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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 19.3

by Que


Finnley sat in stunned silence for a moment, then spoke the words he knew he had to. “I’m not doing that.”

“What?” Mia asked sharply, probably loud enough to attract the attention of the man at the from desk, but he didn’t turn towards them.

“I’m not going with you, Mia,” he said. “I made a promise to my mother. Besides, we got in so much trouble just trying to defend ourselves from these things. Why go out and try to find them? Mia, I don’t know anything. One of us will get hurt and I’m going to feel terrible, it’s all going to be my fault.”

“I don’t care if you feel bad about yourself,” Mia replied haughtily, but stopped when she saw Finnley’s serious expression and sighed. “You’re probably right. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She turned away from Finnley, her ponytail falling across her right shoulder.

Now Finnley really did feel bad. He couldn’t possibly agree to her idea, since it went against everything he’d been trying to build, but he still didn’t want to let her down. “It’s okay, Mia, it’s a good idea, just... not the right time. We’re trying to settle down, readjust. You’re really brave, and I respect that, but it’s okay not to be strong enough to defeat these monsters. They aren’t attacking right now, so I think we’re okay if we back off. We don’t always have to be the heroes, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, still not looking at Finnley. He couldn’t tell how she felt based on just her voice, but it sounded like she was reluctantly submitting to his logic. Good. He didn’t want her out there doing stupid things — it would worry him half to death. It was times like these that he knew how his mother felt about him and his adventures. “Pizza’s here,” she added, looking towards the window.

The two of them went to collect the pizza, and Finnley paid for it since Mia had left her wallet up with her family. He gave the delivery boy a little tip, mostly because he was pretty sure the job was monotonous and tedious, and he was grateful for his own eccentric, magic training job. It was a much more exciting line of business.

The two friends headed back up to where Mia’s family was waiting on the pizza. They all ate and generally had a good time. Finnley kept an eye on Mia, but she seemed to have returned completely back to normal. After a little while, he began to relax. She had let it drop, thank goodness. He settled back in his funny blue hospital chair and enjoyed his mushroom pizza.

On the occasion when he had first met Mrs. Hart, Finnley was honestly scared of her. She had seemed strict, and wanted nothing to do with Mr. Hart’s side of the family, probably due to estranged Uncle Fred. However, now she seemed to accept that he was family, and she was quite a nice lady. She was witty and intelligent, and Finnley could see where Mia had gotten her sharp wits from. Her mother cracked jokes about her organs being in the hospital, but she did so in a way that made them wonder if she was really joking or if they would offend her by laughing. The joke was on anyone who fell for it.

Finnley was glad to see that the family could function so well, even in hard times, even around a hospital bed. He was glad that he had come. The trip had settled some of his worries, and he smiled around at the Harts. Time was sliding by, though, and Finnley knew for sure that he still had homework to get to. The others could sense it to, and they couldn’t all be with Mrs. Hart for the whole night.

“I’ll stay here,” Uncle Fred offered, “if you want to drive the kids home, John?”

“Sure thing,” Mr. Hart said easily, groaning a bit as he pulled himself out of the chair. “Mia, Finnley, are you two ready?”

“Yes,” Finnley said quietly, drowned out by a cheerful “yep” from Mia.

Mr. Hart twirled the car keys around his finger as they walked down to the car. He gave the man at the front desk a little wave, but once again, he hardly noticed. Not great for a hospital, Finnley noted, but it soon passed from his mind. He stared out the dark window of Mr. Hart’s car as he chattered away, thinking about nothing.

The lights from a police car flashed up ahead — they had a car pulled over by the side of the road right where the speed limit decreased by ten miles per hour. The police in this town seemed to be notoriously bored, and never had anything better to do than to nab people for speeding and watch the goings on at the school dance.

Only when Mr. Hart fell silent did Finnley realize that Mia hadn’t been responding to his idle chatter either. The two of them both had other matters on their minds. Finnley touched Mia’s shoulder and she turned, watching him with dark, steady eyes.

“You alright?” he asked gently. She nodded, and her lips curled upwards in a smile.

“When people get too used to you talking all the time, they get concerned when you want to be quiet for a bit,” she said by way of explanation, and Finnley had to laugh at that. It was a quiet laugh, as befitted the moment, and it made Mia laugh right back.

“It was nice to see you guys tonight,” Finnley commented.

“You too,” Mia replied, and Mr. Hart agreed. Finnley got out of the car when they reached his house, waving goodbye and then fishing his keys for his pocket. He let himself into the dark house and shut the door behind him, locking it again.

After he finished his homework that night, he dug up an old pocket knife from some ancient time when he had done boy-scouts and tucked it into a hidden pocket in school backpack. Mia’s words had gotten him thinking, anyway, and he couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t need it to defend himself against the creatures. Or if Mia felt inspired to drag him into the forest one day after school. For some reason, its weighty presence in his bag didn’t make him feel any better.


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Sun Feb 25, 2018 8:46 am
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Querencia! Pan dropping in for a critique on this fine review day.

One of us will get hurt and I’m going to feel terrible. It’s all going to be my fault.”


Just a comma splice.

“I don’t care if you feel bad about yourself,” Mia replied haughtily, but stopped when she saw Finnley’s serious expression and sighed. “You’re probably right. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She turned away from Finnley


I thought this was a bit of an abrupt change in tone. Mia goes from seeming really stubborn on the issue to suddenly relenting in the space of three sentences, which feels too quick. I also think she's strangely dismissive of Finnley's feelings here. I know that Mia can be a bit inconsiderate sometimes, but she's never been mean enough to outrightly say that she doesn't care how he feels. It seemed too out of character for her.

He didn’t want her out there doing stupid things — it would worry him half to death. It was times like these that he knew how his mother felt about him and his adventures.


Finnley confirmed to be Mom Friend.

They all ate and generally had a good time.


This needs more detail; it's not good telling. It can still be a summary, obviously, but you could give us more specific anecdotes about things that happened during this period, just so we get more of a flavour of how they spent the time.

She had seemed strict, and wanted nothing to do with Mr. Hart’s side of the family, probably due to estranged Uncle Fred. However, now she seemed to accept that he was family, and she was quite a nice lady.


Hmm, I'm kind of dissatisfied with this. I felt like it was a lot more interesting when there was an unspoken tension in Mia's family, and I don't see why this would just go away because Uncle Fred rescued them. Heck, it would probably make it worse. The only reason that the demon went for Mia's house was because it wanted to get revenge on Uncle Fred for capturing it, right? It's perfectly likely that she would blame him. Even if it's not fair, when people are injured and stressed they do look for people to blame.

In short, I don't really buy that they'd suddenly all be happy families. It's less interesting to read, as well. If Finnley went to visit Mrs Hart and had to endure the awkwardness of frosty family conflicts, the scene would probably become a lot more involving and purposeful.

he dug up an old pocket knife from some ancient time when he had done boy-scouts and tucked it into a hidden pocket in school backpack. Mia’s words had gotten him thinking, anyway, and he couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t need it to defend himself against the creatures.


Really, Finnley? A pocket knife against demons? You sweet summer child.

Anyhoo, that's all for specific points. This one feels like a bit of a slow chapter. I'm not fully sure why it needs to be here, because it didn't feel like any major developments happened - especially considering that Mia's plan to kill monsters was brushed over very quickly. Other than that, there's very little tension or conflict.

I don't think you should delete the chapter, though, because I think this is the perfect place to address the matter of Uncle Fred. We still haven't got a resolution to that particular family conflict, and I don't buy that they'd just say 'welcome back to the family!' and there wouldn't be any disagreements. As I mentioned earlier, the demon only attacked Mia's house because Uncle Fred had caught it. If Mrs Hart knew that, I don't think she'd be all smiley and happy and welcoming. I can't believe that Uncle Fred wouldn't be a bit bitter as well - he might think they only care about having him around because they want his protection. There's so many potential tensions left unexplored.

I think this issue relates to an overall thing I'm noticing about the story, which is the characters are all very nice. They're all very nice and sensible. They have their disagreements, but they're often resolved very quickly when people realise that they're being unreasonable. I don't think it really reflects the reality. Some people can never agree. Some issues can't ever be solved, not fully. I think you've sort of touched on that with Sylvie and Mia's fall out (which is why I hope you don't have those two fully repair their relationship), but I want to see you address it more consistently. Have more characters that don't get on or can't agree on something not because one of them is in the wrong, but just because there's no right perspective.

That's all for now. Hope this helped, and happy review day to you!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 9:37 pm
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JoeBookman wrote a review...



Back for another review.

One thing that I have to say about your writing is that you have a great flow in your storytelling. Many writers get bogged down in description, dialogue, or just spend too long on a scene. Your timing is excellent and supports the momentum you've established.

Finnley is definitely growing on me. He's the kind of thoughtful, humble, well-meaning young man that makes you root for him to success. His even keel and rationality is a good juxtaposition with Mia, who clearly is almost none of those things (which isn't bad!)

One question -- how old are Finnley and Mia? In the previous chapters I got the impression they were somewhere in the age range of 11-13, but by the way they're talking now and indications like tipping and wallets, I'm inclined to think they're in the 14-17 age bracket.

He gave the man at the front desk a little wave, but once again, he hardly noticed. Not great for a hospital, Finnley noted, but it soon passed from his mind.


There is something up with that desk clerk. I am calling it. He's a monster or a bad guy or something.

You did a good job of using this chapter to wind down on some of the activity yet ramp up some of the tension. The suspicious desk clerk and the pocket knife both have me hooked in.

Joe




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Mon Nov 27, 2017 12:28 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



“When people get too used to you talking all the time, they get concerned when you want to be quiet for a bit,” she said by way of explanation


#same. Also if you have resting b**** face and you look sad or angry whenever you're not paying attention to what your face is doing.

I have to say, I'm really surprised Finnley put the kibosh on Mia's plan! So far he's sort of rolled along with whatever zany idea she's had, definitely more of a follower than a leader (especially in the wake of Mia's strong personality), and I'm kind of impressed with him for putting his foot down this time and going, "No, this is stupid and dangerous." I'm 100% sure he was correct to grab a knife as a precautionary measure, because I'm sure "no" won't keep a good Mia down for long. I'm curious to see how this goes - when he first said no, I thought this might be a source of tension between them as Mia tries to drag him along and he remains steadfast. Plus a source of internal conflict for Finn, because he doesn't want to do something dangerous and is torn between his well-being/his mother's well-being and Mia's friendship/making sure she's safe. But then at the end of this chapter we get him preparing to go along with her, just in case, so I'll have to see how this plays out.

(I feel like LMS is tops for us all introducing ideas that could create a lot of tension but then forgetting them or resolving them too easily, as I definitely find myself doing that.)

I'm sort of surprised Uncle Fred stayed behind at the hospital, since Mrs. Hart isn't his sister, but maybe he just wants to get to know her better now that they're all back together. However, the silence between Mr. Hart, Mia, and Finnley, the detail of the police car, and the darkness of the house gave the end of this chapter a nice, eerie feeling that I was kind of hoping would play out more. I'm not sure if I expected something bad to happen or if I just thought Finnley would be a little more on edge, but either way I didn't really get that.

Finally, this.

On the occasion when he had first met Mrs. Hart, Finnley was honestly scared of her. She had seemed strict, and wanted nothing to do with Mr. Hart’s side of the family, probably due to estranged Uncle Fred. However, now she seemed to accept that he was family, and she was quite a nice lady. She was witty and intelligent, and Finnley could see where Mia had gotten her sharp wits from.


At first it was quite tellish, but you redeemed it somewhat with the description of a specific joke that was more on the people who heard it than a regular joke for them to laugh at.





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