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Young Writers Society


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Thrallmagic: Chapter 10

by TheCrimsonLady


Chapter 10

I hiss when Serafine tugs on my hair. Murmuring an apology, she goes back to creating two tiny braids at the front of my head. Fastening them at the back with a pin, she combs through the rest of my hair one last time before pronouncing me ready. I stretch, and wince, massaging my neck with one hand. My nails bite into my bare palms as I worry about Lord Cyan and Lindon. I’ll see them when we go to the temple in a few hours. Serafine brings the dress I am to wear out, and I stand up. The black satin brushes against my skin, making me shiver. When I’m finished dressing, I retire to my bedroom to wait for someone to come get me at my mother’s command. Dismissing Serafine, I open a book about the law of Valkyr and try to read. Unfortunately, I can’t concentrate, and the words blur together on the page. Finally, I give up trying, and go to the window. Sitting down on the window seat, I pull my knees up beneath the fabric of my dress and rest my head against the cool glass. In the horizon, the sun is setting. I unchain the window and push it open. The music of faerie pipes reaches my ears, like a silver ribbon flying on the breeze. Pale and light, it relaxes me, and the pounding behind my temples disappears. I close my eyes and try to think about how to deal with Cyan.

He might ask me to ally with Lysian, against my mother, who had pushed for a very informal trade agreement in the Council session held this afternoon. The atmosphere in the throne room progressively became more and more tense as my mother and the head diplomat argued. I had cut in, but her dislike of vampirekind became apparent. Rumours are already floating around court that she is planning to attack Lysian, or that she has an alliance with Ciardis, the elf-land. The latter must be true, with her urging me to settle things with Blathen. Shuddering at the thought of his long looks and bruising hands, I put politics out of my mind, knowing that I will soon have to be the nicest I can during the carriage ride to temple.

I look out the window, and in the distance, I see the columns of the temple rising up in the heart of the city. It seems to glow red with the light of the setting sun. Braziers flicker on the roof, and the inside of the temple glows a warm, pleasant yellow from the many torches and candles. In the palace courtyard, a nobleman and his lady laugh, and when he presses his lips to hers, I sigh wistfully. My entire life, I’ve known that I will marry for the country, and not for love. Sometimes, though, I wish that I could have a choice. I shake my head, smiling at my own thoughts, and sit up when I hear the knock at the outer door. Serafine, who is in the sitting room, opens the door, and I hear her converse with whoever is at the door. Closing and chaining the window shut, I take the fur cloak laid out on the dress form. As I pull boots and gloves on, Serafine opens the door to the sleeping chamber and peers in at me.

My lady, Lord Cyan is here to fetch you to go to the temple.” I nod and follow her out to the main door. Cyan stands there, flanked by two faerie guards who look wary, their hands tight on the hilts of their swords. He bows, his face betraying nothing about our conversation last night.

Your highness, they sent me to fetch you. The carriage is ready, and Queen Guinevere has sent word that she will be unable to come.” He sounds politely disinterested, but he watches me carefully as he speaks. “Lord- ah, Prince Lindon will be accompanying us instead.” Inwardly, I wince, not wanting to know if Lindon is still angry with me. All the while smiling hospitably, I curtsy to Cyan. After fastening the furs at my collarbone, I take Cyan’s proffered arm, wanting to ask what he meant last night, but not able to because of the guards. Thinking for a second, I say, “Did you sleep well last night, Lord Cyan?” I yawn and look at him significantly.

Indeed, although it was rather late before I got to my rooms.” He looks at my expression, and although is voice is still disinterested, his eyes bore into mine and his arm tightens ever so slightly. We step down the spiral staircase in unison, the guards trailing a step behind us.

Really?” I smile politely at him, maintaining the façade of friendly small talk. “What were you doing up so late?”

He grins devilishly. “The capital of any country is a very interesting place, your highness. There are many ways to amuse oneself.”

I finger a strand of my hair to keep from clenching my fist. “Indeed there are.” I roll my eyes at him, pretending to be mildly disapproving. I search my mind for how to phrase my question. “Did you meet anyone interesting?”

When he speaks, his voice holds a hint of calculation in it. “I did meet one lady I thought my prince would want to speak with.” He waggles his eyebrows, and to the outside observer, I know it will appear as though he is suggesting a romantic rendezvous.

I laugh, playing along. “Well, when will he meet her?” We reach the corridor to the courtyard, and I allow the guards to open the doors for us.

Cyan looks down bashfully. “He was hoping to meet her tonight, your highness.” He peeks out at me from the corner of his eye.

“Tell him the rose garden is a lovely place to meet someone. It’s on the roof, you know. Ask one of the servants to take him there.” We step into the twilight air, and I pull my cloak tighter around me. The grey fur tickles my neck and I adjust it.

“That I shall, your highness.” We come to the carriage and halt. I catch sight of Lindon, and bite my lip, wondering if he’s still angry with me.

Thankfully, when he sees me, he walks over and pulls me into a hug, letting me know that all is forgiven. “Ria, ride with me.” His eyes glimmer in the pale moonlight, and though I want to, I shake my head.

“Not tonight, Lindon. Soon, though, yes?” I look at him hopefully, and he grins.

“Just say the word, Ria, and I’ll be there.” One of the guards calls his name, and he disappears to see to whatever task they have.

Just then, Lady Cassandra steps out of the carriage with the assistance of a coachman. She’s the picture of daintiness, from her white linen gloves to the ivory slippers she wears. “Shall we set off, if we’re not waiting for anyone else?” Her voice is refined, and delicate. Revulsion stirs in the pit of my stomach at her uselessness. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lindon mount his horse, rolling his eyes. We exchange glances, and I reply.

“Of course, Lady Cassandra.” To the guard, I say, “Are we ready?” He bows and and murmurs an affirmation. With a firm nod, I say, “Alert the other guards and the driver, then.” I open the door to the carriage and pull myself in, ignoring the coachman’s hand. Through the open door, I see Cyan mount his horse, and I seat myself on the plush seats, rapping my knuckles on the ceiling to tell the driver to go. Letting the cloak drop from my shoulders, I heat the air inside the carriage. Cassandra’s eyes widen, but she hides the rest of her feelings surprisingly well.

We sit in silence for a time, until she sniffs the air delicately, her eyes widening with sudden and absolute horror. She screams suddenly, and the carriage jerks to a halt. I palm my dagger, throwing open the door, thoroughly confused. No assassins pour out of the shadows, and the street is as quiet as it gets. People gather, staring at the stopped carriage in confusion. Lindon dismounts fluidly, running almost before his feet hit the ground. Cyan gets to the carriage first, helping his sister out. I raise a hand for the guards to hold, and though most of them look tense, none of them move.

Cyan tries to speak with his sister, but to no avail. The screaming continues, and I wonder how she draws breath. A headache starts pounding behind my temples, and I clutch my head. I must turn pale or give some sign of my pain, because Lindon comes to my side, wrapping an arm around me just in time to keep me from falling over. I want to scream as the pain grows exponentially, but I grit my teeth, now entirely leaning on Lindon.

Cassandra doesn’t stop screaming, and through a haze of pain, I notice that her eyes are glassy, as though she were somewhere else. A whimper of pain escapes my lips, and I close my eyes, burying my face into Lindon’s shoulder. Lindon and Cyan exchange glances, finding themselves allies against an unseen power. Easing his blade from the sheath on his back, Lindon jerks his head toward the temple a few feet away. Briefly, I wonder how I didn’t notice that we had arrived, but another wave of pain makes my knees buckle.

Barking orders for our escort to stay outside, Lindon sheathes his sword and lifts me into his arms, striding inside with me. Cyan does the same with his sister, following us indoors. I shut my eyes against the pain and listen to Lindon speak to the priest in terse, clipped sentences, worry lacing his every word. He moves again, and I can’t keep from uttering a low moan when the pain intensifies as my head is jostled around. When I feel myself being set down on something soft, I sigh in relief, opening my eyes to slits. Cassandra’s screaming stops as abruptly as it started, and after a pause, she cries her brother’s name and begins to sob. My headache only gets worse, if that’s even possible, and I hiss in pain and anger.

Ria, what’s wrong?” Lindon scans my face for answers, his expression a combination between pain and worry.

I manage to gasp out, “My head. It… it hurts.” A tear slips down my cheek, glimmering in what I now see to be candlelight.

Why? What happened? Did Lady Cassandra do something to you?” His string of questions makes me wince, and he lowers his voice, noticing. “Can I do anything?”

I don’t know, Lindon. Get some water.” Exhausted, I slump back in his arms, and soon, a cup is at my lips. I gulp at the cool water, desperate for the pain to ease. Thankfully, it recedes, and almost disappears as Lindon places his hand on my wrist and feeds me magic. I sit up slowly, making sure the pain won’t come back again.

What happened, Ria? You have to give me some answers.” His voice is still worried- worried and angry, now.

I shake my head slowly. “I don’t know, Lin. Lady Cassandra and I were sitting in the carriage when she started screaming. Then the… the pain- it started. It kept getting worse. I thought I’d die.” I lift my head to look Lindon in the eyes, knowing my sentences sound stilted, trying to get him to believe me.

He nods, and brushes away the tear on my cheek. “We’ll look into this. Didn’t the same thing happen in the Council meeting yesterday?”

I nod and look at Cassandra and Cyan. She’s ceased her weeping, but she still looks terrified. “What happened to you, Lady Cassandra?”

She shrugs, a graceful lift of her shoulders that sets my teeth on edge. “I don’t know. Something… I saw something, I know not what. I don’t remember any of it, just the feeling of fear.” She sinks back onto her cot, and I consider her words.

Reaching no conclusion, I swing my legs onto the floor and stand up. “Well, if we’re all alright now, we’d best proceed to the temple and beg the Triad for answers.” My voice is brisk and nonchalant, surprising even myself with my detachedness. Cassandra stands slowly, wiping the smudged rouge and kohl from her face. Turning, I ascend the staircase, still grasping Lindon’s arm.


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396 Reviews


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Mon Feb 15, 2016 9:27 am
Pompadour wrote a review...



Hi there.

Right! So I meant to review this earlier, but didn't--partly because I really can't think straight these days, and partly because THIS IS GETTING VERY INTERESTING and ... I don't have much criticism to offer. I was fascinated by the temple and the general religious gathering, although I wouldn't mind getting to know more about this religion. What're their methods of worship? Is Ria religious or does she merely go to the temple out of obligation/duty? I expect we'll find out more about the Triad in the next chapter, eh? It's interesting, anyway~

Onto technicalities, that first paragraph is quite a chunk. It's a bit like running straight into a forest and not stopping even when the branches whack us in the face--give us a breather, steady the pacing, don't sift from scene to scene so fast that it's hard to keep up.

It was nice to see that we got more internal dialogue here. I was a bit surprised to see this sentimental side to Ria--it's not an unpleasant surprise, but it's a bit ... glaring where it is right now. It stands out. This is mostly because, until now, we've spent little actual time in Ria's head, and it creates this kind of block between her and the reader; we don't know her as well as we like to, and she comes off largely as serene and unemotional, so it's odd when we're reminded of the fact that she has feeling and aspirations besides working for her kingdom. The plot is great--the way you unfold action and create a framework is lovely. I'd just like to spend some more time inside Ria's head.

One thing I've noticed is that you use hyphens instead of dashes in places; they both might look similar, but they're very different forms of punctuation. On MS Word, a double-hyphen (--) can be changed to an en-dash (–) or an em-dash (—), depending on the settings of your processor. Leaving spaces around an dashes is a no-can-do, although a lot of people do leave a space on either side of the dash for aesthetic appeal. (Also, while we're on the topic, en-dashes are used a little ... er ... differently than em-dashes, so I'd suggest sticking to the latter.)

More on dashes here and here.

Keep writing, Rora! You have a fantastic first draft here; it gets better with every instalment, and I think that's the highest form of praise anyone can give for a first draft. It's like climbing a pinnacle, and you're slowly inching your way to the top. <3

I'll try to review the next chapter soon.

~Pomp x




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:51 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review (for team Tardis!)

{this review has nothing to do with the previous chapters so bear with me!}

Wow. Just wow. What I can say is that I loved the ending (which I do read because it spoils, for the most part, the whole chapter) and I am loving it. It asks the question: who made Lady C cry out of pure agony? Also from what Questio had said before, you seem to tell us not correctly show us about the time given of how the characters move and talk and whatnot. Also- maybe it is your writing style- but I would suggest putting the dialogue in separate paragraphs (however, you could leave it the way; just a simple suggestion).
Also I liked the characters you have here as well as the conflict that seems to be moving around. But what struck out to me as a ploty twisty thingy (and yes, those are real) would be they are in the carriage and suddenly the MC and Lady C are screaming. I mean, come on- someone is trying to kill them but whom...
Anyway! I also liked your verb uses in here and how Ria (is that the MC's name? probably) is thinking about getting married at the temple in the middle of town- you also use lovely description as well.

In the beginning of this chapter, a little thing I want suggest is trying to break it up into different paragraphs since it is a big chunk- however, you can leave it the way you have it because you are the writer.

Overall, lovely job doing this chapter and I enjoyed the whole thing as a whole- including the description, leaving me in a question state as to why Lady C was crying over someone in a dark coat (could it be foreshadowing? Found out next time!).

If you want me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy




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Fri Sep 25, 2015 5:50 pm
Questio wrote a review...



What's up?!?! Q here to review (hey that rhymes!) this awesome addition to an awesome novel. Let's do this. Paragraph by paragraph.

Something to consider is at the end and beginning of chapters try making them more cohesive to each other. Show us (don't outright tell us, although it's not terrible if you do) how much time has past in between the end of the last chapter and the beginning of the new one. Each chapter feels like it's own independent story sometimes, with the others being prequels or sequels. The idea is to put them all together in a single book eventually. To make it flow nicely, mention little things that happened in past chapters briefly, give us an idea of how much time has passed and what has happened. Putting the reader in the middle of events as they happen is great, but for the sake of cohesiveness and flow, try tying them together a bit more. This is a great story, but it needs to be told with clarity, and you could use some work with that. It is by no means bad, just something to work on and improve.
This is kinda what I'm talking about. I'd kinda like to see what happened at that meeting. And because you say "this afternoon" I can assume it's not the same day as the last chapter where she got attacked, but I don't know with certainty when it is.
Something about this opening sentence just doesn't sound right. Maybe it's the use of the word "temple" after using it at the very end of paragraph 2, but whatever it is, it just didn't feel right as I read it. Not too important though, maybe I'm just weird. No maybe, I am. You know this.
Is there anyone she loves? I'd like to see a bit of a romantic subplot going on. Spice things up. I kinda ship her and Lindon...
Tell us why she thinks the guards might be wary. Because of the assassination attempt of the king? Something else? Remember those little brief hints of cohesiveness between chapters goes a long way. The addition of "last night" is perfect. Now I know it is the day after the attempted assassination. Took a bit, but you got there. Good job.
Everything good here. You might mention what that arm squeeze and eye-bore might mean. "Not now," or something like that, you know?
Lol, that last bit almost sounds dirty. Sorry, I have a horrible mind.
Ok wow, that sounded worse. Seriously, I am a horrible person.
Clenching her fist... why? She's frustrated he won't talk, he's not being clear, they can't talk openly?... Everything she does is for a reason.
Oh my gosh, they were at that point a while ago.... I'm terrible.
Not a review, just a commentary... I wonder what the guards are thinking. Lol.
Not totally sure why he'd be bashful, but ok.
Why would you bring a servant to hook up with someone? Nice imagery.
I'm sure he's not. Just watch.
Told ya. My goodness, I ship them more and more now that I'm thinking about it.
Now the guards have got to be dying inside if they are anything like me.
Aw.
Are we supposed to like Cassandra, cause I don't. I don't know why, I just do not. Nope, Ria doesn't either. Whew.
Magic must be fun.
What the heck?
AHHHHH WHATS GOING ON!?!?!
This has got to be some weird magical attack.
That was weird. And scary. But hey, Lindon carried her. I'm fangirling.
Aw, he does care.
How does she know her tear is glimmering?
He knows whats up.
Nothing to say here.
Angry at her? If so, try changing it to "impatient."
If you put the dialogue about "I thought I'd die" after saying she looked him in the eyes, that would make it much more powerful.
What? I don't remember this...
Even after all that, they still say the titles... wow.
I almost don't think she was a victim so much as a tool or direct attacker.
That is cold.

Ok, great addition, once again. Like I said, tiny references to things that have already happened might provide clarity to stupid readers like me. But it is fine as is. I see that chapter 11 is out too, but I will review that at a later time.
Great job with imagery and believable characters and dialogue, as usual. I hope Lindon and Ria get together by the end. That would just make me so happy.
Keep up the awesomeness!
~Q






... tsk,tsk. Lindon is supposed to be single forever as leader of the Wild Hunt.



Questio says...


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That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon