Hiya, Querencia! Just dropping in for another review. I'm steadily trying to get up to date with all of the novels I'm following.
He was losing his patience very quickly. When a boy right next to him whispered, “Mia the Maniac,” Finnley spun around and punched him in the shoulder. It was a weak blow since he had little experience in punching, but it was fueled with all of his pent-up anger at those insulting Mia.
You're a bit on the tell-y side in this chapter. You do a lot of talking about how angry Finnley is without actually describing the physical sensations of his anger, which makes the writing feel a little flat.
“You’re Mia’s friend, aren’t ya?”
Finnley stubbornly set his jaw. “Yes, I am. What did she ever do to you?”
The kid had the nerve to casually shrug his shoulders. “Nothing. Just telling the truth about who she is. A maniac. Normal people don’t go drawing demon horses and running off into forests. She’s crazy, that one —”
As I mentioned in my last review, there's something about the response to Mia's stint in the woods that just doesn't ring true for me. I don't doubt that rumours would spread and that some people would be callous about her, but the way you're portraying the bullying just seems kind of...textbook. It's the only way I can think to describe it. The bullying doesn't really get under my skin, either, maybe because they're not particularly cunning bullies. It's just name-calling.
Ms. Lannis seemed the hurt shoulder act.
There's a missing verb here.
“Finnley, physical violence is against the rules in the student handbook. I’ll escort you down to the Dean’s office. This is behavior which we do not condone in this school.”
I know you get some stupid teachers, but would she really not even ask why Finnley hit the guy? If she's a vice principle, she must have enough teaching experience to know that high school children don't 'just punch' people without some kind of provocation. Even if she doesn't ask, I'm surprised Finnley doesn't make any attempt to stick up for himself. If he's angry enough to hit someone, you'd think he'd be angry enough to argue back at a teacher.
I don't really have any other specifics concerning this chapter. It was nice to see Sylvie pop up again. I suspect that she wasn't just defending her reputation when she got in trouble; I think she still harbours some affection for Mia, even after everything.
As far as this whole arc with the bullying goes, I'm not overly sure what the purpose of it is. Once again, we seem to be back in the territory of not really having an overall plot goal, so you're kind of having to rely on mini-conflicts to keep the story going. I also feel like you're doing quite a lot of writing to type, lately. The bullies are just Bullies rather than individuals, and the teachers are just Teachers rather than individuals. I want to see you diversify your background characters more rather than just using them as plot devices, because it will make the whole setting feel much more real and rich.
So, not a bad chapter, but I still feel like we're drifting. Is all of this stuff with the bullying going to further the overall plot in some way? Is it going to prompt Finnley to do something? I hope so. If it doesn't, it seems strange to focus on it so much.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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