Hi, Querencia. This'll be my last review of the night - and my 300th review of all time! Quite the honour to meet such a milestone by way of your lovely novel.
"Monica! What the heck are you doing in my car?" Finnley screamed
Gotta admire Finnley. Even when a random girl pops up on the back seat of his car, he keeps his language kid-friendly. Can't relate, but I've got to hand it to him.
Mia, who had been sitting calmly this whole time, twisted in the passenger seat to face Monica. "You're the one who told Finnley that Sylvie and I had a history," she said flatly.
Eh, I find it kind of weird that Mia doesn't have any notable reaction. I know she's never as perturbed by crazy situations as Finnley is, but I'd expect her to still be taken by surprise at a completely primal level. It sort of feels like you couldn't be bothered to spend time making her react.
Monica shrugged, looking a bit uncomfortable with Mia turned around and Finnley glancing at her in the rearview mirror.
Slightly clunky sentence - it took a few read-throughs to get what it meant. Could do with rephrasing.
"Look," she said, splaying her hands. It looked more like she was bracing herself than a comforting gesture. "Sometimes... sometimes I just know things, okay? It's like intuition, I can sense that something is coming. Somehow. Like this evening. I was walking to the dance, and happened to pass by your house, when I got the feeling that you were going to do something. I- I hid in the car while you were inside. And you yourself mentioned where you were going, your uncle's, just a bit ago," Monica added.
And the surprises just keep on coming! I really like this development - it goes a long way to explaining the vague oddness that surrounded Monica when she was first introduced. It's also cool that it's not full-on clairvoyance, as well - more just like a general sense that Something Isn't Right. That must be a really sucky power to have, I must admit. Like having anxiety except all of your bad feelings actually have traction.
But when Finnley looked back in the mirror, she was actually wearing a simple dress, with the top cut very much like a t-shirt, just nicer. He must've been imagining things.
What now? Clairvoyance isn't the limit of her powers, it might seem. I actually think you could cut out 'he must've been imagining things', because it almost draws too much attention to the moment and makes us think that he definitely wasn't imagining things. You could keep it subtler, so that it's the kind of moment we only notice in hindsight. Like, if you had this:
But when Finnley looked in the mirror again, he realised she was actually wearing a simple dress, with the top cut very much like a t-shirt, just nicer.
It's only a suggestion, and it's obviously up to you if you use or not, but I think by saying Finnley 'realised' she was wearing a simple dress, it makes it seem more like it was a mistake on Finnley's part rather than a physical change. The oddness of the situation is less blatant.
"Not to offend you, Monica, but we don't really know you at all. I mean, I really appreciated your advice the other day, and thank you so so much for that, but we just talked a little and you don't even know our goal-"
"I'm passionate about cheese," Monica smiled as she cut him off, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Now keep driving!"
1) Maybe make it clear that Finnley is saying the former bit of dialogue. I did manage to work it out, but I was confused for a moment beforehand.
2) The cheese comments seems a little random, though I sort of get why it's there. Is she basically saying 'there, you know something about me now, stop complaining'? If that's the case, it could be set up a bit more cleanly. If Finnley said something along the line of 'we don't really know a thing about you-' and she cut him off by saying 'I'm passionate about cheese' then the transition would probably work better.
Good that we have a cheese lover in the cast, though. This I can relate to.
He naturally wanted to be suspicious of Monica, but her smile had a disarming effect, and besides, there was something... something earnest and honest about her that made him trust her as well.
'Earnest and honest'? You mean she's cute, Finnley.
"I don't like this," Monica murmured, pulling her coat tight around herself- since when did she have a jacket with her? She must've put it on after she'd gotten out of the car.
This is better than the first Strange Clothing Occurence. It's less on the nose.
"You can't come in," the voice was weary, but there was steel in it. There would be no yielding on this point. Mia saw it too and made a show of stomping away.
"Goodbye, Uncle!" she called loftily. There was a shadow at the front window for a moment before it disappeared. Then, the three of them crept around of the side of the house. They did so nearly in unison, not needing to be told. As luck would have it, there was a side door.
I struggled to follow this ending. It just seemed a bit disjointed, and I couldn't fully follow Mia's motivations. Maybe it's because you don't signpost the oddness of the situation enough. As far as I can gather, there seems to be something wrong with the uncle, something that's immediately obvious from how he talks. However, you don't give us quite enough of Finnley and the others' reactions - we get a sense that they're a bit uneasy, but nothing specific. I don't know. It just felt a bit odd to read.
That's all for now. Pretty good chapter segment overall! I love the revelation about Monica and I like that we're delving back into the creepy, supernatural side of the plot after our teen-drama detour. I'd just encourage you to drop less obvious hints about Monica's clothes-realated oddities and try and make the ending a tad clearer.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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