EDIT: ok, so this is the edited version. i'm still working on it, but it's getting there:
Failure
I'm sitting on my bed
And letting the rain come
Let it run down my face
How could you let this happen?
A hole in the ceiling
It smashed my defenses
So you, sit here and watch me, judge my reaction
And see whether i care
See if it matters, if it could ever be anything to anyone
I promise it won't matter any more than me
You came too late, my love
I gave what I had to a bottomless pit
Whatever I had that you wanted is lost
Don't mind what you did to my wrists and to my knees
I swear, I didn't feel a thing
The rain's getting colder and I'm getting bitter
Why did it take you so long?
You finally saw me break,
but you saw it too late
You missed what had already begun
You did hear the screaming
But I had long since gone
_______
about the knees thing; that's very specific to the person i wrote it to. i tried working it out for what i posted here, but couldn't get it to quite come out right.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
I have to admit, it's not my normal kind of poem.
But, I liked this, it was different and structured well. Good work for capturing my attentions.
Failure is a good title for something like this. Minimalist. Too long, and for something like this it gets melodramatic.
Anyway, the 'wrists and knees' suggests abuse of a sort, though clues as to who it's addressed to (I seem to think it's speaking to 2 different people in each half of the poem for some reason) would be nice. I've felt something like those feelings not long ago, but I've never put them in a poem, so it's nice but could use some concreteness...or maybe leave it as it is, I don't know.
Thanks so much! I changed some stuff, but i still need a decent title. I am terrible with titles, so if anyone has any suggestions that would be awesome.
Very nice poem. However there were a few flaws, although they really were kinda minor.
Take out the comma. It really takes away the flow.
I suggest that you add a you between finally and saw. It's really kind of like a fragment.
Huh? What does this mean? Even in poetry this doesn't make any sense. Either take this out, or add to it so that it makes sence.
Well, besides that, it's a nice poem, altough I would rename the title. Nice job.=D
i liked the first stanza, and the way that rain image carried throughout the poem. for a lot of the poem i felt like an outsider though, since i didn't know the story (i don't mean the knees part). and the commas in this part confused me:
it was very powerful all the same.
I'm sitting on my bed
And letting the rain come
Letting it run down my face
How could you do to me?
Like it alot!
There's a hole in the ceiling
It smashed my defenses
So watch me, judge my reaction
And see if i care
See if it matters, if it'll ever be
Anything to anyone
I promise it won't matter any more than me
LOVE the beginning, and end. Very rebellious....
You came too late, my love
I gave what I had to a bottomless pit
Anything I had that you ever could have wanted is gone
Don't mind what you did to my wrists and to my knees
I swear, I didn't feel a thing
The rain's getting colder and I'm getting bitter
Why did it take you so long?
You saw me break, but you saw it too late
You missed what had already begun
By the time you heard the screaming
I had long since gone
Like that bottomless pit line but I didn't understand the wrists and knees thing....other than that it rocks!