Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
I
Morning I
fuck this hand
this cyst
drain, drown
Midnight I
sip this drink
this death
drain, gone
Naked I
watch myself
disgust
goodbye
II
I dream of floating on the surface of the Thames in the 17th century
What joy it would give to lap that water up
Could someone spare a ticket for Flight 571 in 1972
I've always wanted to see the Andes
When I was young,
I wanted to be an astronaut
So put me in the Challenger
Mission 10, if you wouldn't mind
73 seconds of bliss
Or just walk me to a goddamn bridge
III
I am made in the image of my Father
I am incompetent and lazy
I am perplexed by the work of my hands
Its failure is my own design
I have listened to the praise of imbeciles
I have welcomed it with mirth
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
First off, hi.
Secondly, ugh. This is so nice.
Part I appropriately describes the fractured, thoughtless type of sloth that creeps up on everyone at some point in life. Sometimes daily, sometimes even as we're aware and ashamed and try to step out of it. I think you probably could find a stronger closing word with a bit more thought, but "goodbye" in its simplicity is adequate and honest.
Part II is really satisfactory in the set of tragedies you've chosen to gather together to get your point across, but I think the tone of the writing comes across not as nonchalant but amateur in a way? Like "if you wouldn't mind" seems less charming and more like filler words.
Part III is pretty much untouchable -- it's gorgeously telling and I just really like the juxtaposition between being disgusted at one's own actions but still like being aware that they're disgusting. That's real life. Fairy tales, we know what's wrong and we just don't do it. Life, we know what's wrong and sometimes we just do it anyway. The only line I'd suggest you take another look at is this one:
Just because if it's referring to the "hands" from the previous line, Its should become Their. If it's referring to something else, it is getting tangled up with the hands line in its current placement, so is there a better place in the stanza for it?
Thank you so much for sharing this piece. Please reply here or feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments about the review.
Hannah
The title doesn't reveal that much, what the poem is all about.
Yo, Quentin!
I didn't mind this so much since it delivers the whole "screw God look at all the crap he's pulled if he's real" jargon in a decently-flowing and refreshed package--maybe a bit edgy for some tastes--but decent all the same. One clear and definitive critique is that it's entirely defined by its heavy-handedness and, take it or leave it, that's going to follow the piece to its grave unless toned down. Personally, I don't mind it so much. Others will.
Part III is the best executed and balanced, but the strongest in imagery is II. I is outclassed by its edginess to really pull much off in my book. Though I will say that starting off with the hook:
is either going to grab attention, or tell the reader "I'm looking for attention." I'm hoping it's the first.
All in all, a generally well done concept, but the execution is like shouting into a microphone at max.
Hope this helps,
Ty
I think I hear a Lament. Did you want me to catch any more meaning than that, or just make me feel it? If the latter, then excellent job, and revealed in nifty ways, especially in Stanza 2
I don't suppose there is anything more to glean.
ok!
It is a thoughtful lament though, that's what made me think perhaps you had something specific in mind you wanted to say, but never quite captured the thought poignantly.
Have a good one tho, and yes it would be cool to live in some century past, but maybe for not as long as we'd like to think!
Well, the idea is just about pain and the thoughts that coincide with pain. The second sketch is ironic. In the 17th century the Thames was so polluted that most everyyhing in it was dead. The theme is suicide, hence all yhe allusions to tragedy and the last line about being led to a bridge. I didn't realise I was being that obtuse.
I did see the suicidal bridge part. Although I thought you meant you would enjoy going boating down the Thames, since in the next line you personified (as if you were still alive) what joy it would bring you to lap that water up. I did not know about the pollution the Thames characterizes, so you should definitely insert a little portion about the toxidity for us who may not know how this historic tidbit is playing into the poem. That's probably why I felt I was missing something in there, and will probably communicate the whole poem perfectly just by adding that alone.