z

Young Writers Society



Starfall - Chapter 1.4 (Elliott)

by Que


Swooping low over the dormitories and through an empty hallway of the school, Elliott sped towards the mess hall. She alighted gracefully and slid behind the edge of the wall, quieting her breathing and tucking in her wings to await her prey- Jude. After a moment, she peered out. Why wasn’t he coming? Something brushed her shoulder and she whirled around. Jude chose this moment to jump out screaming from behind her.



“Ah!” she cried, hand flying to her heart instinctively. She shoved his shoulder. “Why would you do that?”



“The question is why would you do that?” he replied in a snarky tone. Elliott wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. She wanted to smile. She settled for shaking her head.



“C’mon you idiot. We’re going to miss dinner.”



“You’re going to miss dinner. I have private room service, if I want it.”



“Oh, of course you do. How could I forget? Maybe it’s just because you choose to eat slop with us every night.” Elliott made a tiny smile. That was one of Jude’s nicer aspects.



“I only do that because I need an audience to boast to,” Jude sniffed, puffing up his chest. He strode forward and down to the main hall, leaving Elliott to jog a little to catch up to him.



The Mess Hall was accurately named. It was loud, sometimes violent, and well, messy. Elliott looked over tonight’s dinner with distaste and decided to take a roll, some water, and two apples. She wasn’t quite sure what the meat was, and that was never a good sign. Tossing one apple up in the air and wiping it on a clean corner of her shirt (which was, admittedly, also dirty), she slid into a seat next to her usual group of friends. Jude had gone directly there, clearly uninterested in the sub-par food, and was currently crowing about some new accomplishment, just as he said he would. Elliott shook her head. Some things never change.



“And then, the hardest problem of the dang exam, and I get a fourteen out of fifteen marks. Fourteen!” Jude bowed his head dramatically as if in mourning and there were scoffs and guffaws from the table. He was standing at the head of the table, one foot on the chair with his hand resting naturally on his knee.



“Oh yeah?” Chrys called up to him good naturedly. “And what was your final score on this fateful test?”



Jude slowly, slowly lifted his eyes to face her. He leaned forward and everyone else leaned forward to him. Truly, Jude had missed his calling in dramatic theater. Not that the theater was much of a life, considering the poor pay that would put an end to his extravagant parties and social interactions. Yet still.



His voice was a sigh and his face fell like a curtain. “Ninety-nine out of one hundred marks.” It was those words, spoken in a forlorn tone, that broke the spell. The table filled once more with noise and shouting.



“Ninety-nine out of a hundred marks and you’re complaining?” Art nearly choked on his food. Spluttering, he looked around as if looking for an explanation. Jude looked offended and Sade made circles in the air with his fork as he chewed.



“Some of us,” he said slowly, pausing to swallow, “aren’t gifted with talents such as you, and are lucky to get seventy marks on an exam- tops. I bet you’ve never had to get more than ten marks off.”



“Alas, it’s untrue,” Jude said primly. He finally took a seat in his chair and stole an apple from Neira, who glared at him slightly before sniffing and returning to her other nine apples. Who's to judge a favorite food? “I've never gotten more than seven marks off.” The table is a mix of groans and longing sighs. Elliott groaned along with them and picked apart her roll. Jude’s eyes bore into her, though, and suddenly she was uncertain.



“Elliott, though,” he continued, taking a bite of his apple and gesturing at Elliott, “She’s been getting perfect one hundred marks on her exams.”



Now everyone went silent, fixed on Elliott for once. Jude didn’t have much of his mother in him, but he still knew how to manipulate people, just in more of a social situation way. He knew how to draw attention to himself and he knew how to make it leave him. The fact that he’d drawn it to Elliott on such an uncomfortable topic meant that he wasn’t going to let her slip about not telling him of the other world.



Elliott could hear their responses before they said them. She knew exactly how each would answer. She was walking away from the table before she knew it, tossing her apple up and down, up and down. Someone called after her, but it was too faint to hear. She flew up to the highest point she knew of, where she could see the ocean and everything else. Slowly, thoughtfully, she ate her apple. Each crunch of her teeth on the apple sounded hollow in the still night, and each bite did nothing to fill her up inside. She sighed as the lanterns winked on one by one, dotting the indigo landscape with a cheery glow that the world as a whole ignored.



After two hours, Elliott flew back to her dorm room. What was it she felt- disappointment? Had she wanted Jude to come after her? Perhaps she was just imagining his sensitive side. Perhaps he really was only the obnoxious center of attention, with his mother's cold ice inside, waiting to strike. Even as she thought this, she shook her head. If you couldn't depend on someone you've been friends with for this long, you couldn't depend on anything. Elliott wouldn’t let that happen to her. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
235 Reviews


Points: 2200
Reviews: 235

Donate
Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:48 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Querencia! Storm here for another review this fine Review Day, so let's jump right into it!

“The question is why would you do that?” he replied in a snarky tone. Elliott wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. She wanted to smile. She settled for shaking her head.

This whole thing is rather clunky. I think the tag could be changed to "he replied snarkily". All of the things Elliott wanted to do should have been handled through description, not telling the audience outright.

“Oh, of course you do. How could I forget? Maybe it’s just because you choose to eat slop with us every night.” Elliott made a tiny smile. That was one of Jude’s nicer aspects.

What's because he chooses to eat with them every night? What is one of Jude's nicer aspects? These things aren't stated, so no one knows what you're saying.

The fact that he’d drawn it to Elliott on such an uncomfortable topic meant that he wasn’t going to let her slip about not telling him of the other world.

Clunky wording. You might just need to scrap this sentence and rewrite a different one with the same information.

She was walking away from the table before she knew it, tossing her apple up and down, up and down. Someone called after her, but it was too faint to hear. She flew up to the highest point she knew of, where she could see the ocean and everything else. Slowly, thoughtfully, she ate her apple. Each crunch of her teeth on the apple sounded hollow in the still night, and each bite did nothing to fill her up inside.

You say 'apple' three times in three sentences. Too much.

Honestly, it seemed like this story was taking place on a sheet of copy paper. Empty. You need a lot more description. Everything was stark and utilitarian. You need to fill your world up with items. The audience wants to be able to see the rich world in which your story takes place. When you don't give us much to work with, the world ends up feeling empty and bleak, contributing to a tone that you might not necessarily intend. I think that not only does your description need more work, but your characters reflect the bleakness as well. Elliott and Jude are fairly well-developed (though I feel like Elliott needs more work), but the background characters just seem like mannequins propped up in chairs to make the world seem more alive. However, this just fails because mannequins are the antithesis of life because they're meant to imitate it but are so clearly fake.

Overall, I think that while there are some redeeming qualities to this work, the stark whiteness of the writing drowns out everything that you did well.

~Storm




User avatar
641 Reviews


Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Donate
Fri Oct 06, 2017 9:00 pm
View Likes
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia! Pan back to review this last part.

Nitpicks

Elliott made a tiny smile.


I don't know about 'making a smile' as a phrase. It just kind of seems weird to me. Maybe something like 'Elliott gave him a tiny smile' or even just 'Elliott smiled to herself' would be a bit more natural.

Tossing one apple up in the air and wiping it on a clean corner of her shirt


I couldn't picture this. How can she toss it in the air and wipe it on her shirt simultaneously? Do you mean she tossed one of the apples in the air and wiped down the second apple? You did say she had two.

Some things never change.


Tiny tense issue. Should be 'changed'.

Truly, Jude had missed his calling in dramatic theater.


Not a nitpick. This bit made me giggle.

just in more of a social situation way.


Don't really need that word. It makes the sentence clunky.

She flew up to the highest point she knew of, where she could see the ocean and everything else.


Wait, so has she left the mess hall now? Or is the hall open-roofed? You need to make it clearer that she's gone outside, because it reads like she's just flown up to the ceiling of the hall.

I think that's all for nitpicks. Significantly less than normal, so that's good!

Overall Thoughts

1) The problem that stood out to me most was that the members of the friend group weren't distinct enough. There were nice little notes of characterisation there - the bit about one of the friends having nine apples, for instance - but mostly they just blurred together in my head. I wasn't even sure how many of them there were. It would be nice to get a bit of description to help me differentiate between the characters, because they all just feel like bodiless voices at the minute.

It's also worth mentioning that you don't want to go too far the other way, as systematically describing a whole host of characters one after the other is overwhelming and not the best way to introduce them to your reader. I feel like this is a problem you could fix by working on what I mentioned in my previous review: slowing the pacing down. If, earlier in the story, we got more active scenes from Elliott's ten years in the military, we could meet some of these characters individually before we see them bunched into one unit. That would let us get to know their personalities better, and more gradually.

2) I think you need a stronger reason for Elliott to want to keep the other world hidden from everyone. At the moment, your justification seems to be that...well, she's just kept the secret for so long that it's become a habit. Which isn't really enough. I want to identify with her conflict, but I can't when she's acting unreasonable. I don't see why it would be so bad for her to share the information with her friends, especially now that people are treating the existence of the world as legitimate.

Try to find more of a concrete justification to fuel Elliott's motivation to keep the world a secret. It might require you to revise some of what happens in the flashback, but that isn't a bad thing. I did mention in my first review that the flashback needed a bit more conflict and jeopardy in it - tackling this issue could allow you to kill two birds with one stone. By injecting more conflict into the flashback, you might find a stronger motivation for her to keep the world secret. I'm just spitballing here - obviously it's all in your hands - but it's something to look to improve.

3) I like Jude. Drama queen characters are my FAVE. Moreover, I appreciate that you're tapping into the different sides of him, too - I like how quietly manipulative he is. Especially given that he doesn't necessarily manipulate in a nasty way. It gives him a nice greyness. I hope you continue to delve into his different sides as the story goes on.

4) You need more description in general. I can't really picture the mess hall at all. You need to tell us more about what things look like, not to mention delving into the sounds and smells and textures as well. You missed a great opportunity to call on the sense of smell when you were describing the food. The key to making food seem disgusting in literature is definitely to describe how it smells. If you tell me it's gross, I'm just like 'eh, if you insist'. But if you describe the stewed stink of mincemeat and the greasy, oily smell that fills the hall, then I'll start to feel a bit queasy. Think senses. Senses senses senses.

I'll call the review there. I think this was actually the strongest part since the first, though it still has that somewhat sparse, first-draft type feel to it. Nevertheless, I'm intrigued. Could you tag me when you post the next bit?

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Que says...


To be honest, I probably won%u2019t post more for a while since I%u2019ve obviously got a lot of revision to do! Haha. Then it%u2019s time for the next NaNo. Well see, though.




The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart