Hiya, Querencia! Pan dropping in for a critique on this fine review day.
One of us will get hurt and I’m going to feel terrible. It’s all going to be my fault.”
Just a comma splice.
“I don’t care if you feel bad about yourself,” Mia replied haughtily, but stopped when she saw Finnley’s serious expression and sighed. “You’re probably right. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She turned away from Finnley
I thought this was a bit of an abrupt change in tone. Mia goes from seeming really stubborn on the issue to suddenly relenting in the space of three sentences, which feels too quick. I also think she's strangely dismissive of Finnley's feelings here. I know that Mia can be a bit inconsiderate sometimes, but she's never been mean enough to outrightly say that she doesn't care how he feels. It seemed too out of character for her.
He didn’t want her out there doing stupid things — it would worry him half to death. It was times like these that he knew how his mother felt about him and his adventures.
Finnley confirmed to be Mom Friend.
They all ate and generally had a good time.
This needs more detail; it's not good telling. It can still be a summary, obviously, but you could give us more specific anecdotes about things that happened during this period, just so we get more of a flavour of how they spent the time.
She had seemed strict, and wanted nothing to do with Mr. Hart’s side of the family, probably due to estranged Uncle Fred. However, now she seemed to accept that he was family, and she was quite a nice lady.
Hmm, I'm kind of dissatisfied with this. I felt like it was a lot more interesting when there was an unspoken tension in Mia's family, and I don't see why this would just go away because Uncle Fred rescued them. Heck, it would probably make it worse. The only reason that the demon went for Mia's house was because it wanted to get revenge on Uncle Fred for capturing it, right? It's perfectly likely that she would blame him. Even if it's not fair, when people are injured and stressed they do look for people to blame.
In short, I don't really buy that they'd suddenly all be happy families. It's less interesting to read, as well. If Finnley went to visit Mrs Hart and had to endure the awkwardness of frosty family conflicts, the scene would probably become a lot more involving and purposeful.
he dug up an old pocket knife from some ancient time when he had done boy-scouts and tucked it into a hidden pocket in school backpack. Mia’s words had gotten him thinking, anyway, and he couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t need it to defend himself against the creatures.
Really, Finnley? A pocket knife against demons? You sweet summer child.
Anyhoo, that's all for specific points. This one feels like a bit of a slow chapter. I'm not fully sure why it needs to be here, because it didn't feel like any major developments happened - especially considering that Mia's plan to kill monsters was brushed over very quickly. Other than that, there's very little tension or conflict.
I don't think you should delete the chapter, though, because I think this is the perfect place to address the matter of Uncle Fred. We still haven't got a resolution to that particular family conflict, and I don't buy that they'd just say 'welcome back to the family!' and there wouldn't be any disagreements. As I mentioned earlier, the demon only attacked Mia's house because Uncle Fred had caught it. If Mrs Hart knew that, I don't think she'd be all smiley and happy and welcoming. I can't believe that Uncle Fred wouldn't be a bit bitter as well - he might think they only care about having him around because they want his protection. There's so many potential tensions left unexplored.
I think this issue relates to an overall thing I'm noticing about the story, which is the characters are all very nice. They're all very nice and sensible. They have their disagreements, but they're often resolved very quickly when people realise that they're being unreasonable. I don't think it really reflects the reality. Some people can never agree. Some issues can't ever be solved, not fully. I think you've sort of touched on that with Sylvie and Mia's fall out (which is why I hope you don't have those two fully repair their relationship), but I want to see you address it more consistently. Have more characters that don't get on or can't agree on something not because one of them is in the wrong, but just because there's no right perspective.
That's all for now. Hope this helped, and happy review day to you!
Keep writing!
~Pan
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