Published March 1, 2011
This perfect world I share with you
Is haunted by a phantom
A voice that's calling out to me
A crushing weight - A hinderence.
The scars before were numbing
A filthy trick of escape
But now that I've found all I need
The quiet won't get softer
The truth it screams is defeaning
I can't hold out much longer.
The disappointed eyes are all I seem to see
The visions of dispare you'd give
If I broke down on me
If I gave into the ghosts
Or to the pressure on my chest
If I believed the lies the breathe
The lies of hateful regret.
The ghosts of all my history
That I fight to keep inside
The shadows lurking in my heart
To steal what's rightfully mine
The voices reminding me of shattered dreams
And promises never kept
The phantom whispering in my ear
"You can't run away from who you are, and who are, is the things you regret."
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Thanks for your opinions guys!
Shadowprincess16 - ugh! im so tough on people mispelling stuff, and then i mispell a simple word like despair. haha(:
I'll try and work on the rhythm and rhyming on my next pieces, i dont think i'll change this one, i know that if i tried i'd probably mess it up. Thanks for commenting!
I liked this one a lot. I think the only thing that bugged me was the fact that you misspelled despair. But, then again, I'm kinda OCD about spelling so it's probably nothing anyone else would ever notice. It's a really good poem, though, and I enjoyed reading it.
Interesting, I guess. Here's my issues.
The rhythm. It's so halted. The lines in this do not flow into each other like they should. Some lines do stand out individually:
...but I'm afraid I can't say the same of an entire stanza, let alone the poem itself. It's like each line is its own idea, and you don't bother continuing with that idea in the next line, but instead just start on a new one. This won't work. For example:
Even in this first stanza, each and every line seems to drop like a brick, instead of gliding into the next. This, at varying degrees, applies to the entire poem, but I wanted to point out these lines in particular. Because the beginning of a poem is supposed to hook a reader, and it certainly didn't hook me.
And what's up with the rhyme scheme? It's just jumping all over the place.
Hope this helped.
-Kafka
Okay, I really like this. It is different than usual. I like your imagery and the vocabulary you used. It gave the poem almost a...phantomy-like feel.
I like the third stanza the best of all.
The line "The truth it screams is deafening" was kind of weird sounding at first.
Dispare is actually spelled Despair.
"If I believed the lies the breathe" I think you want to change the second the to they, correct? That would make the sentance "If I believed the lies THEY breathe."
The last sentance, in my opinion, should be split into maybe two or three lines. It feels way too long the way it is. And in the sentance it should be "You can't run away from who you are, and who YOU (add the word you) are, is the thing (no s) you regret."
So, there you have it. That was all I could foresee. This really was a great poem. It made me think and thats always good.