z

Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 23.1

by Que


“Finnley—

I’m taking your advice. The only way I’m going to stop this nightmare is to confront it. Don’t worry about me unless I’m not back by tomorrow morning. Check the forest. If I’m right about this, then you’ll know where to start looking.

—Mia”

Finnley read the note, and though he wanted to crumple it up, he merely folded it and pocketed it. Mia had gone into the forest. Why had she done it? Did she see it as the end of all things, as the solution to her problems? Just because her family had a history of monster hunting didn’t mean that it was the answer to everything, especially not to her nightmares.

Monica looked at him solemnly. “I can check a few places — Mr. Vaughn’s shop, Mia’s house, your house — while you’re at school, but that’s about all I can do. If she’s not home by tonight, we need to meet up again. I don’t like the idea of her spending the night out in the woods by herself. It’s not safe there.”

“Me neither,” Finnley admitted, but he had to agree that, at least for the moment, there was nothing that either of them could do. Monica disappeared into thin air and Finnley ran to class just as the bell rang. The teacher glared at him disapprovingly, but Finnley could care less. He hadn’t expected such a foolish move from Mia — he hadn’t believed she would be so reckless. But maybe, despite how closely he had been watching her, the dreams had affected her in ways that he hadn’t seen.

After school, instead of going to his own locker, he went to Mia’s. She’d shared her combination with him earlier in the school year, allowing him to put his things in there on occasion, though he didn’t use hers as often as she used his. Now he opened it up, hoping to find some sort of clue. What had pushed her over the edge?

Finnley clicked the lock open and held it one hand while he opened the locker with the other. Without her backpack or sports gear in it, Mia’s locker was oddly empty. At the bottom, however, was a solitary folder. Finnley picked it up and flipped it open. He hadn’t thought of Mia as much of an artist before, but the drawings inside told him that she’d had at least a class or two in the past.

The folder was filled with drawings of a horse. A burning horse. It peered out from the paper with fiery eyes in a way that almost made Finnley shiver. Though the drawings were well made, the pencil strokes were hard and thick, layered over and over again to make the form of the horse. The first word Finnley could think of to describe it was desperation.

Mia’s nightmare. That had to be it. She had to have been dreaming of a burning horse. Not only were there the drawings, but Finnley suddenly remembered that day by the edge of the forest. Mia had come running to find him, but had only the hoof prints to show him. He’d thought that she was creating monsters for herself, that she was seeing things in the woods that weren’t there, but what if she wasn’t? The nightmare. The mysterious force Finnley had felt. What if the burning horse was real? And Mia had gone after it.

Finnley stuffed the folder of drawings in his backpack and shut the locker. As soon as he left the school, Monica materialized beside him. “She’s not anywhere,” she said without preamble.

“I’m going back to Mr. Vaughn’s shop to talk to Henry,” Finnley said. He lengthened his stride, quickened his pace. Monica matched it with ease.

“Mr. Vaughn isn’t back — it’s still just Henry,” she informed him. “What do you really think he’s going to say?”

“I don’t know. He’s got to have some sort of advice. Maybe he was able to reach Mr. Vaughn the other day.”

“And if he doesn’t have advice? If he hasn’t talked to Mr. Vaughn?” Monica challenged.

Finnley didn’t want to think about how the situation would look if Monica was right. It left him in a perilous position with the terrible power of choice. He wanted to help Mia, but was doing the very same thing she had — plunging into the forest without any form of defense — really the right option?

“Maybe it’s the only option,” Monica said quietly, as if she had read his mind. She waited outside while Finnley pulled open the door, the shop’s bell sounding merry even in this dark situation.

“Henry,” he said, stalking towards the desk. Henry stood up instantly, as if sensing that something had changed.

“What is it?” he asked, and Finnley wordlessly handed over the note from Mia and the folder of drawings. Henry examined both, flipping quickly through the folder. “She’s gone?”

“I can’t find her anywhere,” Finnley replied. Despite Monica’s ominous words, he watched Henry with a kind of painful hope, an expectancy. He wanted so badly for there to be an easy solution.

Henry eyed the note, eyed Finnley. “I’m not Mr. Vaughn. I trained with him, but I’m still an amature. This is too far out of my realm, and it’s too far out of yours too. The safest thing would be to wait until this is over. Tell the girl’s parents. Alert the authorities. Let them do the searching they can. Mr. Vaughn will be back soon, and he can deal with the magical aspects of it.”

“Thanks Henry,” Finnley said quietly, then turned on his heel. Of course that was his answer. He should’ve expected it.

“Finnley,” Henry said, calling his attention back to the young man. He at the desk, looking through the drawers. He pulled at a sharpie and gestured for Finnley to come closer. “Roll up your sleeve.”

Confused, Finnley pushed up the sleeve of his sweater. “Sometimes,” Henry said, looking Finnley in the eye, “rebel youngsters don’t do what they’re told. I don’t need to read minds to know what you’ll do. May as well be safe while doing it.” Henry began to draw a spell on Finnley’s forearm, and he could sense what it was about before it was even finished. It was a defensive spell. It was one more intricate than the spells Finnley had seen, and it looked to be more powerful, too.

“It doesn’t look like they normally do,” he said to Henry.

“It’s a bit too advanced for you,” he replied with a slight smile, then began drawing something on his own arm. “It’s got a special part on it, a joint spell. It will allow either you or I to activate it, to cut it off. It will draw on both of our energy reserves, so be careful. The spell only covers so much, so don’t get into something you can’t get out of.”

“I… thank you,” Finnley said, astonished. He pushed his sleeve back down.

“If you really wanted to thank me, you wouldn’t go,” Henry said, but waved a hand at him. Monica was waiting outside. 


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Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:22 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Yo, Querencia! I'm back again to review. I've officially read all of the chapters now, but I've still got to scramble to critique them all, so let's get to it.

Monica looked at him solemnly. “I can check a few places — Mr. Vaughn’s shop, Mia’s house, your house — while you’re at school, but that’s about all I can do. If she’s not home by tonight, we need to meet up again. I don’t like the idea of her spending the night out in the woods by herself. It’s not safe there.”

“Me neither,” Finnley admitted, but he had to agree that, at least for the moment, there was nothing that either of them could do.


Yeah, this is a bit of a limp reaction from both of them. No kidding it's not safe. Finnley knows what kind of monsters lurk in that place; I don't get why he's not more frantic about it. I can't believe he'd just go to class like normal.

But maybe, despite how closely he had been watching her, the dreams had affected her in ways that he hadn’t seen.


You've not been watching her that closely, Finnley. You didn't even ask her what the dream was about.

The folder was filled with drawings of a horse. A burning horse. It peered out from the paper with fiery eyes in a way that almost made Finnley shiver.


Ahh, I was wondering when the subject of the horse would become relevant. Mia's odd reaction to the hoofprints makes more sense to me now. I'll be honest, I didn't expect the horse to be the subject of the nightmare - I was totally convinced that we were going to get unicorns! It's good that it took me by surprise.

As soon as he left the school, Monica materialized beside him. “She’s not anywhere,” she said without preamble.


Mia did say that she was going to the forest, so it seems odd that Monica disappeared to search everywhere other than there.

I trained with him, but I’m still an amature.


I think this should be spelt 'amateur'.

Aaaaand that's it for specific comments. It's a pretty good chapter - it's great to see the tension ratcheting up again - but I think you could push the suspense further than you have done. Finnley and Monica's reaction to Mia's disappearance was rather limp and very sensible. They do all the right things and don't act rashly and approach Henry for advice. It's good for them, but it does take a lot of the tension away when your characters are so measured and prepared. I feel like Mia's disappearance would've been more thrilling if it happened at the worst possible time, with both Henry and Mr Vaughn gone and nobody to turn to for help. It's no fun when characters act reckless and stupid just for the sake of conflict, but it would be good if you could limit Finnley's access to help by way of other means.

Still, this was still a pretty exciting chapter. I do wish we knew more about Henry. He's got lots of potential, but he's felt a bit under-used thus far.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sun Feb 25, 2018 9:52 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi! Here for another review for Team Blue.

Finnley's reaction:

I feel as though Finnley's reaction was a bit underwhelming. I'm imagine he'd panic, despite all the simmering worry and apprehension, to learn that Mia ran into the forest to confront her nightmares. And he's still very calm about this. He still goes on to class without really panicking a lot. Maybe he's panicking inside, but I do want to see more signs of it. I mean, even though he might be expecting something like this to happen, it might be a heavy blow anyway to learn about this.

I thought I could delve into Finnley's head more easily in the second half. It was easier to sense his agitation when he was with Henry and his confusion and surprise. My only critique there is that perhaps we could have a tiny little more elaboration of his feelings other than one-adjective descriptions.

Others:

I miss Finnley's blog entries lately. I don't recall if Finnley chose to stop blogging anymore, but if he didn't, I'd like to occasionally see them sprinkled at the top of chapters. Simply because I enjoy them! Anyway, I'm currently rereading Princess Academy, by Shannon Hale, and at the beginning of each chapter, there's a song that helps set the mood. Maybe you could try it out with your story. Just food for thought.

I'm so curious about this burning horse. It must be some bad demon or spirit, is it? And I wonder what Mia is going to do to face it. This feels especially ominous now because we're getting a hint for what Mia's nightmare is, and it feels especially dangerous. Right now, though, like I said above, I feel as though Finnley's reaction wasn't as strong as I liked and didn't give me the amount of panic I'd have wanted to feel. But I definitely want to know what's happening next. Maybe I'll be able to write one more review before the end of Review Day.

Hope this helps!

-Ink




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Mon Feb 19, 2018 3:33 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! It's been a while since I review this novel - am feeling nostalgic at the moment. x3

Alright, I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit confused reading the letter because of the em dash. Along with the quotation marks, I thought Mia is talking to Finnley. I think it's clearer if you write, 'Finnley,' with a comma instead of an em dash.

“Me neither,” Finnley admitted, but he had to agree that, at least for the moment, there was nothing that either of them could do.


I think the part after he admits it can be cut since it's repetitive. His dialogue doesn't indicate he's thinking differently than Monica since it only shows how he's also worried about Mia out there in the forest at night.

Also, I just have to note how I like the way Finnley cares about Mia. It truly shows with his actions, and while his expression so far has been one of calm or composed, his monologue, wondering and movements speak how much Mia means to him and how determined he is to find where she is.

Though the drawings were well made, the pencil strokes were hard and thick, layered over and over again to make the form of the horse.


I like this description. Not only it gives us something to visualize, but it also packs with a deep emotion, and I like that very much. I can relate to this as an artist, the need to make a the shape as clear as possible.

Monica materialized beside him.


So Monica can vanish and appear at will now? o.o When I first read about her disappearing into thin air, I thought she just moves so fast, but now I see it's her ability. I wonder if it's wise to showcase it in school though - what if someone sees her, rumors spread and she's isolated? o.o' It seems like there's a lot I missed since I read this. xD

Aww, I like Henry instantly. Of course, when he talks about not doing anything dangerous and tells this stuff to Mia's parents and let authorities handle this, he sounds like a typical adult. But then we're shown how perceptive he is about Finnley's behaviour and while his suspicion is correct than Finnley won't do as he is told, Henry doesn't exploit his 'adult privilege' and instead understands why Finnley wants to continue searching for Mia. Him equipping Finnley with an advanced defensive spell (which I still don't know how it works >.>) is so sweet and a plus to him, showing how he cares about Finnley.

I'm also curious about the mystery of the burning horse. Apparently Mia has been dreaming of it and Finnley suspects it's her source of nightmare. She even draws it, and if it's a nightmare, shouldn't she get away from it? Since she'd be afraid of it? But with the whole facing your own problem thingy, I understand if she wants to overcome her fear and all, and that showcases her personality well. I wonder what the horse actually means to her and perhaps it's not a bad creature? I just don't see how a horse can be threatening, even a fiery one. xD I guess we'll see.

Overall, I think everything moves slowly and you have put considerable focus on each character. Even Monica, I think I can see how natural she is to be closed with Finnley, even hinted to think the same way as he does. I particularly want to applaud you with your skill of seamlessly inserting actions in dialogues, because they are delivered naturally. The description in this chapter is also enough for me to visualize everything, so props to that too.

Keep up the good job! :D




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Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:18 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, not gonna lie, at first I still had this feeling Henry was going to be bad for some reason. I don't know what it is, unless it's still just because they really need Mr. Vaughn and he's nowhere to be found. Buuuuuuuuuuut Henry just wrote a protective spell on Finn's arm, so...

P.S. I love that he wrote it in sharpie.

I like the protective spell from Henry and the potential danger of Mia heading into the woods, plus her drawings of the flaming horse - I had forgotten about the hoof prints she showed him. However, the beginning of the chapter in particular didn't feel urgent enough.

I’m taking your advice. The only way I’m going to stop this nightmare is to confront it. Don’t worry about me unless I’m not back by tomorrow morning. Check the forest. If I’m right about this, then you’ll know where to start looking.


OH MY GOSH I WAS SO CONCERNED. And Finn's like, "Well, guess I'm just gonna go to school like normal." Like, bro. If ever there was a time to skip school, THIS IS IT. Mia's skipping school to head into a dangerous forest to look for a dangerous creature, and instead of immediately panicking and heading to Mr. Vaughn's shop and then going to look for her, you just go to school like normal?

COME ON, DUDE.

I know he's a good kid and everything, but he just didn't feel worried enough. That's his best right there, doing something incredibly dangerous and stupid. I wanna see more urgency about her disappearance!




Que says...


I wanted him to skip school too! I don%u2019t know why I ended up not doing it (probably because it would be more ominous if they were in there at night) but my next chapter still works if he ditches so maybe I%u2019ll just do that.




People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke