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The Girl of Dreams - Prologue

by Queenie


As the sun descended, sinking into the horizon, its rays melted in hues of burnt orange and blood red as its colors spread throughout the field, morphing into spirals of fire and clearing a circle in the center of the land. The fire moved to the outer rim and briefly left a small opening as a stout man with opulent, violet clothing entered the ring.

The man knelt down, knees to the ground, gaze lowered, hands grasping a letter. His body trembled for a fleeting moment that could easily be missed with the blink of an eye. A new column of fire burst inches from his face, and from the flames emerged a figure of fire in the shape of a man’s face, yet no one would ever dare to mistake him as simply a man.

“You have summoned me, my god” stated the plump man gesturing to the piece of paper that he gripped too tightly, hoping that this encounter would end without regret.

“Ah, yes. In the coming times, the Kingdom of Magnoria will face troubles like never before. The kingdom will be tested in ways only seen in the wickedest nightmares. War will tear this world apart and Magnoria will be no exception, it will fall and perish, crushed under the thumb of another. Magnoria will be no more,” explained Ray the sun god with an odd disinterest.

The man grimaced. Pain clearly etched in his skin from his deepening frown to the worn, weary lines of worry to the dark glint in his eye. At that moment, he was unable to form words. The shock of the future, of losing everything he loved, of losing his kingdom, placed a heavy weight on his tongue, forcing him into silence.

Ray chuckled at his struggle and continued, “However there is another option, a way to avoid the death of this kingdom, a way to modify this prophecy to secure your throne.”

King Darian raised his eyebrows, a new spark replaced his fear. Intrigue captured his mind. Greed stole his soul. He would do anything to preserve Magnoria and his crown.

“From the ashes, a girl of dreams will be born, one who will someday be the key to saving the kingdom from eternal ruin. But all good things come with a price,” he said, his lips curling up in a cruel attempt at a smile.

“Anything, anything you want I will give you,” answered Darian quickly, not skilled in hiding his desire and want for endless power.

“That’s what I was hoping you’d say,” his eyes glimmered with flecks of embers as he continued, “On this day, every year, you will hold a grand celebration in my honor with a sacrifice worthy of the safety of your kingdom. If you fail to do so, you might just see your weapon slip away”.

“Done,” Darian instantly agreed, for he reasoned that a little blood spilled would be much better than the whole kingdom’s.

The face of flames disappeared and with it the column of fire. In its place lay a newborn baby girl covered in ashes and wrapped in a parchment scroll engrained with an enchanted rhyme. King Darian scooped up the baby in his arms as he walked the rest of the way to his castle. He would raise the girl as his own in the protection of the castle walls.


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395 Reviews


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Wed Jun 03, 2020 3:10 pm
HarryHardy says...



Ooops! Accidentally posted the same thing twice.




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395 Reviews


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Reviews: 395

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Wed Jun 03, 2020 3:10 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (Depending on where you are), I'm Harry. This is kinda my first review so I hope I do okay.

So on with it,

"rays melted in hues of burnt orange"

I feel that it should be "into hues of burnt orange". That sounds better.

So that was a very poetic opening paragraph. Sounded pretty good.

"he gripped too tightly"

I think this would sound better in past continuous. So "he was gripping too tightly"

"wickedest nightmares"

"wickedest" just sounds a little awkward. Maybe "darkest". It's not wrong or anything just sounds a little weird.

"The man grimaced. Pain clearly etched in his skin from his deepening frown to the worn, weary lines of worry to the dark glint in his eye. At that moment, he was unable to form words. The shock of the future, of losing everything he loved, of losing his kingdom, placed a heavy weight on his tongue, forcing him into silence."

I love the way that's written. It conveys his shock really well.

"not skilled in hiding his desire"

I feel that saying something like "unable to hide his desire" would be better there.

And that's all I can see.

So take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.

Overall this is really interesting and your language is beautiful. Definitely looking forward to reading more of this.

Peace,
Stay Safe :)
Harry




Queenie says...


Thanks for the review!



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome



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Thu May 28, 2020 5:57 am
potter4life says...






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17 Reviews


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Reviews: 17

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Thu May 28, 2020 5:57 am
potter4life wrote a review...



Hi @Quennie! i am @potter4life and i am here for a review! I just wanted to point out some things you can improve on for this story!It was really interesting so good job on that!

So firstly,you should try to put a line for the sentences so it is easier to differentiate the speech and narrative!
Like so,

“You have summoned me, my god”

stated the plump man gesturing to the piece of paper that he gripped too tightly, hoping that this encounter would end without regret.

As you can see there is more space and makes it clearer to see and read!

Here is a funfact you could use for the speech next time,really up to you.

for example,just using one of the speech written

"From the ashes, a girl of dreams will be born," He said,"one who will someday be the key to saving the kingdom from eternal ruin. But all good things come with a price,”

So you know more fancy and also the readers can "breathe"


Anyways,hope my review was helpful and yeap BAII




Queenie says...


Thanks for the review!



potter4life says...


Your Welcome:]Glad to help



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Wed May 27, 2020 10:22 pm
Shadeflame wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Shadeflame here to review your story, but you can call me Shade. I might nit-pick a few parts, so don't be offended. Everything I say here is to try to improve your story. Also, you are the author, so you can take all of my suggestions, discard them all, or do any mixture of them.

I really liked your plot! It seemed interesting, and it intrigued me and drew me in. I liked the idea that the sacrifices were needed to keep the girl on his side. It seemed to me that they are the things that would turn her away though, so I look forwards to see what you do with it.

There were some issues with the punctuation, and the wording though and I'm going to give you some.

As the sun descended, sinking into the night, its rays melted in hues of burnt orange and blood red as its colors spread throughout the field morphing into spirals of fire, clearing a circle in the center of the land.

This was confusing to me the first time that I read it. I didn't really understand what happened. After reading it again, I realized that the rays turned into fire. Maybe you could try to make that a bit clearer? Also, I don't really get how the sun could "sink into the night." I get that you were trying to make it sound poetic, it's just you might be better off using a word like "horizon" instead of night.

You should put a comma here at the end of field and take away the one after spirals of fire, instead replacing it with an "and" to help it read better.
as its colors spread throughout the field, morphing into spirals of fire and clearing a circle in the center of the land.


hoping that this encounter would end without bloodshed, without sacrifice, without regret.

Instead of listing all those things, maybe you should just put "without regret" because all the earlier things seemed to be in that category and it would read better.

When you put
Magnoria will be no more,” explained Ray the sun god quite calmly despite the horrors he predicted.

I feel like you should put "explained Ray the sun god with disinterest" or something like that. The original just seemed off to me and interrupted the flow.

The man grimaced, and his eyes blinked back troubled waters.

What does this mean, troubled waters? Again, I realize you were trying to sound poetic, but it doesn't really work. Plus, I don't feel like this man would be crying. Although, maybe he would be, I don't know.

Yet he was unable to form words, the shock of the future, of losing everything he loved, of losing his kingdom, placed a heavy weight on his tongue, forcing him into silence.

This sentence is a bit too long, so maybe you could condense it?

King Darian raised his eyes,

I think you meant raised his eyebrows.

“Anything, anything you want I will give you,” answered Darian quickly, not skilled in hiding his desire, his want for endless power.

You could replace the comma after desire with an "and" or rephrase the sentence.

The rest was pretty good, and I look forwards to seeing the next installment of The Girl of Dreams!
If I sounded harsh, I'm sorry, I told you I would nit-pick. Again, these are all suggestions and feel free to use them as you would like.

Keep writing!

-Shade




Queenie says...


Thanks for the review!



Shadeflame says...


You're welcome!




"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites