The staff room of the hospital paramedics was a bland one. It had the white LED lights that shone brightly, crisp white walls and pale blue floors. There were no paintings or ornaments to add colour or beauty to the place. The table was a chrome colour and had metal legs. The chairs were a stylish white leather with silver metal legs. But they were still white. the water cooler in the corner was the only colourful object in the room and that was the same pale blue as the floor.
Despite the dullness of the room, it was not, in fact, empty. A man with a bald head and dark skin had his hand up against the wall as he leaned down to fill up his white plastic cup with water. His name was Damon. Another male, shorter than the other with sandy brown hair, was sitting at one of the chairs at the table, sliding his finger along the screen of a white phone. They called him Rev.
Then there was the woman sitting at the opposite end of the table. Her chestnut hair was pulled back into a bun but a few curls escaped the brown plastic clip. Her skin was fair and she had laugh lines around her plump lips. Her eyes were an exquisite shade of green and matched her long eyelashes perfectly.She had a book in her hand, yellowed with age and overuse. The black ink was barely visible on the pages. But that didn't stop her from reading it. Her eyes scanned over each well-thumbed page as she read. Her name was Gemma.
When the shrill bell began to echo through the staff room, her dark eyebrows raised and she closed her book. Rev had already ducked out of the room to the main desk where the information on the call would be held. Gemma stood from her seat and ran her soft hands over the creases in her paramedics uniform, these mainly formed on her thighs. When Rev returned he was holding a piece of paper.
"Gunshot wound to the shoulder. Police have already located the suspect and they've managed to slow the bleeding." Rev explained, proceeding to read the address of the incident. Damon let out a yawn and stretched his long arms as they began to walk out of the staff room and into the Ambulance dock. The team had a system after the two years they had spent working together. They were practically family. Gemma hauled herself into the driver's seat and Rev seated himself into the passenger seat while Damon sat in the side seat directly behind Gemma.
Rev's hand reached out to the controls and he flicked on the lights and loud sirens as Gemma began driving through the sunlit streets. The sky was bright blue adorned with fluffy clouds. Trees dotted the sides of the seat, adding colour to the landscape.
"Which way?" Gemma asked as they approached an intersection.
"Straight ahead is faster." Rev confirmed.
They say seconds is a short amount of time compared to minutes or hours. But in reality, a few seconds can last for an eternity. Many littles things accounted for what happened in the next few seconds
Barrelling down the road in a large semi trailer was an old man. Black tattoos were printed onto his wrinkly skin and his sunglasses were pushed all the way up his crooked nose. His frizzy grey hair was escaping his faded red cap. He was surrounded by a sea of empty fast food packaging. He had been on a diet. But his failing marriage caused his wife to divorce him just weeks ago. So now, he was back to eating bacon and cheese burgers and drinking coke. His music was turned up extremely loud and the speakers rattled to the bass.
He leaned over the seat to the passenger side. He reached for the paper cup and curled his stubby fingers around it. Just as he sat up into his seat a screaming ambulance came across the front of the front of his truck. There was the deafening sound of metal on metal as the two vehicles came together.
Perhaps if Rev had not switched on the lights and sirens which allowed the ambulance to move more effectively through traffic. Perhaps if the directions he gave were left instead of straight ahead. Perhaps if the trucker had spent more time on his marriage he would not have gone on a binge of fast food. Perhaps if he could have turned down his music and waited a few seconds longer to reach for the paper cup.
With a handful of little things that could have been prevented. They could have stopped the accident from happening. Maybe Damon may have met a girl. Maybe Rev would have attended his grandmother's 75th birthday. Maybe Gemma would see her daughter grow up. Perhaps the people in the ambulance might have survived.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like this!!! The way you described the characters gave me a good sense of it!!
This reminds me of a story I read once, called the Wrestler. About a man in the hospital!!
I enjoy the idea of fatal flaws, or how something went wrong in a story! I like how you gave detail above each character. What was going on in their lives! Gives us a better understanding of the context!!! Good job! Keep in the writing
The way you described the setting is very effective, it gives a feel to how harsh the reality of a hospital is - when most of the time people romanticize hospitals. The introduction of the characters is quite contrasting to the environment - their appearances contrast the room and in my opinion that gives the reader something to think about, how anyone can land up in hospital.
The introduction of the bell gives the reader a sense of foreboding - which is unusual but makes you just want to read more, and your characters reactions is the main cause of that.
Your characters are so vibrant in this story - that even just by using the word "family" you could see how the odd pairing of people could see each other as family.
Your ending though, was so unexpected. *slow clap*
Your conclusion of relating a life event to each character really tugs on the heart strings.
So in my opinion your story was amazing, I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm really super glad that you enjoyed the story. even though I'm reading this at 11:43pm I am grinning from ear to ear.
Hello...
Wow. Just Wow. This story is really fantastic. I really liked the second last paragraph in which all the sentences start with 'Perhaps'. It really delves into my mind and see how it might have gone on if that really happened. Though it's a short story, it makes me feel as if I knew these people for a long time. Wow. Thanks alot!
I enjoyed writing this so I'm really glad that you liked it.
Hello PurpleJune!
This here is Magenta to review your short story, The Accident, which you have submitted to YWS for us to review. I first would like to welcome you to the Young Writer's Society as I see this is been your first submission and you've just joined. I hope that you enjoy it here and we can become great YWS friends. I must say that this is a great short story. You have some great skills in writing. I must, as in any review, do what I can to help the author revise their work. Therefore, I have some suggestions to make for you that can hopefully help this become the best piece it possibly can be.
"The staff room of the hospital paramedics was a bland one."
When you start any type of story, you want to hook the readers in somehow. By describing the setting in some way or giving a short thought, like you have done, helps draw the readers curiosity. However, I would suggest taking out the word "bland" and replacing it with a more descriptive word. The word bland doesn't seem to be the word you need. If you meant to say that it was empty or boring, then try some of these.
If you meant to say empty- untenanted, unoccupied, desolate?
If you meant to say boring- humdrum, tedious, dull?
"the water cooler in the corner was the only colourful object in the room and that was the same pale blue as the floor."
Firstly, capitalize the first word of this sentence, "the". Secondly, I think that you could change this sentence a bit. The repetition of colors describes the room a bit poorly in this sentence and the last. I feel that by saying it was the only "colorful object in the room" but that it was the same color as the "pale blue floor" just seemed contradictory. I hope that wasn't harsh or anything, I only want to help and review.
''"Which way?" Gemma asked as they approached an intersection."
Make sure to add a comment after "Gemma asked".
The ending, however was written well.The situation provoked the reader's emotions and really played well. Good job with that! I think that is all I really have to say now. Will there be more to this story?
~ Magenta
thank you for all the tips. It has helped a lot. I don't know if there will be more to the story. The idea just came to me and I am really bad at finishing things I start. So please don't hold your breath
Just a thought... I think this could be great if continued, but ending here will still be fine. Good job!
......How sad......
This is a very good short story, if I do say so myself. It's hard to cram enough detail into something like this to make it understandable and plausible, but not confuse and bore the reader with a long list of facts and dates.
There's enough put into this to make the characters interesting, Rev mostly since he's pretty much the main character.
"Perhaps if Rev had not switched on the lights and sirens which allowed the ambulance to move more effectively through traffic. Perhaps if the directions he gave were left instead of straight ahead. Perhaps if the trucker had spent more time on his marriage he would not have gone on a binge of fast food. Perhaps if he could have turned down his music and waited a few seconds longer to reach for the paper cup."
This reminded me of a movie with a similar plot, the beginning starts out like the excerpt above, which is probably why I liked it. But from a writing standpoint, this is actually crucial to the short story and making it worth the read, as it explains a whole lot in a short amount of time, gives some interesting background on the characters, and helps to convey the thoughts and emotions of not only the characters, but also the writer too.
The fact that I was depressed when I finished reading is a good thing, and a compliment to you as it's not easy to do that.
Thank you PurpleJune!
Your review literally made my day. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work.
Thanks for writing it