the turned as animals, and that is WAY more interesting to me. It implies that later in the story, we'll see some character development about how human perception changes in regards to the zombies. I like that character kind of stuff. The action stuff around zombies has been explored in many ways. I hope you pursue a different path!
Overall, this didn't seem close to finished. It was just getting started when already the piece ended. Do you plan to post more?
Hope this review was helpful for you! Let me know if you have any questions or comments about it.
Good luck and keep writing~
Originals are dead. They are the real zombies. When a person dies in any way (unless they are already Turned) they become and Original. Originals are only killed with head wounds. Turned are more common, because they are still alive, but have the virus in their brains, making them act like Originals, except they are faster, stronger, and smarter. Some Turned can even set traps... When a Turned dies, the virus dies with them, and they do not Rise as an Original.
Just to clear that all up.
I really like the range of emotions explicated in this piece. It's really entertaining. I would have liked a bit more internal expression, as a lot of vocal and psychical movement is depicted but not enough self-reflection *I think*. I tend to concern myself with deep emotive pieces and less science fiction stuff, but I LOVE horror and classic zombie tropes. I liked this piece, and you're obviously an apt writer.. I would just play around with internal expression a tad bit more. Really cool though man.
By the way, great job!
I agree with Cheetah on the need for clarification on this. For example, what ARE the Turned, exactly? Are they alive but infected with a disease that makes them want human flesh? Or are they physically dead with a virus controlling their bodies? Personally, I suggest that you specify that they are still alive, because dead people's bodies would be too overcome with rot and rigor mortis to do much harm. Zombies that just convulse slightly on the ground wouldn't be that horrifying. Also, what was the decision that Sparky would regret? I was a bit confused when I read that. I also like Cheetah's idea about Sparky knowing Cassy, but since this is supposed to be a follow-up story, maybe Sparky KNEW Cassy, but one day he finds her half-eaten body with a bullet through it and decides to avenge her death.
P.S. Like the title!
~Kingofwernogs, Fact Checker
It was reeeally good! I love the way you write- it's so smooth and I can see it happening. I have also read "The Tears That Wouldn't Come," and I agree with Birkhoff that you do need some info on who's Oringinal and who's Turned in this story. The only other part that might or might not have been an error is when Sparks shot the Turned in the chest he "died". In the books I read zombies (or, in your case, the Turned) only die if shot or stabbed in the brain, since that is now their main body organ. But every writer has their own world, so this is not a huge error.
You should definitely combine them! Maybe have a story like this first and then he meets Cassy and they work together but have to split up for one task and that's when it's Cassy's POV. Good luck!!
And Questio? I just have one favor to ask: if you someone combine these two stories or make anymore apocalyptic ones, PM ME!!!!!!!! You are an AMAZING writer!!
Hey Questio(n)!
Zombies are pretty awesome, to the point of them now being kinda run of the mill. I've never read a zombie story on YWS though, and I'm hoping to see you continue this as it was pretty decent.
I found little to none in the way of grammar mistakes. Good.
There were however, some story elements I would improve on though.
Like for instance, The Thursday. The Thursday would be an awesome intro to the story, seeing all the chaos when the sh!t hits the fan. The opening had some nice hinted backstory of it though, through dialogue which was okay.
We also have no idea of the difference of a turned and an original.
You have a snowy setting for the story, which I love. I love winter settings and the cold atmosphere, and it can add a lot to a story. Especially a post apocalyptic one. But using the descriptions more would be to your advantage.
I also hope your Captain character....is actually a Captain and not just some nickname (aka Walking Dead style, ugh).
Hope to see some follow-ups.
Cheers
Birkhoff
I really liked the idea of this!!
First off, there are no mistakes that I have found. Good job on that!
Questions: What's the difference between a Turned and an Original? You didn't seen to explain what an Original is.
Is there going to be more to this story? This could turn out to be a great book.
Well I don't have much to say so, good day to you.
Very interesting! I enjoyed it, and I want to read more! I am assuming that this is a random scene in a story, and I am going to treat it like such.
), but in one of your first paragraphs you said, "Sparky knew that he hated going to town just as much as he did". This is somewhat confusing because you use "he" as BOTH of the characters. You could say, "Sparky knew that Ratchet also hated going to town; everyone hated it", or something along these lines. That makes the sentence much more understandable to the reader.
I enjoyed your plot, and it left me with questions; I was left wanting to know more. Where did Sparky and Ratchet come from? What exactly are the Turned? What is an Original? Are the Turned like zombies or are they closer to just beasts? Did anyone else escape with Sparky?
I am not going to comment on the fast developing pace of this story because I am assuming that it is either not meant to be a whole story or that it is just a beginning.
I did not notice very many grammar errors (this is rare, so I commend you on this
Overall, I enjoyed it, and I hope that you put more on there. Keep writing!
*those lines