First of all, on the fourth line, "wether" should be spelled as "whether"
I think the middle part of the poem is genius. The beginning and end could use a bit of re-wording and word, but the middle was great.
z
All at once
My sun broken fields
My rugged mountains
A place where the day decided wether it will be hot
Or cold
Before it got up
And stuck with its decision
Where I knew every person down to the lines on their face
My own world of frozen rivers
Of swimming pools
Superstition
And mud
All at once
Everything
Was gone
In a flurry of snowflakes
And I was in an alien world
Where you had to wear adult clothes
And read magazines
And everyone stepped
On spiders
So the sky always seemed
Confused
And it rained and the wind hurt
And the sun spoke riddles
And I was lost
In a crowd of faceless strangers
All at once
They stole my voice
And scorned me for it
And treated me with all the malice in their hearts
Carelessly
But they never knew me
And I hid
Behind the lines of my face
It took the courage of a warrior
To get up every morning
But they forced me
They didn’t know
They didn’t care
All at once
I was
A prisoner
So I cut the shackles from my wrist
With a knife
And it pained me for a while
But I was free
All at once
And slowly
The wounds were healed
And I learnt to know the hills
Like the dimples on my skin
And to make small talk
And waste words
Like polystyrene packaging
And I knew them
And they knew me
All at once
But I still loved the smells
Of trodden grass and sheep manure
And mud
All at once
First of all, on the fourth line, "wether" should be spelled as "whether"
I think the middle part of the poem is genius. The beginning and end could use a bit of re-wording and word, but the middle was great.
Wow.
That completely blew me away.
Absolutely brilliant.
All I can say to you is kudos, friend. This was spectacular.
Only one thing:
"Where you had to wear adult clothes"
This line seems to veer the poem astray a bit; I think it could be re-written to fit into the poem better.
However, like I said before: this was brilliant.
I loved this and hope you continue to write beautiful pieces.
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Donate