“But I really need the toilet mum!” whinged Kelly, particularly emphasising the word “need”. This didn’t matter to mum, she just let the comment pass her by.
“Cauliflower, Braburn apples, carrots…” the list went on beneath mum’s muttered breath. Kelly gave up, when it came to shopping, mum simply sauntered off, into her own little housewife-world. The only communications made between her and her daughter were, quick sharp orders, instructing what was wanted, and where she will be next-mothers can be very quick when they have an extra four wheels.
The wheel of the plastic bag holder squealed, the electronic floor cleaner whirred, and the checkouts beeped. Kelly groped behind her mother, her feet sticking out at all angles from the tightness of her hips, closing her bladder tight to stop the pangs and strains of needing the toilet.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay well...this is an interesting sort of piece. You can certainly see that it is a bit incomplete as it stands...and well...before I get to analyzing the piece itself I do have to say I wonder what this is meant to be. It seems sort of intended as the start of perhaps a first chapter or something maybe akin to some sort of prologue really, I don't quite see how it really works as an introduction per see unless you mean that as sort of an extract I suppose.
Besides that little issue, this is an interesting sort of snippet of a scene here. I think you do a pretty solid job as far as setting the scene is concerned here and then the way you emphasize what seems to be the main plot point here with this person requiring the toilet quite urgently but their mother not paying any sort of attention to her and thus causing some very real problems is pretty well constructed. The way things escalate is hinted at quite nicely and the reasoning there behind the mother being quite so inattentive is pointed out well too. Its still too early to judge why exactly all this is going down and what exactly the emotion this wants to create happens to be but for the most part it does get you intrigued and as far as the start of something like this goes, I'd say it does its job well enough here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
***“But I really need the toilet mum!” whinged Kelly, particularly emphasising the word “need”. This didn’t matter to mum, she just let the comment pass her by. ***
Here, it's hard to tell who is the main character. It could be Kelly, her Mom, or an outsider looking in.
***Kelly groped behind her mother, her feet sticking out at all angles from the tightness of her hips, closing her bladder tight to stop the pangs and strains of needing the toilet.***
This is confusing. Why is she groping behind her mother...?
Since this is only a small part, it's hard to go off of. We need more background, a setting, more dialogue, and a clear MC. I expect more work/ longer sections from you, Pippo. It's good, but there just isn't enough to go on.
PM me if you need anything.
*Seraph*
There isn't anything blatantly wrong with this piece, but there isn't anything outstandingly phenomenal either. In fact there isn't much of ANYTHING! ^_~ Dear Saint is right--there isn't enough of this. You should post more at a time.
There are a few little grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes, so rather than pointing them all out, I'll just show you a "corrected" version:
I hope this helps!
PM me if I was unclear about anything!
~Azila~
Hello there! Welcome to YWS! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.
Here's a quick grammatical note for you -- when "Mum" is being used as a name, it's a proper noun. When it's not (think "my mum, your mum," etc.), then it's not. Pretty simple, yes?
Also, another grammar note. Punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks, no matter what.
Lastly, there is nothing here for me to critique! There's not enough story for me to really know what's going on. When you post, it's best to post reasonable amounts of story so that your critiquers can get a clear sample of your writing -- a couple hundred words don't do it if it's not flash fiction. You say you have parts yet to be added? Well, add them! This isn't nearly enough to be critiqued. I mean, I'd love to give you some proper help, but I can't because there's not enough story here.
So post some more story, send me a PM, and then I'll be able to give you a proper critique, okay?
Much love.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate