Hiya, Querencia. Pan dropping in for another review.
He had been through these adventures -- through these terrors, and what did he have to show for it? Nothing. Life went on.It was as ifThe world hardly blinkedat the supernatural happenings of a small town in Wyoming.
1) I love the bleak yet very real stance you take on this. In fantasy stories, lots of writers forget about the mundane in-between stuff in favour of of the dramatic action, so I'm glad that you keep in touch with it. Monsters and magic might exist, but that doesn't mean that everyday life doesn't keep on ticking.
2) I feel like 'The world hardly blinked' would be a powerful enough image by itself. The rest of the line kind of takes the teeth out of it.
Finnley spread the food out on the living room table
"It came from the spirit world, I think," he replied. "It was really just a theory. She kept changing her clothes, you know? And I thought it was kind of weird. I thought that they had to have come from there, but they seemed so real. I wondered if it applied to other things. I thought she could go in there and bring back something that could help us. And she came back with the motorcycle."
I think you drag this dialogue out a bit. It could be trimmed down to be a lot more concise. He could just say something like:
"It came from the spirit world, I think," he replied. "It was just a theory. She kept changing her clothes, you know? Like bringing them back from somewhere else. And I thought, if she can bring clothes back, why not..."
Then you could even have Mrs Bale chime in with 'a motorcycle', all deadpan.
Once, he had wanted the safety and comfort of a new town where he was an unnoticed stranger. His mom was right — about his friends, about all their circumstances. It was terrifying, but he felt drawn to it all the same. Like he'd already put down some sort of roots in this town and it had put roots right back into him.
Could you also mention that he doesn't even know how to be normal again after having seen what he's seen? This could be the moment that he really realises that. His worst fear isn't staying in a town full of magic and monsters, but moving to another where there is none - because then he'd just have to chug through everyday life acting like none of this ever happened, unable to talk about it to anybody. It's sort of like how some soldiers stop knowing how to exist outside of war zones.
This is an idea you could lean harder on if you played more to the idea that Finnley is using the town's chaos to distract himself. If he moves to safety, he's suddenly going to have to think about Allie and let himself mourn and come to terms with her death. At the moment, there's always something more dangerous to bury his attention in. I think that would be quite an interesting angle to take, because at the moment, his reasons for wanting to stay are all quite positive. It would be good to muddy it a little with a more self-destructive craving - it just makes things more complex.
The roots line is really lovely, by the way. Definitely keep that.
“But Mr. Vaughn’s been paying you plenty for hardly any work. You, what, learn magic and occasionally manage the front desk for the antique shop? We’ll be fine.”
I'm surprised she's so blasé about spending Finnley's money. She's such a caring mother that I feel like she'd be more like 'what's yours is yours'. Still, I think I've made this sort of point before, so maybe it is just a part of her character for her not to have hang-ups about it.
Overall, this isn't a bad chapter, but I can sort of feel that you were struggling for what to do next. It's probably because, as I touched on in my previous review, you have written yourself into a bit of a narrative corner. Still, I think there's some good scope to expand of Finnley's disorientation with normality. You capture the right sort of helpless, listless atmosphere in this chapter, as well.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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Reviews: 641
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