Hiya, Querencia. Pan dropping in for what'll have to be a super quick critique because I've got to get to bed in like twenty minutes.
Finnley skimmed the message and deleted it. Dr. Lark hadn't contacted him in a long time, and he wasn't interested in talking to her now. He'd thought he'd left her behind when he moved, but of course she'd kept track of the blog.
I actually feel like it'd be cool if an emerging theme of this story was Finnley burying himself in magic and the mystery of the forest as a way to put off dealing with his emotions. That's kind of the vibe I'm getting at the minute, though I've no idea if you intend to actually explore it in earnest.
like how the floor seems to rush up to meet you when you fall
Generally, it's a good idea to avoid 'seems', because it always feels like it weakens the image for me. You could just have 'like how the floor rushes up to meet you when you fall'. Same comparison but more strongly expressed.
Luckily, the damage wasn't as bad as it looked. We should be able to move back in in a week or two."
Uhhh, that seems way too quick. Remember that there's not just fire damage to consider here. Water damage from actually tackling the blaze can really wreck a house as well - it's basically like having a fire and then having a flood, which is not good news. I've just been browsing Google for the aftereffects of fires, and one person has reported that a fire that caused moderate damage to just the upstairs of their house was forecast to take 1-3 months to repair. The fire at Mia's house was substantially more serious than that, so there's no way it would take so little time to fix it up again. Remember what I said about making sure that every dramatic development in the story has a proper amount of fallout. Don't try and force things back to the status quo or the danger becomes superficial.
Monica and Mia had now linked arms, and Finnley, feeling left out, held out his arm to Mia. She accepted it and became the center of their little group.
Envisioning this chainlink of buddies crammed onto the pavement is beyond cute.
The little bell above the door tinkled, as if signaling that they were entering a world entirely different from their own.
Didn't really get this comparison. Shop bells are a common thing, so I don't see why it would feel like it was signalling their entry to another world. Maybe if the bell sounded more unusual and distinct, this line would work better, but you'd have to actually describe what it is about this shop bell that means it has an otherworldly vibe.
That's all for specific comments. Boy oh boy, what is going on with Monica? She seems so lost. I'm trusting her again now, because I get the sense that she's more unmoored and uncertain than secretly insidious. I am really looking forward to finding out her secret. It's been building up a while, so I hope it's a good one!
Keep writing!
~Pan
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