Hiya, Querencia! Pan back again.
There was just the ghost of a smile on her face, and she gently pushed his hands away. "I know what I'm doing," she replied calmly. "I can get to the living room from a door in the kitchen; Fred is going to wait outside, and I need you to come with me so that we can get Mia and her family out safely."
Fred nodded sternly and patted them each on the back for good luck.
Surely Finnley would take more convincing than this? 'I know what I'm doing' isn't a particularly strong argument. Also, why isn't Fred more incredulous about the whole situation? Why isn't he trying to dissuade her from doing this? Unless he can sense something about her that the others can't.
Monica sprang to a doorway and looked through, holding her hand out to prevent Finnley from going past her. He could tell by the heat that he was getting nearer to the demon, and quickly shucked off his jacket. "Wait here, and stay quiet," Monica directed him in hushed tones. "I'll make sure Mia and her family get towards you. Remember: I'm just the distraction. I'll be fine, but if you make any sudden moves, the demon will look towards you and then our plan is dead. Got it?"
Finnley nodded mutely, then gave Monica a quick, tight hug.
I feel like this whole scene needs to be pacier. The house is burning, it's absolutely thick with smoke (smoke inhalation is the number one cause of fire-related deaths, by the way!) and it's absolutely searing hot. They'd need to act and act quickly.
Finnley peered around the corner of the door, and what he saw was a scene of utter destruction. Most, if not all, of the plants in the room were burning, creating a forest of fire which was terrifying to behold. Flames licked the ceiling, turning the white paint black, and the air shimmered with a simmering heat. The demon took up almost the whole of the living room, even with wings closed, and its eyes and its heart were the only spots of light in the writhing mass of black ash. Finnley got the haunting feeling that if the room didn't smell like smokefrom the demon's fire, it would reek of decay and the smell of ancient things.
Nice description. Maybe scrap 'terrifying to behold', because you shouldn't really be telling me that it's terrifying, but I love the image of a 'writhing mass of black ash'.
He touched his daughter's arm, and together they helped Mrs. Hart into the kitchen and behind the counter with them, where they knelt down on the floor.
Get! Out! Of the house! Before you're asphyxiated from the smoke!
"No one hurts my family," he replied gruffly
This line is a bit too Hollywood for my taste.
"It's red and blistering, but not much more than that... I'd say it's a second degree burn. Not too bad, but we should call 911 anyway. Mia, you do that now. John, you wash up with me and we'll get some cool water on that leg and maybe a bandage. Finnley and Monica? Make sure all the other fires are out. Be very thorough."
They'd all need to be checked over. Smoke inhalation only takes about fifteen minutes to kill, depending on the density of the smoke, and even if it isn't fatal it can cause vomiting, nausea, headaches and even neurological problems like seizures and brain damage. Still, I'll stop labouring the point. The chapter just needs a bit more research behind it.
The end of the chapter is a bit quick, as well. Given that they'd be completely stunned and shaken up, it seems odd that Mr Hart would immediately raise the point of Fred coming back to the family. One thing at a time, man. You just almost burned to death.
Props to Monica and her nerves of steel! She dealt with that demon like a champ. I was expecting something a teensy bit more dramatic, though, if I'm honest. I thought we were going to find out the truth behind her spooky oddities, given how many hints you were dropping, but none of that really came into it. Still, on the other hand, I'm quite glad you held back, because it does mean you keep the intrigue going.
That's all for this review. Keep writing!
~Pan
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