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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 19.2

by Que


Arriving at the hospital was like snapping back to reality. Finnley looked at his mom, at her tired smile and her hands on the steering wheel and wanted to cry. It felt as if he had something precious in those moments listening to that CD, and that whatever it was was now lost.

Finnley gave his mom a kiss on the cheek before pulling himself out of the car and walking into the hospital. "Here to see Emily Hart," he told the man at the front desk.

"Oh, right. She's on the second floor, in room nineteen," the man replied with a polite smile.

"Thanks," Finnley said, but he was already walking away, and the man was already typing something out on his computer. Finnley pressed the button for the elevator, then changed his mind and took the stairs. His shoes tapped against the green tile stairs, and that tiny noise echoed around the empty stairwell and knocked itself into Finnley’s brain. It made him feel lonely. He hoped that Mia would be there, visiting her mother.

The door was on his right, and it had a little smiley face on the door. He knocked lightly before pushing it open — it was left ajar, so he figured it was probably alright. Mrs. Hart was sitting up in bed with Mr. Hart on one side and Mia and Uncle Fred on the other. They all turned to look when Finnley came in, and he felt suddenly as if he had put on the spot.

“Uh, hi,” he said, leaning awkwardly in the doorway. He had wanted Mia there before, but now he almost wished he was alone with Mrs. Hart. “I was just coming to see how you were doing, it looks like you’re better—”

“Finnley!” Uncle Fred said, grinning. “Come in, come in! It’s so good of you to visit.”

Finnley walked over to where Mia and Fred were sitting and pulled up a chair next to them. Mia squeezed his arm reassuringly. “How are you, Mrs. Hart?” he asked, leaning towards her. She didn’t look bad at all, considering she was stuck in a hospital bed. On that note, she somehow didn’t have a bedhead. There were some bright looking cards on the bedside table, and she was sitting up and lookin around attentively.

“I’m doing just fine,” she said, smiling. “I should be released in a few days, and I feel much better now.”

"That's fantastic!" Finnley said, genuinely smiling.

"Wouldn't it be nice," Mia broke in, shooting Finnley a sly, slant wise look, "if we all ate dinner together?"

"Why, that would be lovely," Mr. Hart said. "Finnley, do you need to get home or could you stay with us?"

Mia discreetly stepped on Finnley's toes. "Ah," he said, trying to maintain eye contact with her father. "Yes, I can stay. I think my mom is working late again tonight, she won't mind."

"Great!" Mia spoke too quickly, but no one else seemed to notice. Uncle Fred looked like he twitched in surprise, but Finnley couldn't be sure. One thing he was sure of though, Mia was scheming again. "How about pizza?"

Mr. Hart shrugged. "That would be nice, we could order in. Do you think they deliver to hospitals?"

"Oh sure. Finn and I will go down to the front lobby and wait for it just in case they don't do room deliveries," Mia added.

"Sounds good to me," Mrs. Hart said.

"I'll order," Mr. Hart decided, pulling out his cell phone. "Do you all know what you want?"

"Cheese," Mia said with a wink at Finnley, and he suddenly remembered the day he had started at Mr. Vaughn's and promised Mia pizza. It seemed like it was years ago, but it was less than a month. It was impossible to believe.

"I'll go for mushroom, if that's okay with you guys," Finnley said.

Mr. Hart smiled at Finnley, exclaiming, "That's my favorite too! Perfect. And how about the rest of you?"

While the rest of the family ordered, Mia grabbed Finnley's arm.

"C'mon, Finn," she said, practically dragging him from the room. She opted for the elevator, where she held the doors politely for a patient being pushed in in a wheelchair. Although the elevator ride would have been fine for anyone else, Finnley felt tense and awkward, waiting to hear what Mia so clearly wanted to tell him in private.

After standing aside so that the nurse and patient could leave, the two exited into the foyer and found seats in a corner where they could watch the front doors, but were isolated enough that no one could easily overhear them. The man at the front desk was still typing away at his computer, seemingly oblivious to most things.

"Alright, what is it this time?" Finnley asked. The sterile smell of the hospital and the faded blue chairs added to his anxiety. The last time they'd messed around with schemes, her mother had ended up in here. It didn't bode well for whatever Mia had planned next.

Mia quickly skipped her eyes left and right, a double check that no one was listening in. "Look. I've been wanting your help with something. You know how my uncle was sort of documenting the monsters in the forest?"

"Yes," Finnley agreed. Fearing she'd gotten the wrong idea into her head, though, he quickly followed with, "and you saw what happened with that! You're not thinking of going looking for the creatures, are you?"

"Exactly," she breathed. She leaned forward, and her dark eyes were glowing with an inner flame. "I don't just want to document them, though. I want to find them and track them, hunt them down to make sure they can't hurt anyone."

"Mia, did you just hear me? Did you hear the words I just spoke to you two seconds ago?" Finnley hissed, feeling slightly panicked. "You attacked a monster with a baseball bat! You totally can't do this."

"I thought the baseball bat was pretty effective," Mia sniffed. "Besides. I know I can't do this, at least not on my own. That's why I'm bringing you!"


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Fri Feb 23, 2018 10:23 am
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Querencia. Pan dropping in again.

"Here to see Emily Hart," he told the man at the front desk.

"Oh, right. She's on the second floor, in room nineteen," the man replied with a polite smile.


Would it be that simple? Admittedly, I don't know anything about how American hospitals are run, but I wouldn't expect the receptionist to know where a patient was just based on their name. I'd expect them to ask something like 'what ward is she on?' first, and once they knew she was being treated for burns they'd be able to direct Finnley to the right place.

“I should be released in a few days, and I feel much better now.”

"That's fantastic!" Finnley said, genuinely smiling.

"Wouldn't it be nice," Mia broke in, shooting Finnley a sly, slantwise look, "if we all ate dinner together?"


The change in topic feels a bit abrupt here. I don't get why Mia looks so sly about it, either.

"Great!" Mia spoke too quickly, but no one else seemed to notice. Uncle Fred looked like he twitched in surprise, but Finnley couldn't be sure. One thing he was sure of though, Mia was scheming again. "How about pizza?"


Ah, right, so she's scheming. It does seem like a pretty daft way to go about it, though. If she needed to talk to Finnley, why couldn't she just say she was going to buy a coffee or a snack or something and get him to come with her? Going through the palaver of making them order pizza just seems a bit strange. Which I suppose Mia is.

"I don't just want to document them, though. I want to find them and track them, hunt them down to make sure they can't hurt anyone."

"Mia, did you just hear me? Did you hear the words I just spoke to you two seconds ago?" Finnley hissed, feeling slightly panicked. "You attacked a monster with a baseball bat! You totally can't do this."

"I thought the baseball bat was pretty effective," Mia sniffed. "Besides. I know I can't do this, at least not on my own. That's why I'm bringing you!"


Hmm, how do I feel about this? It seems a bit out of the blue. To be honest, I could totally buy that Mia would do something reckless in regards to monster-hunting if you took a different angle on it. If, say, she was so cut up and anxious about what had happened to her mum that she got fixated on monster-killing as a means to have control again. However, you've not really explored Mia's mental well-being in the aftermath of the attack, so her idea here just comes off as incredibly stupid rather than desperate. Which means it doesn't quite work for me. She's reckless and a bit naive, but she isn't an idiot.

There's also the fact that monster hunting is supposed to be what the Harts do, right? Fred wasn't just documenting creatures; he was trapping and killing them where he could. So it's a bit strange that Mia's acting like wanting to hunt them is suddenly a new idea of hers. Why doesn't she just ask Fred to teach her about traps and things? That seems a much more sensible idea than roping Finnley into it.

So overall, still an enjoyable chapter, but quite a confusing one. I don't think it's unbelievable in itself that Mia would want to get into monster-hunting, but I think you need to work more on giving her a concrete, discernible cause for her recklessness. I'll have to see how the rest of the chapter pans out.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 9:25 pm
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JoeBookman wrote a review...



Joe again.

All right, so from magic to mundane in the last chapter, and from mundane back to magic in this one. I like the ebb and flow you have going here and think you're balancing the two well.

They all turned to look when Finnley came in, and he felt suddenly as if he had put on the spot.


I get the feeling this line was directly inspired by experience because I have spent a lot of time with loved ones in hospitals and I definitely know this feeling. Really good job condensing a mix of emotion and expectations into a single sentence.

As I'm reading, I feel like you're glossing over your own characters and scenes in a lot of ways. It's likely because you've detailed them and their personalities in the past, but for me it makes many of them read as vanilla. Thusfar I only have a good feel for Finnley, Mr. Vaughn, and Mia. I feel like you could pend more time on imagery, too- not just in this chapter, but also the last. I'd like to see more of Mr. Vaughn's store, and I'd like to get a better sense of the hospital. You've peppered it with details, like the colors of stairs of tiles, but what is the [i]feeling[i/] and overall impression of the place? Is it cold, quiet and clean like a museum? Are there lots of windows get lost in as you walk, or are the hallways an echoing labyrinth? Does the smell of cleaners and all the muted colors make him feel like he's in some kind of daycare? (I've spent a lot of time in a lot of hospitals).

I already love Mia by the way...

You attacked a monster with a baseball bat!


With those words I knew I'd be reading more of this story. Your subtle humor saturates this story.

Joe




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Fri Nov 24, 2017 3:52 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



~rises from the mostly-dead-but-still-partly-alive~

Apologies because I don't have a ton to say about this and I'm still sort of fuzzy. But whatever.

So first of all I like Mia at the end, because that's just what I'd expect from her, especially considering she told Finnley early on that her family is monster hunters. Well, now she's really going to be one! And of course it's a terrible idea, but since when has that stopped her? I'm pretty sure Mia and Edna would get along famously.

(And Benjamin and Finn would just be running after them frantically, trying to stop them from doing whatever outrageous thing they were going to do next.)

Just because I have so little to say, I'd say that in future drafts you'll want to watch out for too much of this:

Although the elevator ride would have been fine for anyone else, Finnley felt tense and awkward


Not like it's a big deal, especially in small doses (like here, where it's literally just a short elevator ride), but we'll feel it more if you describe the feeling instead of stating it says the person who has 100% been doing this in her story as well

Finally, I'd expect to see more tension between Uncle Fred and the family. I know they know he was telling the truth/correct/not crazy this whole time now, and I know Mia's mom is in the hospital so maybe they'd all be nicer to each other than usual anyway. But still. This has to be a lot for Mia's family to take in, especially after so long spent in denial, and Uncle Fred's bound to harbor a little resentment for them thinking he was nuts for so long and cutting him right out of the family. Perhaps he doesn't quite remember how to be around people anymore, considering he was living alone with a demon for a really long time (as far as I can tell from the chapter where we met him). But I feel like he's been all smiles and no problem since the fire. So just an idea to keep in mind as you continue.




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Mon Nov 20, 2017 12:17 pm
BluesClues says...



~I have read this but please poke me for a review tomorrow or something, I'm not up to it right now but I have read it~




Radrook says...


LOLWROF!




Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud