Help Me name this, please!

by PurpleEurope

Published November 2, 2013

E - Everyone

The loudest silence you've ever heard
As you fall asleep at peace, assured
On this quiet country road at night,
The shining moon your only light.

An orchestra that lulls you in
To pleasant dreams of where you've been;
Of home, and friends and extra time,
a place where words will always rhyme.

The crickets chirp their fancy strings,
A peaceful noise of beating wings,
And bullfrogs with a thumping bass
Carry the beat with steady grace.

All the stars laugh with tinkling ease
At the whispering wind, a gentle breeze
That blows across your face to cool
The lightly sleeping, dreaming fool.

The loudest silence you've ever heard
As you fall asleep at peace, assured
The perfect music, soft and bright
On this lovely country road tonight.


Yeh, the punctuation is a bit weird. Help!







Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
FatCowsSis
Review
FatCowsSis wrote a review Review · Nov 24, 2013

Hey PurpleEurope!

First of all, this poem was beautiful and the imagery you used helped me see what you were creating. Overall the spelling and punctuation were good. I did notice that in the second stanza you didn't capitalize the a at the beginning of the last line. However, at the beginning of every other line, you capitalized the first letter. So, I would just stay with capitalizing it. Your call.

Okay, so I'm not the best when it comes to titles, but I can try. I read what Clarity said below and I think that is the perfect advice! I won't restate it, but that's what I would do. Happy review day, and keep writing!
-FCS

User avatar
Clarity
Review
Clarity wrote a review Review · Nov 2, 2013

This was lovely. And I shall now try to help as much as I can!

The loudest silence you've ever heard
as you fall asleep at peace, assured
on this quiet country road at night;
the shining moon your only light.

This is a lovely stanza. None of the content needed changing, just punctuation and grammar. My reasons behind this are simple, the capitilsation was unnecessary and the semi-colon seemed more fitting that a comma.

An orchestra that lulls you in
to pleasant dreams of where you've been;
of home, and friends and extra time,
a place where words will always rhyme.

Again, you didn't need the capitilisation. Also, after a semi-colon, you don't need a capital letter either, because it's still the same sentence. Nice stanza though.

The crickets chirp their fancy strings,
a peaceful noise of beating wings,
and bullfrogs with a thumping bass,
carry the beat with steady grace.

I don't have any complaints about the content, it's lovely.

All the stars laugh with tinkling ease
at the whispering wind, a gentle breeze
that blows across your face to cool
the lightly sleeping, dreaming fool.

Nice content, just your capitilisation.

The loudest silence you've ever heard
as you fall asleep at peace, assured
the perfect music, soft and bright;
on this lovely country road tonight.

Lovely ending.


Overall, I have no complaints about the content, it was lovely! And I enjoyed reading it a lot. The only areas you seem to have difficultly in is your punctuation and grammar. Punctuation is a horrible thing, it's took me three years to be able to use it correctly and effectively and I still sometimes get it wrong. As for your capitilisation, you don't need it at the start of every line; it's still the same sentence. So, until you put in a full stop, to end the sentence, use lower case letters! Unless, of course, you are using them for a specific reason, to highlight the importance of a word. But, you put them at the start of every line, so I assume this was not your reasoning.

Aside from that, it was a lovely poem, I would gladly read it over and over again.

I see you need help with figuring out a title. And the best advice I can give you is: read your own work as though you are reviewing it. Take a look at each stanza and find a link. What was your inspiration? Use something in relation to that as your title. You can't ask anyone else to come up with one, it takes away from it being yours. So, review it and think. That's the best advice I can give you.

Good luck with future writing!

-Clarity.

Thanks so much for the advice! I'll try to think of a name for all of my poems that way.

Clarity replied · Nov 2, 2013

No problem! I'm happy to help!

User avatar
Spearhawkdude
Review
Spearhawkdude wrote a review Review · Nov 2, 2013

Wow, this was great. It made me feel all nice inside and the way you described everything made me feel like I was there. I'm not going to say anything about the punctuation, simply because I'm not very good at punctuating either :P. As for a name, I would think something like 'The Loudest Silence' or something on the lines of that would sound cool, but that's just me and you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to. Also heard and assured don't really go together that well, so maybe a different word would be better maybe something like 'unheard' or something. Other than that this was really good. I'm going to definitely follow you. :D keep up the good work



i enjoy repeating things twice in poetry. but only ever twice. nothing tragic ever happens thrice if i have control of it
— theromanticchemist