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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 23.2

by Que


Note: If you read the last chapter, I sort of changed the time line so that Finnley skipped school to do all this stuff. Just in case you were confused. 

“Come on, Monica,” Finnley said. “We need to get to Mia’s house, make sure her parents know.”

“You know it won’t help,” Monica warned.

“I know.”

He went as quickly as he could to Mia’s house. Before he even went in, he could hear shouting from the inside. Monica took the hint and disappeared. Finnley took a deep breath, inhaled, and steeled himself. He knocked on the door, and the shouting broke off.

Mia’s father answered the door, looking stormy. “Finnley!” he said with surprise.

“Hi,” he replied. “I’m sure you already realized that Mia isn’t here. I have a note from her, I think you should look at it—”

“I’d been hoping she’d be with you,” Mr. Hart replied, whatever had been powering him suddenly deflated. He took the proffered note, but only set it on a table near the door without looking at it. “Look, you should head back home. We’ve called the police; they’ll handle it from here.”

“Wait! The note mentioned the forest. I think she’s in there!” Finnley cried.

Mr. Hart gave him a stern look. “Mia was — is — terrified of that forest. She wouldn’t have gone in there unless someone chased her in.” Or she chased something in herself, Finnley thought. He looked like he was about to close the door, then changed his mind. “Look, I appreciate you coming here. Thank you. We’ll let you know when Mia is back, though she may not be able to go out for a while.” Then he really did close the door.

Finnley could hear the fight resuming. “You know you provoked her to do this,” a woman was seething. Mrs. Hart. She didn’t bother to lower her voice.

“Whatever this is, it wasn’t me!” someone snapped back. Finnley unconsciously matched the voice to the face and came up with Uncle Fred. “I’m just as worried about her as the rest of you.” Finnley knew that he shouldn’t be there, knew that this wasn’t something he should be hearing. He backed away slowly, down the porch steps, and turned away from the house. Their solution wouldn’t be with Mia’s family.

Monica reappeared beside him. Neither said anything as they walked the short distance to Finnley’s house. Both knew, however, what they were going to have to do. I refuse to let Mia spend the day in the forest, scared and alone, Finnley thought grimly. Or maybe… not alone. That thought was even worse. The thought that she may have found this creature, this… nightmare she was hunting. He didn’t want to betray his mother’s trust again, but he would do it for Mia.

Only, when he came home, his mother’s car was already in the driveway. He hadn’t expected her to be home from work this early. Did she know that Finnley had cut school? Had the principal called her, or the Harts?

He motioned for Monica to follow him around the back way. He pulled his key from his backpack and unlocked the door as quietly as he could. They crept into the house — or rather, Finnley crept. Monica didn't have to make a noise if she didn't want to.

Mrs. Bale was waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs.

“Mom!” Finnley exclaimed, and his surprise wasn't faked. He hadn't expected her to be… lying in wait for them like that.

“Finnley, Monica,” she replied. Her eyes softened as she stared at Monica. “The Harts called me. But… Well, I'd assumed Mia was with you. If she's not, then that can only mean…” She trailed off, and gave them each a hard look. Slowly, almost threateningly, she put her hands on her hips. Finnley swallowed. “You were going to go look for her. Do you know where she is?”

“She left a note,” Finnley replied quietly. “She's gone into the forest… I think she's chasing her nightmare. We have the note to her parents, but they ignored it. They think she's terrified of the forest.”

His mom rolled her eyes heavenwards. “And because it's so clearly not safe for her, you two are going in as well,” she said with a sigh. “Were you even planning on telling me?” Finnley’s eyes danced sideways and his mother slowly exhaled. “Fine. I hate to have a child wandering in the woods. Go pack your bag with… supplies. Grab a first aid kit from the bathroom upstairs.”

His mouth must've been hanging open because Monica gestured for him to shut it. “You're — you're letting us go?” he sputtered incredulously.

“Well, it's not my first choice,” she admitted, “but I doubt I could stop you. The police are busy. Why not us?”

“Us?”

“Of course. I'm going with you. Now hurry up; I'll pack us some food, just in case. We’ll probably still be out there by lunch.”

Monica gave Finnley a light kick in the shin which sent him scurrying upstairs. His mom was going with them to find Mia in the forest. Of course she was. Finnley began to repack his backpack, though he kept the knife. He included the first air kit, a raincoat, two water bottles, and his magic notes (lighter and easier to navigate than the textbooks themselves). He found an old walking stick, a gift from his father, tucked into the closet and took that too. He didn't need it for the walking, but he remembered how Mia had taken down a monster with a baseball bat. The stick made him feel just a little bit safer.

As he came downstairs again, he paused as he heard a scrap of conversation between Monica and his mother.

“…tell your parents?”

“No,” Monica returned. “I… When I emerged from the spirit world, it was here in this town. To fulfill my… purpose. I don't think I can go very far from here, but I haven't tried.”

“Do you want me… do you want me to call them sometime? Tell them you’re… okay?”

There was a heavy silence. Then: “Yes,” Monica breathed. “I — yes. I would love that.”

Finnley descended the last few steps to find Monica seated at the kitchen counter with his mother, Mrs. Bale’s hand on her knee. The two turned to look at him as he entered the room. 


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Sat Mar 10, 2018 3:04 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia! Back again to review.

“Come on, Monica,” Finnley said. “We need to get to Mia’s house, make sure her parents know.”

“You know it won’t help,” Monica warned.

“I know.”


Hmm, this does slow things down a bit. If he knows it isn't going to help, why bother going? There's more pressing things to do. Plus, didn't Monica go looking around the town for Mia? If she checked her house, she'd probably know that the parents knew Mia had disappeared - I bet she'd have overheard them freaking out. So, in short, I'm not sure this detour adds much.

“Wait! The note mentioned the forest. I think she’s in there!” Finnley cried.

Mr. Hart gave him a stern look. “Mia was — is — terrified of that forest. She wouldn’t have gone in there unless someone chased her in.”


Not sure about this reaction, either. I'd expect Mr Hart to be desperate to know what the note said, seeing as they have absolutely no other leads as to where Mia has gone, but he doesn't seem to care. He presumably knows that the forest is dangerous, as well, so I'm surprised that he's not more stricken by the knowledge that Mia may have entered it.

His mom rolled her eyes heavenwards. “And because it's so clearly not safe for her, you two are going in as well,” she said with a sigh.


Finnley's mum is so quietly savage.

he remembered how Mia had taken down a monster with a baseball bat. The stick made him feel just a little bit safer.


You've got to credit Finnley for his ability to feel reassured by literally the worst weapons ever.

“Do you want me… do you want me to call them sometime? Tell them you’re… okay?”

There was a heavy silence. Then: “Yes,” Monica breathed. “I — yes. I would love that.”


Aww, this is sweet. It'd be a heck of a weird phone call though. 'Hi, you don't know me, but your dead daughter is friends with my son'. I assume she'd go for something a little more subtle than that, haha.

That's all for specific points. I'm glad that you changed it so Finnley skipped school, but I still feel like there's a lack of urgency to this whole situation. He's not exactly rushing to the rescue, and while it is sensible for Finnley to prepare beforehand, it means the situation looses some of its punch and tension - it's the same sort of issue that I have with the first half of the chapter. Moreover, while it is charming that Finnley's mum gets involved in the action as well, it makes the whole situation feel a lot more safe. Having a responsible adult accompany them - especially one as responsible and organised as Mrs Bale - dampens the aura of danger, so I do wonder if it does more harm than good to have her involved. Something to muse about.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Wed Feb 28, 2018 8:03 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey Que! Here for another review. Most of what I have to say here, is "it's good" or "it's written well", so I don't have much to critique.

At the Harts:

I thought it made a lot of sense for the adults to be quarreling about Mia, especially during this disaster. I can understand that tensions are running really high and everyone's really panicky and looking for something to put the blame on. It's Uncle Fred, at least in Mrs. Hart's case. They're all stressed and starting to think rather illogically (and Finnley might be a bit impulsive to dash off after her).

I'm wondering, since Uncle Fred's a monster hunter, might he go after her? He might be the one with the best chance of making it out safely because he has lots of experience with monsters, I assume. Or maybe he strongly believes that Mia is scared of the forest and won't go inside? My initial impression of him led me to believe that he might indeed search the forest for her with any weapons he has against demons. Another comment I have is that perhaps Mr. Bart might scan the note before putting it down? Like there's a chance that reading it will clear things up a bit or something? I'm not very sure and I think either way works, so this is just food for thought.

At the Bales:

Mrs. Bale is splendid. I don't remember much books where the mom is part of the action. She's a bit bolder and more adventurous? And maybe this is all fueled by desperation because she can personally understand a parent's grief if his or her child is gone? Either way, I think that she's a very unusual character because most parents aren't part of the big scenes. That makes her interesting and likable and I'm curious to see how she'll fare in the next few scenes.

The little conversation at the end felt natural and unforced and also very intriguing. I liked the fact that you slipped in bit by bit of the information as though the characters were NOT reciting a textbook. But mainly, I'm wondering so hard about Monica's "purpose" and her parents and everything. How does Mrs. Bale know about Monica and her parents? There're a lot of secrets here and there and I'm really trying to think of a way they tie up together.

And so I am even more invested in this story than before and I'll be checking up on your next few chapters posted later! Hope this helps.


-Ink




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Sun Feb 25, 2018 4:47 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! :D

“I’d been hoping she’d be with you,” Mr. Hart replied, whatever had been powering him suddenly deflated.


This dialogue is kind of weird. I think you can change the second comma with a semi-colon; the part after that is more of a proper sentence rather than a fragment.

Or she chased something in herself, Finnley thought. He looked like he was about to close the door, then changed his mind.


Because here we see Finnley's thought, readers might confuse the 'He' as being Finnley when it's not the case. I suggestion changing it with 'Mia's father' or 'Mr Hart'.

Finnley knew that he shouldn’t be there, knew that this wasn’t something he should be hearing. He backed away slowly, down the porch steps, and turned away from the house. Their solution wouldn’t be with Mia’s family.


I would rather have Finnley eavesdrop, to be honest. The argument is so interesting and mysterious. o.o

“Mom!” Finnley exclaimed, and his surprise wasn't faked.


You don't have to help reader know he's surprised for real. Obviously he thought he can go in without his mum knowing but it doesn't turn out to be the case.

His mom rolled her eyes heavenwards. “And because it's so clearly not safe for her, you two are going in as well,” she said with a sigh. “Were you even planning on telling me?” Finnley’s eyes danced sideways and his mother slowly exhaled. “Fine. I hate to have a child wandering in the woods. Go pack your bag with… supplies. Grab a first aid kit from the bathroom upstairs.”


While I can see his mother having this thought, the steps to go have this thought is kind off skipped. It's like there's no transition between her not wanting her child to take the risk in the forest to her joining them. I think you can make her more conflicted about the options and finally resort to pick the one that makes her feel guilty or worried less.

I think the ending is interesting. I can definitely see the connection Mrs. Bale has with Monica; her worry and Monica's stuttering are pretty genuine. I think the whole scene is heartfelt. I'm confused though (and this is likely because I haven't read the rest of the chapters) because if Monica's a ghost, how can Mrs. Bale contact her parents? Are they ghosts too? If they are, with what means she's going to contact them? >.> Maybe I should read earlier chapters, but it's okay too if you explain a bit about it here.

All in all, this is an enjoyable read. You have a nice flow and each character reacts to the current issue realistically. There's even an argument to think about by readers, which keeps us intrigued. Good job! :D




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Mon Jan 22, 2018 2:15 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



*sniff* My babies <3 Like obviously Monica's parents will think Mrs. Bale is just crazy (unless they believe in psychics, in which case they'll probably believe she's just that), but the offer is sweet! Plus, like, she's a mom who has also lost a child (and a husband, not that we know as much about that), so she can really understand.

His mom was going with them to find Mia in the forest. Of course she was.


OF COURSE SHE WAS. Mrs. Bale continues to be the best.

Wow, I didn't even consider a fight between Uncle Fred and Mrs. Hart, but that makes a lot of sense. I'd kind of forgotten about Uncle Fred, probably because we haven't seen the elder Harts lately, but...wow. Even though Mia was totally getting into this before she even went to find him, but I guess we can't really expect her mom to think of this right now.

I wonder if Uncle Fred knows Mr. Vaughn.

I'm honestly kind of surprised by Finn thinking that maybe they should let Mia's parents know she's missing and has gone into the forest, which is like the opposite of what every YA hero does ever. How long has she been missing? It's school hours right now, so I wouldn't expect them to have realized she's missing unless she skipped out last night and wasn't in her room this morning. Unless the high school is the kind of place to call when your kid is absent, but in my experience it's unlikely unless it's a consistent absence problem.

I still feel like we're lacking some urgency, but it's much better this way with Finn skipping school entirely. I think what's making me still feel this way is that he doesn't seem to feel as urgent as he should. Like as opposed to the events of the story - that's fine, informing Mia's parents and then running to his house to presumably pick up some potential weapons and stuff, but in the midst of all that he doesn't feel panicky or determined or any particular way that would really make the danger Mia might be in really hit home.

More like this.

Neither said anything as they walked the short distance to Finnley’s house. Both knew, however, what they were going to have to do. I refuse to let Mia spend the day in the forest, scared and alone, Finnley thought grimly. Or maybe… not alone. That thought was even worse. The thought that she may have found this creature, this… nightmare she was hunting. He didn’t want to betray his mother’s trust again, but he would do it for Mia.


That bit starts to get more at what I want. Of course it shouldn't be a bunch of added internal monologue, but this is a good start. Also consider what physical reactions Finnley has to all this. Is he sweating? Does he feel sick? He's not the one to rush into crazy situations, that's definitely Mia, but now he has to do it without her because she's the one who's disappeared. So I think there's a lot that he could be feeling on that front, which could manifest itself physically.




Que says...


For clarification, it%u2019s like Mia wasn%u2019t in her room that morning. (Though my school totally calls when students are absent without excuses) And yeah, with LMS I think emotions (among other things) are what I tend to cut out more since I%u2019m more focused on where the plot is going and don%u2019t know how to develop emotions in the moment haha. Thank you so much! <3




Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard