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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 23.3

by Que


“Sorry to interrupt,” Finnley said awkwardly, and Monica pulled away from his mother as if they hadn't just been discussing things related to her death.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Finnley’s mom asked impatiently, standing up from her chair and crossing the room to him. “Mia’s out there in the forest. Let's go. Finnley, do you have your supplies?”

He handed his backpack over to his mom, who checked over it and approved. She grabbed her own messenger bag from a hook on the wall and stuffed some food into it, along with her cell phone and another bottle of water.

She scribbled out a note and stuck it to the outer door, which she then strode out of. That fast, she was ready.

“What was the note all about?” Finnley questioned.

“Telling the police where we’re going if they need to get ahold of us. Or if we're in trouble.” Finnley hadn't thought of that before. Monica smiled in approval.

The forest was right at the end of the street, and there were no roads into it, so they went on foot rather than by car.

“Where do we even start?” Mrs. Bale asked, looking towards the vast expanse of forest.

“The other day, Mia showed me these hoof prints. I've no idea if they'll still be there, but maybe…” Finnley trailed off, trying to remember where exactly she had shown him the marks. They had been coming back from Mr. Vaughn’s — “Here. They should be here.”

Sure enough, there were the hoof prints. It had been weeks since Mia had shown the prints to Finnley, and though Finnley didn't know much about tracking, he guessed that these were fresh ones. And beside then were smaller prints, a little shallower, made with shoes with soles meant for hiking. Mia.

“It has to be this way,” Finnley said, and the three of them plunged into the forest. The shift in atmosphere was immediate and noticeable; although it was full daylight outside, and the sunlight sifted through the trees to illuminate the forest floor, it didn't feel like day time. Finnley was reminded suddenly of when he's first gone into the forest, at night.

“I'll go in the lead,” Monica offered. “It's easier for me to see the prints. They've got some sort of spirit echo that I can see.” Though there was no undergrowth in the pine forest, the tracks could be far apart or completely invisible depending on the soil.

Their conversation was minimal, which only added to the odd feeling in the air. Finnley could see birds flitting from tree to tree, just out of the corner of his eye, but they made no calls.

The three of them quickly lost track of time, and eventually Mrs. Bale called them to a halt. “Everyone should eat something and get a good drink,” she said, making sure Finnley had gotten some water before she did. Monica only shrugged apologetically.

Finnley glanced at his watch. They'd been walking for an hour already — maybe two, maybe three miles. “How far do you think she got?”

“I get the sense that she wouldn't stop until those hoofprints did,” Monica remarked.

“We've been going steadily uphill this entire time,” Finnley’s mom said, peering through the trees. The ground was sloping upwards to the west, the direction they'd been going. “We're getting into the foothills; I just hope Mia wasn't aiming for the mountains.”

“I don't think so,” Finnley replied. He glanced down at his water bottle. “Let's keep going. We will need to turn around when we get halfway through our water supply, but hopefully it won't come to that.” He held out a hand to his mother, who eased herself off the log shed settled onto.

They walked a little faster now; something about the forest was distinctly uninviting, and they wanted to find Mia and get out of there. The soft sound of Finnley’s boots on the pine needle covered soil sounded like thunder in his ears. He ended up using his walking stick to help pull him along despite his thinking to use it as a weapon.

“Wait.” With a single word, his mother stopped him dead. There was something in her voice… “Smell that?” She was inhaling sharply.

Finnley took a deep breath. There was the scent of pine, but just beyond that was a different smell, one which sent a spike of fear into his heart. Smoke. He could've sworn his heart hiccoughed. Mia hard drawn a fiery horse, a burning horse. He'd seen the hoofprints, but hoped that the rest of what she'd drawn was simply her nightmare. What if it wasn't?

“Let's go,” Finnley urged, afraid more of what would happen to Mia if they didn't continue onward than what would happen to themselves if they did.

“Stay close,” Mrs. Bale responded, her voice low and threatening. Protective, Finnley realized. She's protecting us. Protecting me. From something she doesn't even know.

They moved forward as a single unit, Finnley now holding out his walking stick as if it were a spear. The hoof prints were deeper here, and there were more of them, as if this place were a constant point of departure and arrival.

Then the hoofprints just stopped — but with good reason. The loose soil have way to a sheer rock shelf. The trees here were blackened, burned.

“That's one heck of an isolated forest fire,” Monica muttered. The charred remains of the pines formed some sort of forest graveyard, and Finnley shivered despite the warmth. Warmth. He was warm. And it was coming from—

“There's a fire over there,” Mrs. Bale whispered, her eyes wide and her face pale, but lips set in a determined line.

“Mom,” Finnley whispered. “It's not… This isn't a normal fire. There's something strange going on here. It could be a monster.”

Mrs. Bale raised an eyebrow and her mouth twisted into a wry smile. “You write spells and slay a demon and tell me this isn't going to be normal? Give me some more credit here, Finn.” The smile slipped off her face, though. “Let's go get our girl.”

At that moment, a shrill whinny rang out across the forest. As they turned towards it, a weak shout rose up in answer. “Come here and fight me, you coward!” 


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Sun Mar 11, 2018 9:35 am
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Querencia. Slidin' in for another critique.

The forest was right at the end of the street, and there were no roads into it, so they went on foot rather than by car.


I'd like more description of the forest. I want to feel the vastness of it and get a sense of its foreboding, and I think that would come across better if you paused to focus on how it looks as they draw closer to it.

And beside them were smaller prints


The shift in atmosphere was immediate and noticeable; although it was full daylight outside, and the sunlight sifted through the trees to illuminate the forest floor, it didn't feel like day time


The bold is a bit tell-y, if only because you don't really explain what the shift in atmosphere feels like. If it gets darker, that's one thing, but I think you could also mention how the silence of the forest swallows the sounds of traffic and everyday bustle beyond it. You also could talk about how the smell changes - earth and soil and damp leaves are all evocative scents. Just give us more precise sensory detail about how it feels to step into the forest.

Finnley was reminded suddenly of when he'd first gone into the forest, at night.


They walked a little faster now; something about the forest was distinctly uninviting, and they wanted to find Mia and get out of there.


Again, quite tell-y. What makes it feel uninviting? Are the trees getting denser, the foliage thicker, the air colder? Does Finnley keep thinking he's seen something move between the trunks?

He could've sworn His heart hiccoughed.


I think this would be a stronger line if you committed to the metaphor.

Mrs. Bale raised an eyebrow and her mouth twisted into a wry smile. “You write spells and slay a demon and tell me this isn't going to be normal? Give me some more credit here, Finn.” The smile slipped off her face, though. “Let's go get our girl.”


I liked this bit. It's got just the right amount of humour without detracting from the seriousness of the situation.

So, that's all for my specific comments. I think this chapter segment does get better as it goes along, but my biggest concern for it is the lack of atmosphere, which is mostly due to the sparse description. I don't really feel Finnley's apprehension or urgency, and I have trouble actually summoning a picture of the forest around him. It gets better at the end when he notices the smoke, but up until then it needs some refinement. I don't know if you've ever read Uprooted, but the thing I possibly love most about that book is how brilliantly the writer creates atmosphere. It features a sinister wood - which is far more dangerous than this forest, admittedly - and you really feel the unease when the protagonist has to venture into it. It would be good if you could capture a similar sort of atmosphere in this chapter.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Mon Mar 05, 2018 1:24 pm
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! :D

That fast, she was ready.


I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, but the sentence structure is off.

I don't know if it's just me, but the progression to the forest is a little bit rushed. I would like to have Finnley's thoughts about this, how they're really going to the forest and the danger that awaits them. I'm sure the nature of the horse is foreign to him, so I expect him to worry about what it can do to them.

The three of them quickly lost track of time, and eventually Mrs. Bale called them to a halt. “Everyone should eat something and get a good drink,” she said, making sure Finnley had gotten some water before she did. Monica only shrugged apologetically.


Unlike Blue, I think this is a needed realistic approach to this rescuing in the forest thingy. I don't expect us to face danger anytime soon, so I don't mind being eased into the scene, letting myself familiar with the visual of them searching for Mia there. It will seem rushing if they suddenly find Mia in an unpleasant state or the horse.

“Let's keep going. We will need to turn around when we get halfway through our water supply, but hopefully it won't come to that.”


Or maybe find a water source? I don't know, this just sounds odd. If there are living creatures in the forest, it means there's a way to survive and find water.

They walked a little faster now; something about the forest was distinctly uninviting, and they wanted to find Mia and get out of there.


Something about the forest being distinctly uninviting is a excellent opportunity to describe the atmosphere in there. Given they're venturing into bad things, I would like to be shown of something that would make me feel uneasy. Atmosphere is important when there's nothing yet happening.

Oh wow, the ending there so obviously belongs to Mia, and the way it's presented doesn't make me feel worry about her. It's almost comical, in fact. I do know she's facing the horse though, it's just that she doesn't seem like facing it with worry. She's angry, and she'll do anything to the horse. So yeah. It kind of break the feeling of nervousness that I have when they're getting closer to the horse.

That is all! The chapter is solid enough to keep my interest, so good job on that! :D




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Thu Feb 01, 2018 1:39 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



MY BABY

So I don't think this drags as much as you think it does (or as much as you thought I would think it does), although I'm torn on Mrs. Bale's momliness. On the one hand, I like details like these because she's just such a mom.

Finnley, do you have your supplies?”

He handed his backpack over to his mom, who checked over it and approved. She grabbed her own messenger bag from a hook on the wall and stuffed some food into it, along with her cell phone and another bottle of water.

She scribbled out a note and stuck it to the outer door, which she then strode out of. That fast, she was ready.

“What was the note all about?” Finnley questioned.

“Telling the police where we’re going if they need to get ahold of us. Or if we're in trouble.” Finnley hadn't thought of that before. Monica smiled in approval.


The three of them quickly lost track of time, and eventually Mrs. Bale called them to a halt. “Everyone should eat something and get a good drink,” she said, making sure Finnley had gotten some water before she did. Monica only shrugged apologetically.


On the other hand, I think those moments do detract from the sense of danger and suspense that you build by describing the eeriness of the forest. I think it might work better if you summarize/paraphrase those moments rather than dramatizing them with specific dialogue. I like this moment a lot, because it shows the momliness but in a way that ties into the danger and works with it rather than distracting from it.

“Stay close,” Mrs. Bale responded, her voice low and threatening. Protective, Finnley realized. She's protecting us. Protecting me. From something she doesn't even know.


(My mom always said, a dad would die for his child, but a mom would kill for her child. Sounds like Mrs. Bale is 1000% ready for that.)

You get into some nice description of the forest, like how dark it is despite the bright sunshine outside, the pine needles on the ground, the eerie silence. All that builds up tension nicely, but I think you could expand on it more - especially when we get to the fire, which we don't actually get to see so far. We're just told "that's not a normal fire." Which, like Mrs. Bale says...duh. I'm hoping I'll get to see more of what makes it obviously not normal once we get to the next installment!





"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening