Egara was a world of empires. Of fights, war, and humanoid gods. This empire was one of the largest and cruelest. They kill for the sake of chaos. Yet, it wasn't always this way. It only happened because of a victory of pain. A victory...That wasn't a victory. The empire lost too much money and supplies. They were the ripe apple on the tree. Easy pickings. So, another war broke out and they lost brutally. They were taken over and faded into a new, larger, empire. They had to get used to their new lives or they'll get killed.
Three hundred years later, nobody dared to fight this empire. Every dictator was as bad as the rest. It would've been a peaceful reign if there wasn't internal conflict. Assassins tried to kill the king, but they failed. Heroes tried to get rebellions started, yet they were too afraid. Then the last hero came with so much charisma and hope. A rebellion began with two words.
"Never known."
After all, who wanted to be forgotten in the space of time? Not these people who fought so hard to just stay alive. And so, a fight of blood, tears, and hope began. Nothing would ever stop them besides the death of the hero. Yet, the hero was arrogant. Kind and loving, but has a serious case of hubris. They wanted to be known in this world as the hero that won. The hero that never died. So, they went to a witch.
They approached the shack in the slums. "If I defeat you once in two rounds, would you grant me a wish?" They asked.
A person turned around. "Yes," The witch said, just as arrogantly as the hero. So, they fought for two days. Never stopping for a break, drink, or food. This was the first round. The hero lost.
"Give me two more days for the next fight." The hero said.
"Sure," The witch said.
The next fight was an awful loss for the witch. They didn't know how they lost, for they were supposed to be unbeatable! The most powerful being in the whole empire!
"How did you win?" They demanded.
"I will only answer if you grant me the wish," The hero said.
"And what is your wish?" The witch asked.
"Let me best death god, Dre'armi," The hero said. Dre'armi is remembered as the most powerful of the gods.
The witch begrudgingly complied. The witch wants to never die for anything short of old age.
"Be warned, for you can only die from a person who could be your equal. Nothing less, nothing more. Be warned, Leopoud Sigurd," The witch said. The hero nodded and the ritual began.
After it was done, he didn't feel different, but he believed he would truly not die. After all, who would defeat him? They were the most powerful hero.
"I used an anti-magic charm I found in an obscure book," He said, as was part of the deal.
"When you get back, burn all those books," The witch demanded. He agreed.
Years past and Leopoud defeated the king. The villagers asked him to be the new emperor. He instantly agreed for he loved the power the position gave him.
Ten years past and the new ruler never grew old. The world turned around and the kind turned evil and the evil turned kind. The hero that all praised turned into the person he swore to defeat. A tyrant.
Two hundred years past and the tyrant never grew old. Immortal as the stars in the sky. He became bored with the same situations over and over again. So, he killed and caused pain and chaos to get rid of his boredom. Nothing could defeat him, but maybe you could?"
She closed her tale and looked at her audience full of kids. Everyone seemed to look around in fear of being heard. This was a rebellion, but who would care? After all, surely none of these kids would defeat a man much older than them.
"Mrs. Neige?" A boy raised his hand.
"Yes, Cy?" The lady said.
"Why did you tell this story?"
"To tell the truth," The lady answered and she walked away. The children of the future just stared and whispered. Was it true? They didn't know, but their parents told them to praise the king. Was this the reason?
Twenty years later, a child from that same group told the same story.
Eighty-seven years later, the story is still spread with secrecy. Nobody repeated it outside of their own family. After all, what would happen if the tyrant heard? Would they come to kill them? Would they torture and break them?
Who knew what would happen if the tyrant heard?
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Cool story. I don't really know how to critique it because writing and peoples different styles are subjective, but a couple things I noticed were your description and the scene with the hero and the witch. You give the reader a pretty good understanding of the world of Egara within the very first few sentences, but it has a lot of possibility to be expanded, as you only state the most general facts. Also some of the sentences seemed to just be robotic, static facts (just my opinion) that have the potential to be more smoothly weaved in to have more of an effect on the reader. Finally with the scene with the witch and hero The transition from the retelling of Egaras history to that scene seems a bit disjointed and the dialogue is slightly choppy, as well as there is a lot of free space for more description. Otherwise I enjoyed it and you have a pretty solid and intriguing beginning for both an entire world and story.
Hi Queen(can I call you Queen?),
First of all, I'm really entrigued by your imagination. It's like you have a world of your own, full of witches, vampires, and heroes. I wish I can see more of those worlds and more of your imagination through this piece! However, since your dialogues are too short, it is hard to connect with the characters and know what is going on in their minds.
Furthermore, I think you should put more emphasis on describing their actions, for example the battle between the witch and the heroes. Was there a lot of bloodshed? How did they fight? What really happened during the battle. Going into details would help a lot with the imagery.
I get that it is your first chapter and first chapters are really important in setting the scene and characters. You want to hook the readers, you need to make sure that they can feel connected to the story.
Yet, I must thank you for this piece. It reminds me a lot of my childhood and dreams. Savor your imagination and I hope you continue with this!
Hello—I'm going to start off this review by saying that I admire the level of creativity you've used throughout this story. I think it has a lot of potential, and I wholeheartedly believe you can develop this into a larger, much, much more amazing world.
I have quite a few notes, however—and before I list them, I want to make it clear that my notes are in no way meant to be utilized. They're simply meant to analyze the things you did in your writing, and they're meant to highlight things you could describe better, or otherwise may need to make alterations to.
To begin with—this is merely something I noticed—your style is very straightforward and a little bit simple. There's nothing wrong with this, however, I would be careful about how you word things, as being too casual in something aimed at the adult demographic would hinder your writing and make it seem less authentic. I think you should try and work on writing in a slightly more sophisticated way. For example, "Egara was a world of empires. Of fights, war, and humanoid gods. This empire was one of the largest and cruelest." It is a gripping sentence, yes—but in my own opinion, it is a little bit too straightforward.
Something like this may work, if you're going for a darker tone: "Egara, homeland of the once brave chevaliers, fell prey to war, famine, and greed. The grounds that it touched, once teeming with life, withered, so beaten that not even love could free them from strife." This is a rough example and is in no way meant to criticize your writing style—it is merely a suggestion.
I do have some questions, too; Was this chapter meant to be a prologue? Or an official first chapter? If an official first chapter—was the main character supposed to be Cy? If not—who is? I ask because Mrs. Neige and Cy are the only named characters here. Will they be making a comeback? Or were they just temporary characters used as a sort of narrative device?
This is just a note for the plot—If I do, indeed, know where this is going, I'm excited for what's to come. However, I do have this note: What notes you may have on culture, such as for the gods and religion like the mention of Dre'armi, should be very gradually sprinkled throughout the story. You could just have it where the name is mentioned now, and then in a conversation express through one of the characters just how powerful that god would be.
In the story part in italics, I also recommend not outright saying how the character felt.
"They didn't know how they lost, for they were supposed to be unbeatable! The most powerful being in the whole empire!" It's too much at once. Part of writing a story is expressing feeling without outright saying it, so the reader can feel more connected by relating to the way those feelings are described. Something like this may work, if you're trying to express dismay in the witch; "There was a loud, dull thud as the witch landed on the unforgiving ground—their heart gripped in the wretched hand if bewilderment, beating wildly against its bone cage. No words exchanged for seconds, minutes, what felt like hours as the reality set in with a bleeding cruelty. The course is but run. And victory was no longer theirs to keep."
Overall, the story was interesting, and I'm curious to see what will come of it. You are under no obligation to adhere to my notes, however, I thought they would be important. Thank you for writing this! I'll be happy to read more of your work! ^^
Happy writing!