z

Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 13.3

by Que


Finnley blinked, then looked back and forth between Monica and the burning door. "Monica! You can't go up against that thing, it's a demon! Didn't you see it setting fire to the entrance?" he hissed, grabbing her shoulders.

There was just the ghost of a smile on her face, and she gently pushed his hands away. "I know what I'm doing," she replied calmly. "I can get to the living room from a door in the kitchen; Fred is going to wait outside, and I need you to come with me so that we can get Mia and her family out safely."

Fred nodded sternly and patted them each on the back for good luck. Then he left them alone in the house. A scream sounded from the adjacent room, and Monica dragged Finnley into the back of the house. She nimbly avoided the debris that littered the hallway, leaving Finnley to try his best to keep up behind her.

Monica sprang to a doorway and looked through, holding her hand out to prevent Finnley from going past her. He could tell by the heat that he was getting nearer to the demon, and quickly shucked off his jacket. "Wait here, and stay quiet," Monica directed him in hushed tones. "I'll make sure Mia and her family get towards you. Remember: I'm just the distraction. I'll be fine, but if you make any sudden moves, the demon will look towards you and then our plan is dead. Got it?"

Finnley nodded mutely, then gave Monica a quick, tight hug. Surprised, she patted him on the back a little helplessly. "Good luck," he whispered, and it was her turn to nod. As she slipped into the room, Finnley felt a sudden fear, just a tightening of the chest, a constricting of the lungs, and it was not for him or his mother's car this time.

Finnley peered around the corner of the door, and what he saw was a scene of utter destruction. Most, if not all, of the plants in the room were burning, creating a forest of fire which was terrifying to behold. Flames licked the ceiling, turning the white paint black, and the air shimmered with a simmering heat. The demon took up almost the whole of the living room, even with wings closed, and its eyes and its heart were the only spots of light in the writhing mass of black ash. Finnley got the haunting feeling that if the room didn't smell like smoke from the demon's fire, it would reek of decay and the smell of ancient things.

Worse than all of that, though, was the sight of the Harts. Mia's mother was on the ground, head barely visible from behind the counter, and Mia was hovering over her with a look of shock and horror plastered on her face. Finnley could feel his own face contorting to mirror her expression, and his heart started galloping. Mr. Hart was standing between his wife and daughter and the demon, though his determined expression wavered a little bit more each time he looked back at his family.

Monica slipped into the kitchen, then grabbed possibly the only potted plant not currently on fire from the sink where it was lying. Then, reaching under the sink, she pulled out a bright red fire extinguisher and held it pressed to her back with one hand. She crept towards the back of the demon, and just as it opened its great mouth to shoot fire at the Harts, she hurled the plant at the ground nearest the demon, sending bits of broken pottery flying everywhere with a single crash that made Finnley jump.

With a roar that shook the house, the demon whipped its head around to face Monica, who was moving fast again. She had her back pressed up against the wall opposite Mia's family and was shuffling sideways, still keeping the fire extinguisher out of sight. She nodded decisively, and though she didn't take her eyes off the demon, Finnley knew it was time to get Mia and her parents out of there. Careful not to move too much, he caught Mr. Hart's eye and made a "come here" signal with his hand. He touched his daughter's arm, and together they helped Mrs. Hart into the kitchen and behind the counter with them, where they knelt down on the floor. Finnley could see now that Mrs. Hart had a severely burned leg and was bearing it bravely.

There was a sudden whoooshing sound, and Finnley's attention turned back to Monica, who had was pointing and spraying the fire extinguisher at the demon. The demon made a higher pitched screaming noise and reared up. In an instant, Monica had dropped the extinguisher and pressed herself against the window. Fingers pressed against the glass, she was slowly inching it up. Finnley wanted to call out to her, but remembered what she'd said about keeping the demon focused on her and held his tongue.

The demon, opening its mouth once more, advanced on Monica. Just as flames erupted from its mouth, she ducked and rolled out the window. Furious, the demon reared up once more, exposing its chest, and that's when Fred took the final shot. The heart of flames leaped up, then sputtered out as the demon collapsed into a heap of ashes.

After a moment, Finnley shook himself. "Monica!" he cried, tripping over the ashes at his feet as he tried to run for the window.

"I'm here!" she replied, standing up on the other side of the window. She was covered from head to toe with the ashes of the demon. "You are too," she said, pointing at him, when she'd noticed his stare.

Finnley managed a smile as he tried to calm down. He was about to say something else when Fred came in. He stood in the doorway where had Finnley had only just stood, covered in soot with gun in hand, looking grim but relieved.

"Fred!" Mr. Hart exclaimed, voice full of wonder. "Fred, I don't believe it!"

"No one hurts my family," he replied gruffly, scratching the back of his neck. Was he... embarrassed? For the first time, he noticed Mrs. Hart on the ground. "Alice! You're hurt!" He quickly knelt down beside her to examine it, though he was careful to keep his dirty hands far away. "It's red and blistering, but not much more than that... I'd say it's a second degree burn. Not too bad, but we should call 911 anyway. Mia, you do that now. John, you wash up with me and we'll get some cool water on that leg and maybe a bandage. Finnley and Monica? Make sure all the other fires are out. Be very thorough."

Finnley was amazed at how quickly Fred had assumed control of the situation. He immediately went to his work, trying to take his mind off the close encounter they had just had with the demon.

"Fred?" Mr. Hart was saying as he washed his hands in the sink. "I think it's high time you've come back to the family."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
641 Reviews


Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Donate
Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:25 pm
View Likes
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Querencia! Pan back again.

There was just the ghost of a smile on her face, and she gently pushed his hands away. "I know what I'm doing," she replied calmly. "I can get to the living room from a door in the kitchen; Fred is going to wait outside, and I need you to come with me so that we can get Mia and her family out safely."

Fred nodded sternly and patted them each on the back for good luck.


Surely Finnley would take more convincing than this? 'I know what I'm doing' isn't a particularly strong argument. Also, why isn't Fred more incredulous about the whole situation? Why isn't he trying to dissuade her from doing this? Unless he can sense something about her that the others can't.

Monica sprang to a doorway and looked through, holding her hand out to prevent Finnley from going past her. He could tell by the heat that he was getting nearer to the demon, and quickly shucked off his jacket. "Wait here, and stay quiet," Monica directed him in hushed tones. "I'll make sure Mia and her family get towards you. Remember: I'm just the distraction. I'll be fine, but if you make any sudden moves, the demon will look towards you and then our plan is dead. Got it?"

Finnley nodded mutely, then gave Monica a quick, tight hug.


I feel like this whole scene needs to be pacier. The house is burning, it's absolutely thick with smoke (smoke inhalation is the number one cause of fire-related deaths, by the way!) and it's absolutely searing hot. They'd need to act and act quickly.

Finnley peered around the corner of the door, and what he saw was a scene of utter destruction. Most, if not all, of the plants in the room were burning, creating a forest of fire which was terrifying to behold. Flames licked the ceiling, turning the white paint black, and the air shimmered with a simmering heat. The demon took up almost the whole of the living room, even with wings closed, and its eyes and its heart were the only spots of light in the writhing mass of black ash. Finnley got the haunting feeling that if the room didn't smell like smoke from the demon's fire, it would reek of decay and the smell of ancient things.


Nice description. Maybe scrap 'terrifying to behold', because you shouldn't really be telling me that it's terrifying, but I love the image of a 'writhing mass of black ash'.

He touched his daughter's arm, and together they helped Mrs. Hart into the kitchen and behind the counter with them, where they knelt down on the floor.


Get! Out! Of the house! Before you're asphyxiated from the smoke!

"No one hurts my family," he replied gruffly


This line is a bit too Hollywood for my taste.

"It's red and blistering, but not much more than that... I'd say it's a second degree burn. Not too bad, but we should call 911 anyway. Mia, you do that now. John, you wash up with me and we'll get some cool water on that leg and maybe a bandage. Finnley and Monica? Make sure all the other fires are out. Be very thorough."


They'd all need to be checked over. Smoke inhalation only takes about fifteen minutes to kill, depending on the density of the smoke, and even if it isn't fatal it can cause vomiting, nausea, headaches and even neurological problems like seizures and brain damage. Still, I'll stop labouring the point. The chapter just needs a bit more research behind it.

The end of the chapter is a bit quick, as well. Given that they'd be completely stunned and shaken up, it seems odd that Mr Hart would immediately raise the point of Fred coming back to the family. One thing at a time, man. You just almost burned to death.

Props to Monica and her nerves of steel! She dealt with that demon like a champ. I was expecting something a teensy bit more dramatic, though, if I'm honest. I thought we were going to find out the truth behind her spooky oddities, given how many hints you were dropping, but none of that really came into it. Still, on the other hand, I'm quite glad you held back, because it does mean you keep the intrigue going.

That's all for this review. Keep writing! :D
~Pan




User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Mon Oct 30, 2017 2:44 pm
BluesClues says...



Lol a ghost of a smile.

Also "our plan is dead," but I don't think that was on purpose.




User avatar
373 Reviews


Points: 46306
Reviews: 373

Donate
Sun Sep 03, 2017 5:05 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello Que!

Sorry for the delay--I read it a looong time ago and then forgot to review. Anyway, hooray for Fred and Monica, who managed to defeat the demon! :D And it was a lovely ending too! I'm looking forward for what happens next.

One thing that puzzled me a little was how Monica could get out to the other side of the window (which I assume is outside) if she could climb it up. Maybe it's just my misunderstanding, but I am a tiny bit confused, so maybe you could look into it? :) I wonder if it's part of Monica's power to be able to climb up windows--because I remember that glass is slippery. But that'd be so interesting if she could!

I also felt as though everybody was *too calm* here. I mean, everybody should be terrified, right? Even Uncle Fred, because this monster is ATTACKING his family. And Monica, even though she knows what to do. And Finnley doesn't seem to be as scared as I imagine he might be (I don't think he gets scared at the tip of a hat) but because of all this destruction and how this demon is SO dangerous.

Maybe you could expand where "He immediately went to work" with a little more description so that you could show the destruction of the aftermath, how dangerous is this demon. This house is completely wrecked, I imagine. I'm also wondering if later (in the same scene or when everybody's managed to group together) they have to explain to the Harts and Finnley's mom about what was going on and WHY Finnley and Mia didn't go to homecoming after all.

Hope this helped and let me know if you have something to say :D~

-Ink




Que says...


Hm hm, that's all very sound advice, and I will definitely take it into account! Whenever it may be when I rewrite, maybe in a thousand years. XD
Uh, the whole window thing? I feel like you meant this part: "In an instant, Monica had dropped the extinguisher and pressed herself against the window. Fingers pressed against the glass, she was slowly inching it up."
Did you read that as "inching up it" rather than "inching it up"? Because she's just slowly pushing the window up- she's opening it so she has an escape. If that's a superpower, then I am officially a superhero. ;) But I get the misunderstanding. If it was something other than that, let me know!

Thank you much for the review! :)



PrincessInk says...


Oh--maybe I misread it as "inching it up" xD Sorry for misreading!



Que says...


No problem, I thought it was pretty funny actually. Maybe she should appear at the window of Finnley's second story bedroom and announce that she is a window climber and freak him out. XD



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:07 pm
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



"Fred?" Mr. Hart was saying as he washed his hands in the sink. "I think it's high time you've come back to the family."


Oh, Fred, we thought you were so nuts that we kicked you out of the family, but now that you've saved our lives...

I mean, if I were Fred, I'd want them to be a little more apologetic. As it is, I want them to be a little more apologetic. Alternatively or also, they could wonder why the heck Fred, a Grown Up, was safely outside while Monica, a teenager, ran into a burning building to face a demon and save them.

(I mean, I know what part he played, but the Harts were huddled in terror at the time, so...)

Also:

"No one hurts my family," he replied gruffly, scratching the back of his neck.


For the first time, he noticed Mrs. Hart on the ground. "Alice! You're hurt!"


*snort*

Okay, so all that said, I thought this chapter had some of the most beautiful language since early on, when Finnley followed that thing into the woods. I particularly liked these lines, although when we got to the demon's heart and eyes I realized I don't really know what it looks like (beyond "black with wings").

As she slipped into the room, Finnley felt a sudden fear, just a tightening of the chest, a constricting of the lungs, and it was not for him or his mother's car this time.


Flames licked the ceiling, turning the white paint black, and the air shimmered with a simmering heat. The demon took up almost the whole of the living room, even with wings closed, and its eyes and its heart were the only spots of light in the writhing mass of black ash. Finnley got the haunting feeling that if the room didn't smell like smoke from the demon's fire, it would reek of decay and the smell of ancient things.


(especially the last sentence of that one)

But then you also had a lot of telling in this chapter, like all the plants on fire "terrifying to behold" and "a scene of utter destruction." You did actually go on to describe the scene of utter destruction, but things like "what he saw was" and "there was a..." sort of distanced me from the scene when I can see that you've got a clear picture of what it looks and sounds like. In a future draft I'd want to see (says the person struggling with this right now oh God) more precise description.

Finally, I had some trouble with how easily things came to Monica and even Finnley. Technically I guess whatever Monica magically knew how to do could be chalked up to...whatever it is about her, her powers or whatever, but since I don't know anything about them yet (except that there's something weird/magical about her) it was hard for me to swallow that. How did she know where the Harts kept their fire extinguisher? How did she dive into a burning house with a fully-formed plan in mind? How did she know just what to do to destroy (temporarily delay?) the demon? For that matter, if she did destroy it, if all it took was her distracting it long enough to expose its heart so Fred could shoot it, why the heck didn't Fred destroy it before instead of trapping it?

With Finnley it's more like

He could tell by the heat that he was getting nearer to the demon, and quickly shucked off his jacket.


how did he know that heat meant the demon was near? Considering he's the one who knows the least about everything that's been happening in the story, and heat could mean any number of things (and the house is on fire, which, I mean, HEAT).

It just kind of reminded me of when I read The Dark Is Rising, and basically throughout the entire series the solution is always something Will "somehow magically knew what to do." Which eventually just gets tiresome. I mean, here it was one scene, which is fine. But watch out for that, because too much of it feels like a form of deux ex machina, where unexpected and unearned knowledge, instead of a character or thing, comes out of nowhere to save the characters.

Image




Que says...


Honestly, I spent the whole day trying to figure out how to respond. XD (don't get me wrong, it was a totally fabulous review!) Ugh I feel like my quality has been going down bit by bit, which was why I was so pleased with those bits of description you pointed out. In other writings of mine, I had toooooo much description and not enough action or dialogue, so I've tried to tone it back, and am still trying to strike a proper balance! I've become focused on plot, even though it's not that fantastic. I always appreciate your suggestions, though. :)

I felt like Fred couldn't really be angry at them because he understands, and the situation is such that there isn't room for that? Though I feel like it's kind of one of those cheesy things again (like the monster hunter bit), I couldn't think of a better way for Fred to be welcomed back to the family, which was the ultimate goal. Hm, I see your point about Fred being outside. Maybe they'll be confused as to his being there? Also, I figured he was just safely outside because he was less impulsive than Mia.

Uggggh. (That's a me ugh, not a you ugh) Telling. That's definitely a problem that people have been pointing out recently. I'm telling it from Finnley's perspective, but having trouble making the story belong to him, even making his emotions belong to him. What do you think would help with that? Having more physical descriptions of his emotions, like the chest tightening bit? Or something else??? Mm I'll definitely go for some more precise description.

About the fire extinguisher thing, I totally didn't intend for that to be mysterious or magical. I just thought everyone kept them under their sinks like we do? Upon doing research, most fire extinguishers are in the kitchen because that's where fires are most likely, so maybe I'll just make it mounted on the wall and very visible instead. I didn't mean for her to have a fully-formed plan (even I didn't have one!), rather she just wanted to assure Finnley that she did so he wouldn't worry? If that makes sense. I was thinking her plan was pretty much solely distraction and getting out the window, and she happened to use whatever tools were on hand for that? What do you think would help me make it seem more spontaneous and risky? Also, Uncle Fred trapping it before was necessary to the plot, but the demon was in its natural home and area of strength (the forest) and being much more careful with its heart to avoid getting shot there. That's why he took it home, because that would be an enclosed space where he could get a clear shot. Pretty much. Maybe I should make that clearer when Uncle Fred is discussing it?

Oh the Finnley and his jacket thing, I'm not even sure why that demon but is there? I just wanted a feel for the heat a bit and I think I just needed to put something else in the sentence, I can (and will) totally change it.

Thanks for the tip! I was trying to make it seem like people knew what to do, but I'll try to make it a bit better. I wanted Monica to look capable and also confident, but I can see how it slipped over into "everything is perfectly set up and magically done" a bit.

Oh my goodness thank you so much, I am so so sorry for ranting and dumping all this on you. Just the struggle of LMS I guess, but I sonappreciate all of your help. <3



BluesClues says...


"Just the struggle of LMS" omg I know those feels, man, I know those feels.

I'm telling it from Finnley's perspective, but having trouble making the story belong to him, even making his emotions belong to him. What do you think would help with that? Having more physical descriptions of his emotions, like the chest tightening bit? Or something else??? Mm I'll definitely go for some more precise description.


Okay, so I do think that more physical description of his feelings would help for a start - rather than telling us how he's feeling, you'd want to mostly show us how he reacts to things physically, even if it's something small (like his chest tightening) that other people wouldn't notice. You can also use some figurative language to describe his feelings sometimes. Like instead of "terrified," think about what "terrified" feels like in this specific situation. So just as examples, feelings likened to being trapped, drowning, walls closing in, etc.

Then for overall description, more precision! Like in this chapter, the part where you actually described what the fire was doing to the room, and that bit about the smell. I feel terrible giving any description advice whatsoever, because I'm typically so bad at it myself or just kind of skip out on it a lot of the time, but oh well. If you can incorporate more specifics and concrete descriptions like that, it'll help eliminate some of the telling ("a scene of destruction") and can also enhance the overall suspense and pacing and language and, well, just everything.



Que says...


Oh my goodness thank you so much. <33 I think if I get the emotions better, it will add to overall description, but I'll definitely try to add in more scene (and people!) descriptions. Good luck on your LMS too, I'll try to catch up on it at some point!



BluesClues says...


Thanks! :)




You can not put the entire Bee Movie in the quote generator.
— alliyah