But Mama...

by PurplePrincess
  • July 18, 2012
  • Poetry
  • Narrative
  • Expressive
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But Mama, I want life to be a gentle summer breeze. I want to see my hair blow across my face, to remind me The World is here, in front of me. I want to see the grass blow easygoing And Untroubles, and the current Of the wind push away Life's challenging Puzzles. I want to feel the warmth of a Breath of wind, Like a flock of friends Being there for me. I want tofeel the misty air of an Oncoming rain, Challenging me to stand my ground. I want to hear it's restful whistle Slowly pull me to sleep, And block out all of the unpleasent Things that want to come in. I want to smell the calming Incense of the just-blooming flowers. I want to taste the sweetness Of the air, And let it cool my anger. Because, Mama, A summer breeze is just what Anyone Would like Anything To be, And that summer breeze Is what I want Life To be.
Comments & reviews · 2
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wordsandwishes
Review
wordsandwishes wrote a review · Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:41 pm

I agree with bobbywalker, it sounds very much like a child trying to break free from his/her mother's protection. To be like a summer breeze. And even though the poem appears to convey a child speaking to his mother, it was written very... Maturely. And I liked that;especialy the way you did it while maintaining the child's innocent tone too.
Anyway, the only technical mistake I noticed is that you wrote "to feel" as "tofeel" on line 4.
So overall, it was a great poem.
4.9*s

Keep writing!

w&w

Random avatar
Bobbywalker
Review
Bobbywalker wrote a review · Wed Jul 18, 2012 9:21 pm

Damn I love it. Really good description of this guy. I start to wonder if his mom is restricting him from the world. I get the feeling that I got when i first øplayed "The Binding of Isaac". The mom ends up trying to kill the son, but that's another story. What is important is your story. But the boy seems to have high expectations.

No grammar or spelling as I could see. Good building. I would like to see it less "Blocky", and easier to read. Aside from that I liked it inside and out. Title was not self-explanatory, but could be more important to the text. I dunno.

9/10

Love, Bob Walker!



Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality