Hiya, Querencia! Let's see if I can get completely up to date with this novel before the end of Review Day! It's been a long time coming.
The idea of running away from everything had a certain allure, like some sort of cure-all that would magic away his problems.
This does seem a bit contrary to what he said in the last part, when he said he didn't think he would ever be able to leave. I'm also not quite sure that the cure-all simile works, because I feel like Finnley is too weary and too realistic to think even momentarily that running away would fix everything. At best it would be like turning the static up on a radio until you can't hear anything else.
Finnley thought that even if they left for a few days, it would be like betraying Mia after all they'd been through.
Maybe you could draw on the prospect of Mia waking up and wanting to see him? Even if it's unlikely, Finnley would probably want to be there just in case. If Mia woke up and while he was jetting off into the sunset for a roadtrip, he'd feel so guilty.
Then she pulled her gaze back in, looking around at the house. Finnley knew that she loved it — knew how hard she’d worked for it. “Alright,” she said, “so we stay here.”
I definitely feel like there should be more conflict about this. One of the bigger flaws with this novel as a whole is that I don't buy Mrs Bale's lack of terror. After this and everything else, I think it would take way, way more to convince her to stay here. Finnley is literally the only family she has left; I'd expect her to be overprotective, more than anything.
In future drafts, I think it would be good to give Mrs Bale her own motivation to stay in the town. Maybe draw on the Allie plotline more? I don't know what kind of stuff Monica is going to tell them about Allie, but if Mrs Bale knew that she had news about her, she might want to stay for that. I don't know. I just think you need something, one way or another.
“Finnley, wait,” his mom said. He turned, and saw her sitting there on the couch, looking so alone. “Want to sleep on the couch tonight? Like you did when you were little. We used to build pillow forts and fall asleep in them…”
This is such a sweet and forlorn moment. Why didn't you build forts with her, Finnley!? She clearly doesn't want to be on her own!
If that was true, then the horse could've been a real horse, something another magician had placed a spell on.
Oh-oh. Now I'm intrigued. Is there some kind of adversary out there? Maybe someone with a bone to pick with the Harts?
It's not a specific point, but I feel like the magical stuff at the end, while interesting, crops up a bit out of nowhere. It doesn't feel like you segue into it that cleanly. Maybe it's because, up until that moment, we haven't had any indication that Mr Vaughn's explanation has been nagging at Finnley. To clarify, I don't think you should delete that section, because it does set up a lot of interesting questions, but I think you could find a better entry point to it all. Even if it's just that Finnley, unable to sleep, tries to distract himself by reading about magic, and by doing that he starts wondering how Mr Vaughn took care of the horse. It could just be simple.
Overall, the chapter is pretty good, and it's definitely helped by an interesting end that poses some new questions. However, for me, it doesn't hold that Mrs Bale wouldn't be so calm about not leaving. I think any mother - especially a mother who's already lost her daughter and (presumably) husband - would be almost out of her mind with fear and want to get as far away from the danger as possible. As I said earlier, I feel like Mrs Bale needs her own reason to want to stay. Otherwise you need to have a lot more conflict between her and Finnley on the issue.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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