z

Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 14.2

by Que


"Look, Mom," Finnley said uneasily, scratching at the back of his neck. "It's... it's harder than you think it is to explain."

"Would that be because it's complicated, or because you've been lying to me for so long that it's hard to get the truth out?" she replied.

Finnley winced at her sharp tone, but managed to get out, "Both, actually." His mom didn't say anything to that, and he sighed. "The heart of it is, we went to find Mia's uncle tonight because there are monsters in the woods."

Mrs. Bale scoffed. "Finnley, I know you didn't like moving to a new town, and I'm sure the kids will try and tell you stories, though you're far too old for it-"

"No, Mom," said Finnley, suddenly fierce. "It's the truth." His mother straightened just a little bit, and he could tell she was really listening now. "A little bit after we moved in, I started seeing Allie in the middle of the night. It was like a dream, but so, so real. I would follow her out of the house, each night getting a little closer to the forest. One night, Mia saw me, and I was so determined to follow my sister that I got mad at her. The next night, we made it to the forest, and Allie turned into a monster."

Now that the first words were out, Finnley was speaking faster, telling his mother how Mia had come to his aid and fought off the monster, then took him back to her house. He told her about the strange moving shop of Mr. Vaughn, and his mysterious hints that he had yet to figure out. He spoke of the drama at school leading him to meet the mysterious Monica, who had to be hiding something. Last of all, he told her about skipping homecoming and the fiery demon and how they had managed to destroy it.

He assumed that he would have to prevent his mother from commenting along the way, but she was at a complete loss for words. However, when several minutes had passed in an uncomfortable silence, Finnley leaned forward and laid a hand on his mother's shoulder. "Mom? Are you okay? I know it's a lot to take in... but you wanted to know. I told you. You've just got to believe it."

After another moment, she said in the softest of voices, "I believe it. Goodness knows how, but I do. If I- ugh. If I had known all along you were in such danger, I would've gotten us out. Maybe, even now, we should move out, go somewhere else."

"No," Finnley answered quickly. "No, I think it's too late for that. I feel like I'm a part of whatever this is now, and besides that... besides that, I have friends." He ducked his head with a little embarrassment at the end of that, but his mother smiled.

"Alright, I suppose it can't hurt any more to stay until the end of the semester. Then we'll see," said Mrs. Bale. "I don't really understand everything, but I don't know what I can possibly ask. I'm going to have a talk with Mia and her family after they're done with the hospital, though." His mom fell silent again, and Finnley took it as a cue to leave.

"Well, I'm covered in ashes, so I'm going to go get a shower and get some rest," Finnley said, standing up. "If you-"

"Wait just a minute, young man," Mrs. Bale said, pointing at the chair Finnley had just left. He promptly sat back down. "Just because there is magic going on and monsters and demons and all sorts of craziness, that is no sort of excuse!"

Finnley nodded mutely, his chin dipping down towards his chest with the weight of shame. "You still lied to me, broke your promises to me, and abused my trust. From now on, you need to tell me what's going on- I'm not going to punish you just for telling me the truth. And, since you broke my trust, you don't get to use the car for the next three weeks, and if you leave the house I want you to tell me where you're going. Don't think I won't check in with Mia's parents if that's where you say you are." Mrs. Bale's eyes were flickering with some sort of energy that hadn't been there in a long time.

"Yes Mom," Finnley whispered, shoulders caving in and eyes downcast. With those final words, Mrs. Bale's anger broke and exhaustion and worry swept in to fill the hollow where that wrath had been just moments before.

"I'm sorry, Finnley," she said, leaning forward to take his hand. "I just care about you too much. I don't want you getting hurt from this, and I don't like not knowing anything about it. I just want you to be safe. I don't want it to happen like..." She didn't finish her sentence, but Finnley knew what the unspoken words were. I don't want it to happen like it did with Allie. He sucked in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. It wouldn't do to think about the past. Not tonight.

"I understand," he said, and blinked hard against what felt like tears.

"I still love you, Finnley," she said, and she was actually crying. She pulled him into a tight embrace, ash covered clothes and all. "I will always love you, no matter what. I only want what's best for you- for both of us. We've got to work together, you and me. We're the only ones left."

With tears leaking out of the corners of his own eyes, Finnley clung tightly to his mother. She was right- she was the only person he truly had left. Sure he had Mia and Monica... but he didn't have a father, didn't have a sister. Only his mother. And Finnley knew that he didn't want to deceive her anymore; he never wanted to betray her trust again. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
641 Reviews


Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Donate
Thu Feb 08, 2018 6:15 pm
View Likes
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Querencia! Pan back again to review.

"The heart of it is, we went to find Mia's uncle tonight because there are monsters in the woods."

Mrs. Bale scoffed. "Finnley, I know you didn't like moving to a new town, and I'm sure the kids will try and tell you stories, though you're far too old for it-"


I feel like it's always a typical Teen Fiction Thing for the protagonist to tell the truth about some magical happening and the parents to be like 'oh, you're much too old to believe that'. I just wonder how realistic it is, really. I'm not saying she'd believe him, but I'd kind of expect a mother like Mrs Bale to have more of an uncertain and concerned reaction. It's not like Finnley's been short of trauma in the last few years, so I feel like she'd be concerned for his mental state. What he's saying does sound pretty delusional.

At the very least, I'd expect her to be a bit taken aback. Surely whatever excuse she was expecting him to come out with, it wasn't 'there are monsters in the woods'.

However, when several minutes had passed in an uncomfortable silence


Minutes is too long. Something you notice when you study real-life interaction is that silences are a lot, lot shorter than we think they - a pause of even a few seconds feels like an age, and it indicates some kind of severe conversational breakdown. Unless Finnley's mum is actually doing something within these silent few minutes, it doesn't work. There's no way she and Finnley would just stand there not speaking for that length of time - the awkwardness would be far too much.

In short, you should probably shorten minutes to seconds.

"No, I think it's too late for that. I feel like I'm a part of whatever this is now, and besides that... besides that, I have friends." He ducked his head with a little embarrassment at the end of that, but his mother smiled.

"Alright, I suppose it can't hurt any more to stay until the end of the semester. Then we'll see," said Mrs. Bale.


A demon just burned down Mia's house!! I know she's a Cool Mom, but not that cool, surely? If she's already lost one child, I feel like there's no way she'd let her son stay so close to something so dangerous. You'd have to give her a reason to do so. A reason stronger than 'he has friends here'.

That's all for specific comments. I am pretty pumped that Finnley's mum is going to be a part of this, because I feel like their little rag-tag team could do with a bit of adult supervision (proper adult supervision; it's not like Fred was much good at it). However, I think you need to work on her reaction to the truth, because it doesn't feel like it rings true to me. She's very quick to accept that magic exists. She's also not nearly freaked enough by the knowledge that a monster literally imitated her dead child and tried to entice her remaining child into the woods to kill him. You do have that little bit at the end about Allie, but I want to see Mrs Bale actually react to Finnley mentioning her. I don't think we ever get a strong enough insight into her grief.

There's also the fact that, like I mentioned, I don't think there's a cat in hell's chance that Mrs Bale could be persuaded not to leave. Monsters in the woods? Monsters that are specifically hunting her only remaining child? She'd be out of there like a shot. I don't know how you'd restructure the plot to give her a believable reason to stick around, but something needs to be changed. I don't think she'd put Finnley's friendships over his survival.

That's all for this review. I am excited going forward, but I think this is a chapter that may need restructuring in the future. Still, that's all part of the process.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




User avatar
624 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Donate
Thu Sep 14, 2017 12:01 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Querencia! GooseLuck here to do a review for you! Let's take flight, shall we?

The first thing that I noticed here was the dialogue. You describe it, but only after you use the more common he said she asked they yelled type of dialogue, and that's something that you could work on or change if you so choose. What I mean by this is that you could describe it without saying those regular dialogue connecting pieces, and change it around a bit. I find that this could give you more emotion within your dialogue, to make us really feel for the characters more than what we do now, but there's a chance I'm wrong and this is strictly just style preference, so this is completely up to you. Anyway, onward.

The next thing is the progression of the chapter. It starts off pretty alright, but towards the middle it kinda dips. This could just be me and my ADHD, but it does seem to dip off towards the middle and that's something I figured I should mention.

The next thing would be the ending, it does pretty okay and the suspense of it really gets me, so props for that.

Overall I think this is an interesting and good story, that could use a few tweaks and such, but what story couldn't?

I think that's all I have to say on this and I hope it helped! Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on!

Sincerely, GooseLuck!




Que says...


Thanks for the review!
I didn't want to use way too many different dialogue connectors, so I always try to get a good balance, but I'll read through and check up on it. I do know that I need to change dialogue orders and get out of my comfort zone, I haven't started that yet but maybe sometime. Meh, it kind of is style preference, but more for the ease of the author than for the joy of the readers.

I'm doing this for the LMS competition, so chances are that the progression/pacing will be really off for every chapter you read, but thanks for letting me know the specifics of it so I can return to edit one day.

Thanks!



Casanova says...


It's not a problem ^_^



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:43 am
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



Awwwwwww.

So when we were here

"No, Mom," said Finnley, suddenly fierce. "It's the truth." His mother straightened just a little bit, and he could tell she was really listening now. "A little bit after we moved in, I started seeing Allie in the middle of the night. It was like a dream, but so, so real. I would follow her out of the house, each night getting a little closer to the forest. One night, Mia saw me, and I was so determined to follow my sister that I got mad at her. The next night, we made it to the forest, and Allie turned into a monster."

Now that the first words were out, Finnley was speaking faster, telling his mother how Mia had co


I was going to suggest, since the reader knows all this, to just paraphrase what Finn tells her. But then you ended up doing exactly that here

Now that the first words were out, Finnley was speaking faster, telling his mother how Mia had come to his aid and fought off the monster, then took him back to her house. He told her about the strange moving shop of Mr. Vaughn, and his mysterious hints that he had yet to figure out. He spoke of the drama at school leading him to meet the mysterious Monica, who had to be hiding something. Last of all, he told her about skipping homecoming and the fiery demon and how they had managed to destroy it.


so excellent job. I often find myself explaining junk the reader already knows, and eventually I'm like, "UGH THIS IS SO BORING" and cut it all out and just say things like, "She told him everything" and move on.

I liked the energy in Mrs. Bale's eyes, because I remembered that she'd already lost a daughter and she has to work so hard to provide for herself and her son and she just tries to smile and be supportive through the whole thing. The line about the energy that hadn't been there in a long time really made me remember all the stuff she's been going through and how she's probably felt really lost and alone throughout it all (not to blame Finnley, but it's true, I'm sure) and then she's probably felt further isolated by Finnley kind of pretending everything's fine, but now that she's finally hearing the truth... It was just nice.

Although on that note: wow, I kind of forgot all about his sister. Like, monster-sister was a way to introduce us to the main plot, but I feel like she's been nearly forgotten since then. Ditto Mr. Vaughn - we haven't heard about Finnley's job since that woman came to the shop soaked and upset, I'm pretty sure. I'm sure you'll get back to that eventually, but just something to be aware of going forward, that for now those two fairly major things have been put on the backburner.

(Not that I can talk, since talk of my antagonist has been put on the backburner. Ahem.)

Image




Que says...


Thanks!

I'm glad I did the summary thing well, I've been trying to find a good way to do that. Does it work better with a snip of dialogue before launching into a summary like I have there?

Mm also, hopefully what happened with Allie will come more to light when certain characters get involved and talk with Finnley... I'll steer it back in that direction a bit. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with Mr. Vaughn, and though I have a few ideas, I'm not sure how to strongly tie him to the plot and such. Do you have any suggestions for that?

(And ugh I totally need to catch up on your amazing novel <3)



BluesClues says...


Yeah, usually I do see (or do it this way myself) just a snippet of dialogue prior to a summary. Either:

- the second character asks or says something that launches the first character into their entirely paraphrased explanation or
- the second character asks or says their thing, then the first character starts talking, which launches them into the rest of their from that point paraphrased explanation.

If that makes sense. You had a sentence, disbelief from Finn's mom, and then a whole paragraph, which is why I at first worried it was going to be an entire conversation of things I already.

I have no concrete suggestions for Mr. Vaughn, although since he deals in antiques maybe he has something that could be used to fight the monsters/trap the monsters? Or a very old local book that has information about the monsters/their origins. Or something.

Do you know what the woman came to him for? Because that was something interesting and obviously involving something odd about the shop/Mr. Vaughn, so if you know that I feel like it might be a good place to start, even if it's not directly related.




It's a dramatic situation almost every time you answer the phone—if you answer the phone.
— Matthew Weiner