Published February 10, 2008
[/u][/i][/b][b][u]My Library Boyfriend
With my new Topshop bag slung round my shoulder, and my hair bouncing off my shoulders, I swoosh through the automatic city library doors, and on into the foyer. Behind the counter stands Carys, my favourite librarian. Her face has an unusual glum expression across it, and from where I’m standing, the drumming of her nails can be heard loud and clear on the pine wood. She looks up vaguely, then her eyes flicker back down to her nails. And again, her eyelids rise, but this time, she spots me. Her face lights up and she straightens her body into her professional upright figure. But still, she waves almost frantically at me and I grin back.
I sigh, fish out the latest paperback, and slide it across the counter. A fantasy romance in the heart of the Himalayas in the 16th century.
“Enjoy this one then Heidi?” smiles Carys, her usual greeting to me whenever I come in through the swish-swash doors.
“Yeah! It was fantastic! You felt as if you were there, in the story, right next to Piia throughout the whole journey, holding hands with Limie, and crying there, alongside them when times get tough…” I sigh remembering, when we ventured through the thick snow and harsh winds up in the mountains.
“I recommend it Carys. Definitely!” she flicks the book over and scans the synopsis.
“Well, you are the one and only bibliophile around here Heidi! Ok, I might just do that!” She flashes a multicoloured smile at me. “Oh, yeah, Heidi,” She mentions, noticing me looking at her mouth. “I got new colours on my brace today! Neon yellow and pink! Groovy!” she laughs and suddenly, she seems my age again, sixteen, not twenty-one and working here part time, three days a week, whilst studying English Lit. at University.
“Well, if you say so! See you later!” I sling my bag a little higher, and carry on with my journey through the library. The familiar smell of must and leather engulfs my nostrils. I inhale it in. Home.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,293 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
"We all" is inaccurate. You sent apologies to the other people [I assume] but on these particular posts you have seemed unrelenting in criticizing them.
I didn't know you had apologized until someone PMed me. I'm sorry. That was my mistake. Please do not assume we all are going to have a go at criticizing you. There are plenty of examples of people who want to help.
omgudness,
ure all having the go at ME!
so i was new, yeah, i'm over it now, i made mistakes, i argued i-whatever.
yet, you guys, all seem to be still picking at me like a loose nail!
i've sorted it out, i've TRIED to make up.
yet you just let it pass you all by.
so, stop picking on me, i've sorted it out, YOU be good forum citizens and put a stop to it yourselves, because i darn right know i can't stop you.
goodbye
I also sent you a PM about spaces. It's so your work is easier to read. Otherwise it looks like one solid chunk.
Pippo, we are trying to help you. We as Lakegirls pointed out, are here to crit work, and help YOU become a better writer. Criticism is actually one of your better tools for writing. We as your readers, say 'what do you mean here', 'this needs to be clarified,' etc. because it doesn't make sense.
We are NOT expecting you to be perfect, as previously pointed out. What we need is more material to work with. We are NOT expecting you to give us the whole story. If you look at the forums, you will see 'ch. 2,' 'section 1.' We, or at least, I, am expecting maybe half a page to a full page. That really isn't very much.
And, Pippo. Do not EVER yell at people on the forums again. These are good, decent people, many of which are my friends. Have the decency to treat them as respectfully as they treat you. That was very irresponsible, rude, and totally uncalled for.
I'm sorry, yes, I am very annoyed at you. Unfortunately, that is too be expected. I would crit your work, but I am currently too angry to do so. Perhaps another time.
*Seraph*
omgudness!
i never ever sed anthing like tht...
it all started just bcoz u sent me a txt saying spaces---or wotever.....
how do u delete accounts?
none of u r giving me respect so i'm gonna go elsewhere.
?
You posted this on the website to get feedback and advice. If you are not willing to learn, then prhaps you should take your arrogance away. Don't be so stubborn and think you are perfect. Just read the criticism and repect other members please.
enmew
Hey
Your so right, you didn't say you were the best, but your attitude said it for you. You take critisism in a bad way, why not use it to your advantage? You need to stop flipping at people now before you make enemies, and make people want to critisize your work
Good luck with the temper
T
the only reason i am flippin
is because ppl kp flippin at me...
now stop talking 2 me
ure gettin me more flipped off
I agree lake girls
Hi,
The reason this site was made was for people to critic your work. If you can't take criticism then you can't be a writer. If you go to publisher and they don't like your work are you going to write them an angry hate letter?
We were just trying to help you, that's what the readers are trying to do. No one's work will ever be perfect. I am even after finding mistakes in published books.
Please do not flip at the people who are trying to help you.
I don't think that's what TickledPink meant, I do agree with her though, a real writer would love to hear criticism, they would welcome it like it was a brand new puppy.
Love,
N
soz,
even tho
i DID NOT mention tht i am the "best"
but,
if you think i am, thts gr8!
Hey
Welcome to YWS.
I really hate to tell you this but you are not acting like a real writer. You say you've been writing since you were born, and people would think that by now you would be able to take some critisism, like a writer should, but you cant. I myself am new to writing and i gracefully take complaits from reveiwers, you dont see me flipping out in a rage of caps and basically tell them all your the best. If it was the best why dont you take it to a publisher?
In the future plese calm down, and space out your work!!
love from
T
haha!
trust me it aint coz of the "questions?",
Pippo! Don't quit, honestly, just because we ave a few questions is no reason to have a go at us!
argh,
forget it
i'm quitting this website
Calm down, we're trying to help you!
OK!!!! EVERYBODY BLUMMIN LISTEN 2 MEEE!
I AM not NEW TO WRITING
I HAVE BEEN WRITING EVER SINCE I WAS BORN
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME I ADD A LITTLE TO MY STORY ON Microsoft Works, I THEN PASTE IT OVER TO THIS...WEBSITE, SO THE STORY WILL COME TO YOU IN CHUNKS, I'M NOT A "I'LL WAIT TILL THE WHOLE WONDERFUL STORY HAS FINISHED AND THEN I'LL POST IT!!" TYPE OF PERSON-UNDERSTAND ME SO FAR?
THE "BOYFRIEND" PART OF THE TITLE IS YET TO COME
SO IF YOU CAN'T GET TO SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE YOU JUST do not UNDERSTAND THIS TITLE, THEN I SUGGEST YOU GO TO A CHILD PHYSCHOLOGIST...REALLY, YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY...BUT THEN, THERE are PEOPLE OUT THERE LIKE MANY OF YOU above THAT CHOOSE TO ZOOM ON THESE DETAILS...
I SUGGEST YOU DON'T BE TOO PICKY BECAUSE IT WILL ALL BECOME CLEAR SOON.
THANKYOU-I THINK-AND GOODNIGHT >;)
i'm American,
we spell it like that
Hi,
So I'm going to fix up your work for you!
What I fixed were in bold. Please take the time to read it over before you post, it will help the writers a lot.
Love,
lg*
Is this the beginning to a larger story? I'm a little confused as to what the title has to do with anything else.
You have a bunch of HTML tags at the top of your work that aren't doing anything. I would get rid of them because they just look ugly on your work.
Also, you should put spaces in between the paragraphs and dialogue in your story. The big solid chunk of text is very hard to read and puts readers off quickly.
I thought that you did the present tense pretty well here. But do be careful. It can easily rise up and bite your head off. Perhaps, if you are rather new to writing, it would be best to go with the past tense. It is a bit safer.
Welcome to YWS. Remember to keep your review:work ration 2:1. It works out better for everyone.
~GryphonFledgling
Welcome to YWS! I noticed you haven't posted in the welcome forum, you might want to consider doing that.
"smiles" is not a dialogue tag. So this should be: "Enjoy this one then [comma] Heidi?" She smiled.Before I begin with the critique let me say a few things: please be sure to read all rules, guidelines, and FAQs. One being: critique two things before you post your own. Another being: do not use chat speak or caps as you have done in the previous post. It's rude, and immature. If you consider yourself a writer, learn to speak like one. People will respect you more when you can write full words. HV is have, darling. No one will take you seriously if you talk to them like that--trust me.
I highly suggest you read the Before You Post thread, as well.
Biblioteque...? Well, that's a word for "library" in many languages, but it doesn't fit into your sentence at all. Do you mean to say Bibliophile?
Present tense is the most annoying and brutally hard to write tense in existence, too. I suggest dashing it on the rocks, and putting this in past tense. It's a nasty tense.
Now, to beginnings. Beginnings are hard to write. They're the hardest, in my opinion. They have so many important jobs. Beginnings have to set up your conflict, location, explain who your characters are without saying too much, make the characters real, hook the reader, and be beautiful written. I'm sorry to say it, but this does none of those things at all. It's like an excerpt taken out of a story--I know nothing about it. But the major no-no is that there is no conflict. Without conflict, you do not have a story. So then what are you writing? You'll want to think about that. What is your conflict? Why are you writing the story? Why should your reader continue reading?
And I am sorry if I'm harsh, I realize you are only thirteen, but the sooner you realize what you need to do to become a better writer, the sooner you can become better. You're going to realize that someone needs to kick you, hard, or you will get no where. It happens to the best of us, over and over. (Which is not me saying that because you are young you cannot write; I know thirteen-year-olds who write better than I do. But when I was thirteen, I couldn't write.)
If you have any questions about the critique, or about the site, feel free to pm me and I'll try to help you out.
GEE, THX AEDOMIR,
U HV GUD IDEAS
I WROTE IT LAST NITE
I HANT EVEN RUN THRU IT YET
SO THER R LOADS OF MISTAKES
EVERYHTING NEW I WRITE
I ADD IT
TAR LOVE
Purple-Pippo x
Heya! Lets have a look shall we?
'her eyelids rise, and this time, she spots me'
Don't take my word on this, but do you think 'but' would work better than 'and'? I don't know, I guess that's just preference.
'an upright librarian figure' What is a librarian figure? upright and tall? OK, this is jsut me getting very picky. I would say this 'an upright figure, as a librarian does' or something.
'she flashes' capital S.
'The familiar smell of must and leather engulfs my nostrils. I inhale it in. Home.' I love this bit!
There really isn't a lot to say, that was me getting very picky! Your fantastic writing annoys me!
This is really very good, honestly. Well done!
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~