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Pulp Puppet Fiction (language and content warning)

by QiGuaiGongFu


God... it was horrible.

Cotton stuffing and foux fur everywhere.

It all started back in 98. Fozze bear was up for an audition for the lead in an up and coming Batman flic, he was competing with none other than Kermit the Frog. Neither one got the part, but the bitter rivalry that had existed before the audition was only enhanced afterwards. Kermit had the balls to utter something nasty to one of the producers about Fozze being a racist.

So Fozze made one black joke, one time, everyone knew he was kidding. But the Wakka wakka wakka only made it worse.

Fozze never forgave Kermit for costing him the part. Some could say that's what it was... but it wasn't. Kermit always looked down on Fozze, made fun of him, belittled him in front of ladies. Sure it was all off screen, but it was there. Fuzzball, and teddy were common names. Kermit was always surrounded by the ladies, getting all the blow and lay he could ever want. Fozze on the other hand was often reduced to table scraps and throw away tail. Then one night... he snapped.

Maybe it was the years of torment and abuse, maybe it was the columbian blue zooming so fast through his system it would make your head turn, maybe it was inevitable, whatever it was, it happened.

Fozze wasn't the kind to act irrationally. No. He planned his attack. He had just finished watching Fargo when he got an idea, and lured Mrs. Piggy, a long time ho of Kermit's into his back yard. A little trip and slip and into the wood chipper she went. Fozze left as soon as it looked like she was going in, he had to get ready to clean.

What Fozze hadn't planned on was Gonzo peeking through Fozze's garbage, looking for anything, old "special" brownies, table scraps, old cigarettes... anything; when he saw Mrs. Piggy slip into the thrashing blades of the woodchipper. Gonzo managed to get a hold of her hand, and tried to pull her out, but unfortunately for the both of them, there was nothing connected to the hand. Horrified, disgusted, and for some strange reason slightly turned on, Gonzo lost his grip on the edge, and fell into the blades as well.

No one ever knew what happened to them, Fozze was good at covering up his tracks. The Sweedish chef did however recieve a generous gift of ground meat from the Wakka Corp. shortly after the incident.

Kermit had lost two things that day, a bitch, and a ho. It was well known that Gonzo was Kermit's favorite bitch, and Mrs Piggy, his only ho. Being the closest things he had to loved ones, Kermit went a little crazy trying to find them. And Fozze was there, all along the way, offering consolation and of course, hope. Hope to drive him mad, crazy trying to find them.

After losing his job at a sleazy motel, Kermit finally lost it. He settled into a bathtub, and cooked himself the last two slices of toast he would ever fry. The Sweedish Chef, who had also recieved a lifetime of abuse from Kermit, came by Kermit's room looking for a lost toaster. He found it, and of course, a fully cooked frog corpse just waiting to be discovered.

Afraid of being blammed for the incident, being the one who found Kermit, with his own toaster, and having more than enough reason to want to kill that fucking frog, the Sweedish Chef saw only one option, and soup was on the menu that night. Frog soup with garlic bread and two very ample frog legs were served to the muppets that night, and it was a delicious meal. No one ever found kermit.

The only two to ever suspect anything was up were the Heclers. They of course didn't much care for the soup, and said it tasted familiar, oh yeah, bad. The Sweedish Chef was tired of putting up with their crap too, and arranged for their deaths. The guy who puppeted the Chef was union, and had a few connections that could help with the Hecler problem.

It would cost him of course, 3 grand now, 5 more when the job is finished. coming up with the 3 grand was easy, there was that much in Kermit's jacket the night he died. The chef figured he could sell off the blow he found in Kermit's room to come up with the rest, but he couldn't, and the chef too met his untimely demise.

The Chef had always been a good pal of Fozze's. Fozze was the ring leader now, and it was time for him to show it. He managed to organize the remaining muppets and began fighting a turf war with the Tambonni family that had been responsible for the murder of Chef. It was going well too, they had conqured most of the lower east side, and were making their move on brooklyn when the worst happened.

Most of the pupputeers were union, as it turns out, and all of them had the same connections. They were met with a very simple proposal, abandon the dolls, or get aquainted with the bottom of the east river. The pupputeers turned on their puppets, and started fighting for the Tambonni family.

Without anyone to control them, the puppets were defenseless. It all went down in one final battle.

God.

There was stuffing and foux fur everywhere. not a single puppet lived to tell the tail. But for one curious puppet who happened to be jewish, and was at home with his pupputeer for Sabath.

Beaker was the final remaining puppet. It was up to him now, to bring down the Tambonni family any way he could.

I hear tell he's allied himself with that Elmo kid, whos supposed to be some hot shit. Quinten Tarantino has got their backs, and tha Tambonni family should stay out of their hair... figuratively speaking.

Uma Thurmond supposedly is in heat over Beaker, and they supposedly had a three way with that Selma Heyak chick... but thats all hearsay.

Last i heard, Beaker and Elmo were ready, lock stock and barrel to take down the Tambonni's, with some help of course, from Beatrix Kiddo and Tarantino's gang of murdering thugs. Be on the lookout kids, because the war ain't over yet, this winter, be prepared for:

Beaker Strikes Back


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Sun Jul 31, 2005 4:37 am
Rincewind wrote a review...



"Horrified, disgusted, and for some strange reason slightly turned on, Gonzo lost his grip on the edge, and fell into the blades as well."
"The Sweedish chef did however recieve a generous gift of ground meat from the Wakka Corp. shortly after the incident."
"Kermit had lost two things that day, a bitch, and a ho."
"He settled into a bathtub, and cooked himself the last two slices of toast he would ever fry."
" Frog soup with garlic bread and two very ample frog legs were served to the muppets that night, and it was a delicious meal."
"They of course didn't much care for the soup, and said it tasted familiar, oh yeah, bad."

All of those lines are brilliant. Pure Gold.
We used all the same characters its hilarious. Awesome work man.




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Sun Apr 03, 2005 1:41 am
Shadow Knight says...



I loved this Qi, absolutely loved it. We all know those muppets are dangerous. Elmo's gotta be the most dangerous, if you have flash, i can show you the security tape of his latest wrongdoing.




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Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:38 pm
Bobo wrote a review...



That last part of the story reminds me of that song "Elmo's Got a Gun"

It was pretty funny, but I don't really like it when people take popular shows, especially kids shows, and then make the characters like murderers and stuff. Still, nice writing!




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Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:32 am
Crysi wrote a review...



That is some incredibly sick humor. I love it. :lol:

As much as I love the muppets.. this was freaking hilarious lol! A bit graphic, but I could totally imagine it.. Wow. Great job. :roll:

I feel so horrible now lol!





Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.
— Enid Bagnold