The Hearts We Can't Connect

Hello mortal, the human Host of Horus here to review.


Red=Grammatical errors etc.
Maroon=Things I like
Purple=suggestions/questions
and then my overall review is whatever....

What hurts the most
Is what's untrue
The thing that's haunting
Is me without you.

Right now my world is perfect
My smile is not pretend
But how long 'till the walls come down?
How long 'till this world ends? This isn't a writing suggestion... But don't think negatively =P it helps in life...

Your reassuring smile
The lights inside your eyes
You're what holds me to this place
The reason I survive. I love your use of rhythm and pentameter. Everything flows so nicely from here on out that it really makes it nice to read.

Whatever pain takes hold of me
I know I'll make it through
'Cause everytime I win a battle
You knew what I could do. A little confused here. For starters, I just don't get what your saying, but secondly, you use the word knew. The tense on the language changes. Where as everything else is using words such as "know, takes... etc." You suddenly say knew. It changes from present to past then back again and it just throws people off and is incorrect grammar. Keep it consistent like "You know what I can do." I don't know, this stanza just needs a little revising.

But what happens when you're gone
When my happiness has to go Consider revising this line. This is one area where the flow is thrown off a bit.
When fate steps in and chance decides
And neither of us know? Love these last two lines.

When secret kisses pass
And promises are left unkept
When all that's left inside my mind
Are the hearts we can't connect. Love the power behind this stanza, though I think the rhythm in the second line could be better.

When I say 'Me' without 'You'
And forever becomes defined
Who will be there, to save me from me
Once we've said the inevitable goodbye? Love the ending. But like I said, don't be negative =P

Haha thank you(:
I'll revise it tomorrow... hope it'll help a little bit guys!

ps. I Love You As Well. <3

But, here's some grammatical things ^.^

What hurts the most
Is what's untrue.
The thing that's haunting
Is me without you.

Right now my world is perfect;
My smile is not pretend.
But how long 'till the walls come down?
How long 'till this world ends?

Your reassuring smile,
The lights inside your eyes.
You're what holds me to this place;
The reason I survive.

Whatever pain takes hold of me
I know I'll make it through.
'Cause everytime I win a battle
You knew what I could do.

But what happens when you're gone?
When my happiness has to go?
When fate steps in and chance decides,
And neither of us know?

When secret kisses pass
And promises are left unkept.
When all that's left inside my mind
Are the hearts we can't connect.

When I say 'Me' without 'You'
And forever becomes defined.
Who will be there, to save me from me,
Once we've said the inevitable goodbye?

Thanks for the comments guys!
Matthew; I'm glad you liked it(:

Love, this is my favorite of anything you've ever written. It's spectacular in every way. I Love it <3

What hurts the most
Is what's untrue
The thing that's haunting
Is me without you.
Right now my world is perfect
My smile is not pretend
But how long 'till the walls come down?
How long 'till this world ends?
Your reassuring smile
The lights inside your eyes
You're what holds me to this place
The reason I survive.
Whatever pain takes hold of me
I know I'll make it through
'Cause everytime I win a battle
You knew what I could do. This isn't clear to me maybe rephrase this line
But what happens when you're gone?
When my happiness has to go
When fate steps in and chance decides
And neither of us know? I'm not sure I like this line...especially with the quesiton mark
When secret kisses pass,
And promises are left unkept,
When all that's left inside my mind,
Are the hearts we can't connect.
When I say 'Me' without 'You'
And forever becomes defined this line doesn't flow well don't start with and maybe change it to "If forever it becomes defined"
Who will be there, to save me from me
Once we've said the inevitable goodbye?

Thanks JRaye!
I'll try to explain the lines (i could see how they might be a little confusing)

"The thing that's haunting
Is me without you"

What i mean by that is simply that the only thing that haunts me, is the thought of me without him.
I hope that helps a little!
Thanks for the review!!

--PurpleHeart

Wow, i really enjoyed that poem. but there was two lines that were a bit confusing.

PurpleHeart wrote:The thing that's haunting
Is me without you.