I had a really hard time keeping up with it due to lack of rhythm as well. Other than that...it's 'cute' (as previously stated), but not 'great'.
I wrote this for school and thought I would put it here. Please crit.
*******************************
My Room
My room,
my comfortable cloud
of chaos,
cluttered with
clothes and
collectibles
My palace of ponderings
and unfinished preludes,
pieces of poems,
with pictures
hung on the walls
My room,
my jumbled
jubilation,
of soccer games,
aced tests,
and happy memories.
My room.
I had a really hard time keeping up with it due to lack of rhythm as well. Other than that...it's 'cute' (as previously stated), but not 'great'.
The alliteration of C in the first verse, and then P in the second was so cute, and would have gone off better had there been a rhythm. And then how the third one had no alliteration at all, seemed a bit off with the rest of the poem.
But it was still cute 
I liked it! A nice little piece that sums up your thoughts very nicely (wow, I say nice alot). *jumps up and down* write another! write another!
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